Damn that Cinderella.

Before the boy ... well, well over a year ago ... where the text came from ...

It was a ticket I never paid. Back in Chicago. I had forgotten about it. I packed up my boxes - ticket enclosed in some box, somewhere ... I figured I'd get to it at some point.


He beat me to it. I got a call from some bill collector. I had moved to Nashville three days before and was driving around getting a feel for my new, wonderful surroundings. My new life.


My ticket was turned into some collection agency and some guy, MM, just happened to have my name cross his desk. He called. My world was changed.


He was a total jerk within the first few moments. I suppose it's a tactic that works - but I am fiesty. I told him off, then realized I was lost. Wouldn't you just know it that this man used to live in Nashville. So, from his chair in the south suburbs of Chicago (mere minutes from where I just moved from), he told me how to unlose myself. I got back on the right track. Little did I know that some form of the word lost would come up again. And again. And again.

Now, it would only be me who'd start talking to some random person, quickly strike up a friendship and fall fast and hard. But, it happened. There is very little I'd change about the situation ... I take that back. I'd never get as lost in the idea like I did. Though it was lovely, ridiculous, perfect. It made me feel good.

Or, rather simply, it made me feel.

We started to find reasons to call. Like, you know, I wouldn't pay when I said I would. (stupid, I know). And then, it turned into talking just because. Then it was every day. It was about the little things, the big things. It was about life, fears, hopes, the future. Oh, and we flirted. A LOT. Some people thought I was silly. Other friends would ask every day what the newest MM news was and couldn't wait to hear. I had a smile on my face that couldn't be changed. He had that kind of voice that with the start of a "hello" could send chills to every part of my skin. He was smooth, funny, intelligent and the kind of smart that you get when you choose to learn from what life offers. I was entirely lost in this man and whatever hope he stood for. He seemed to "get me" like no one else could. I knew that it may not turn out the way I wanted, but in those moment, I wanted to become the very best version of myself. Not for him. Just because.

He wanted to visit but I was too scared. Because of my "secret." Here I was on the journey of a better me - I was done hiding behind the weight of difficult years, sadness and the inability to cope with a difficult past. The last thing I wanted was for someone to meet me, take one look and despite whatever relationship was created, walk away and pretend I didn't even exist. I wanted someone - him - to accept me for who I was at that moment, who I had been before, and for the person I had yet to become.

I never even got to that point.

One fateful day (that I think I always knew was coming) he stopped calling. Stopped texting. Stopped communicating. He, apparently, got lost.

Damn Cinderella stories. I wanted a happy ending.

And, boy, did it hurt. I guess the signs were there. He was just getting out of a 2 year relationship with a woman he was still living with. I still don't have his reasoning. I'm assuming it has something to do with that. That I was some fill-in fun. Some random, faceless girl who meant not enough to matter.

Yeah, sometimes I'm that stupid. But, I was coming off a rough year where there was way too much self-realization. Too much loneliness and emptiness. A few broken relationships - I was ready for my big change. And how perfect it would be that amidst my life overhaul, I'd find someone good. What I thought was really good.

So, that's where the text came from. We stopped talking just before Chrismtas '07 and then, nearly a year later, I get a text in the middle of the night. It said he was in town. He did it because he thought I'd "get a kick out of that."

No, not so much.

The same girls that had listened to every last story of MM with earnest ears, took me out for a milkshake that day. Thank God, yet again, for friends.

Oh, and in case you're wondering. Yeah, I responded. But I guess he just wanted to say enough to resurrect the dead. It's just taking a while to put it back to rest.

And yeah, I do have a great guy. The best. It just sucks when old ones decide to find their way back ...

a text

Really??

After all this time?

You're gonna send me a message now?

Not fair. Not fair at all.

Here's to another stupid boy.

Thank God I have a good one.

Tuesday Letter #2

A letter to a former student ...

Dear Bella,

I know it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me but after what I saw, I knew I had to write. I don’t know what I even need or want to say. I just know I have to do something.

I’ve known you for 5 years now. Ever since you were a freshman in high school. 14 years old with the whole world ahead of you. I remember hearing all about you from your big brother. He was in the first class I ever taught. He talked about you all the time. He told me how proud he was of you and he made it clear just how protective he was of his little sister. Then, I remember the day I met you … you came in with your big brown eyes, bright smile and you glowed with the kind of innocence so many of us wish we could have once again.

Over time, I came to know you well. You were so incredibly talented. You could act. You could dance. You could sing. You had the voice of an angel, the face of a child, and the heart of a saint.
I knew about where you lived – the same place I worked. I knew what life could potentially be like for you. Yet, I remained hopeful. That you would magically find a way to rise above all that was laid out before you.

But, sometimes, life just happens. No matter how we plan, how we hope, how we dream.
I knew about the first abortion. And then the second. I knew about the abusive boyfriend. And what happened at home … behind closed doors. I watched you perform monologues based on your life. I heard you sing about your pain in the lyrics that you wrote. I read the journal you turned in. I saw your story play out right before my very eyes.

I was your teacher, first and foremost. I did what I had to do to fulfill that duty. But, my heart was breaking for you. As a teacher, you want to save souls. But the job is to teach minds. You want children to embrace lessons about life. But the job is to share lessons about subjects. I’d listen when I needed to and even when I didn’t want to – overhearing your conversations with friends about things so unbelievable. Sometimes we can’t just shut it out. It’s like a train wreck for our ears.

I offered advice, hoping you would do what was best for you. Not for him. Not for them. But for you. And then I prayed. And prayed. And prayed.

Then, one day, everything changed for you. It was as if you woke up and put your innocence right back on. You came into my classroom with the same smile on your face from the first days I met you. You had a college application in one hand and homework in the other. Life was looking different. Life was looking good. For you.

Time went on. You went to college and I moved away. Keeping in touch was infrequent though I did receive updates. You were happy and life was carrying on well.

Then, one day I came across it. It was through a “People You May Know” tool on Facebook. I didn’t know that person though I knew it was you. It was not the same young woman that stood in front of me with pure excitement about the days, months, years ahead of her. You had next to nothing on. You were suggestively standing next to someone. My eyes perused the words on your page … I knew what I felt deep inside was right.

Now I am all about sewing your wild oats, having fun and being crazy. But, I know that whatever you are getting yourself into can’t be good … then, I heard from one of your former classmates. He told me you’re stripping these days. Now, sure I know that sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do but it isn’t that. It’s what I heard along with that. It wasn’t just about your clothes coming off … You are selling your body. You are giving away your pieces of innocence for pieces of paper. You are into even more hardcore drugs. The number of abortions is up to four. There is no way that life is good for you now. I know you better than that. What I don’t know is what happened.

Where is that smile?

Did someone stop believing in you? Did you stop believing in you? I didn’t. I haven’t. I won’t.

You are too good for this. Too beautiful. Too talented. Too smart.

Please, I beg you; start believing what I already know. And what you already know, too.

Tuesday Letter

I promise to address the below entry. Soon. I think I'm going to need to.

But, I'm trying something new and hopefully it will become a weekly post. The idea came to me because I often say, both seriously and jokingly, "I'm going to write a letter." There have been some situations lately that have me really, REALLY wanting to express a few things. I already have a list. Sometimes they'll need explanation, others won't. This one might.

It's about Joe the Plumber. It's not really about politics or parties. I'm not here to favor one or the other or to change your opinion about anything. I don't even know all that I claim to but this situation irks me.

So ... enjoy.

***************************************

Dear Joe,

I shouldn't even know who you are but the fact is, I do. I know that you are a plumber, though, not licensed. I was informed that with what you currently make you'd actually be receiving a tax cut under Obama's plan. I also have been told, again and again, that you owe $1200 in taxes.
I put your 'name' in yahoo search: "Joe the Plumber" and 57 million results came up. The first one was a website that posted the following:

--------------------------------

FYI
Since the debate Wednesday between John McCain and Barrack Obama, I have received: 180,207 hits on my website, over 300 phone calls, and hundreds of e-mails. I have been interviewed for several publications and appeared on Television 4 times, interviewed for the Radio 3 times, made the cover of the Local newspaper twice and met a lot of people and signed two dozen Autographs. All in a three day period.
Peace!
Joe Lara

Please be advised that I am NOT the unlicensed Plumber from Ohio who was mentioned over 20 times in Wednesdays Debate.

(http://www.joelaratheplumber.com)
---------------------------------

You've gotten so popular that people with your 'name' received a taste of your 15 minutes.

It's been several days and the media has surely calmed down. But, I wonder how your life is now. Are things different? Were you able to just laugh it off? Do you regret that day? Has anyone approached you about a reality show?

It won't matter, you may be absolutely delighted with your new found fame, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry that all you did was ask a question, utilizing your right to free speech, and then you get slammed from every direction. At first you were practically a hero, then you were the butt of jokes from Letterman to Conan. It isn't fair and it makes me mad. Your name has been mentioned everywhere - from late night to early morning news. In debates, on the radio, in the paper ...

Somehow it has become okay, a new second nature, to joke about you, to bring you up in conversation, to use you to get more votes. Yes, this happens in some form on some level all the time - but not this way. You dont get your face plastered on screens across America, your name mentioned over and over by two men vying for the presidency. Why couldn't you just ask a question, have it answered and then go home to make your decision?

But, what gets me most is no one knows who you really are. Are you married to the love of your life? Are you a fan of the Cleveland Browns? Do you tuck your child into bed at night after reading a favorite story and saying I love you? Are your parents still around? Are you even registered to vote? Are you mad that things have been brought up about you? Have you been hurt by this? We don't know. We, apparently, don't care about all that. We just wanted to chew you up, have a laugh, and spit you out.

What kind of freedom is this? What message does this send? Poke fun of, make jokes about, find flaws in everyone? Is that what it is to be American? Is this who we are?

It kind of makes me sick.

For all its worth and for whatever this may have caused you, I'm sorry. And it was a really good question.

Sincerely,
Becky

What's Keeping Me Away

My sister's on my case about writing a new blog - I started this whole venture into the bloggy world with big ideas and grand dreams of writing every day. Yeah, that didn't happen. It's a treat when I write twice in one month.

I have so, so much to say though. Lots to talk about. Silly stories, serious tales, and frightening experiences. I have thoughts in my mind that keep me awake at night as I stare at the ceiling wondering what I could have done, what I should do or where my next move might take me. I have these ideas from watching the news, reading facebook, and listening to my students chatter on.

I just don't share. Though I want to. Though I should. Though it would be good for me. Though it may be good for you.

I have no real reason I don't, either. I'n not preoccupied with toddlers using my body as a jungle gym. I'm not kept at work for yet another late night because work's piled up. I'm busy, but I have time.

I just can't share my stories. I think it's because there's this one story that looms over my head that once I write it, I have to let it go. And I'm not ready yet.

I'm about at the point where there's so much else to say that I'll find my way to writing again but I just needed these few moments. I'll share soon. I'll even share the story that's keeping me away. Soon.

No Teacher Left Behind

Right now, I am solely writing as a teacher.

And I am pissed.

I am burning with anger, frustration and irritation.
It started off with a spark and now it's blazing. I am engulfed in this.

At the same time, I am drenched with sadness. And I feel hopelessness creeping into the back of my mind.

I feel as though I was asked to compromise my integrity today.
Because I was.
But I won't.
Not today.
Not tomorrow.
So, please, don't ask.

I teach high school English. Freshmen. They are rambunctious and silly and intense and funny and NOT funny and everything you remember being when you were there ... times 10.

I love what I do. When I was just five years old I knew this was my calling. And over 20 years later, I'm nearly five years in. It's changed me, it's affected me, it's taught me and I love it.

And I believe in it.

In November, the candidates' plans for education will have a direct impact on my vote. I don't hate No Child Left Behind because it's trying to do something to better education. An education gives you power, freedom, intelligence, confidence, hope. It can provide you with opportunities and knowledge that you couldn't get just anywhere.

And one of the most integral parts of it all: the teacher.

So, wouldn't you expect him or her to be "something special?" Or at least have a drive to educate your children, your employees, your future.

Or is it enough to just have someone who only exists in the classroom, breathes in the air around them and goes home?

I say no.

What's this all about? My student teacher (ST). He's year older than I, embarking on career #2. It's not even him directly at this point though he has caused me much greif and confusion. You see, I've rarely met a man, not only without a fire underneath him but no spark to even light a fire. His lessons have disengaged all of my students. My students have so, so much life in them but this man has drained every last drop with, not only his lack of ability, but enthusiasm, interest, desire, passion ... He claims to be a lover of English but this has yet to be seen in the slightest. Perhaps it's just lost in his mumbles (yes, he mumbles) over grammar, and as he stumbles through Of Mice and Men. I don't see it, but this I do: Teachable moments go untaught. Symbolism goes unrecognized.
Remember Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Take that and add 38 cups of boredom.

Yeah, it's that bad.

You might say, "But, rjtrue, this man is just getting started on his journey ... he's just learning, cut him some slack."

And I have. I have sat down with him, pointed him in the right direction, even walked the first few steps with him. He has not improved. I don't even believe the attempt was ever made.

And then ...

I met with his university supervisor (UnSup), along with ST's other mentor who also happens to be a dear friend, and we explained our frustrations and expectations. The lack of interest, follow-through, classroom management. We discussed how lessons were mundane and continued to be. We shared with him our concern about his future in teaching.

I basically got told to pass him anyway. And, based on what we shared, he'd pass him as well. UnSup told us both that perhaps ST was just not someone we'd choose to work with but we had to remember that he's not like us. He said that maybe he'd fail once in the profession but that shouldn't hold us back from letting him get through this experience.
He went on to tell us how he himself had once passed a student worse than ST and then wouldn't recommend her when the call came in.

I lost it.

How in the hell do you put someone out into this field that you do not have faith in? I was appalled by this man and it took everything in me not to reach across the table and shake some integrity back in him. Something that he so obviously lost long ago. That he wanted me to lose.
Absolutely not.

I believe in what I do. I believe in the people that do the same thing that I do. This is NOT a fall back profession. This is NOT an easy job. This is NOT for someone who does not have some sort of love for it. This is NOT for someone who does not want to give it more than nothing.

How does someone in the field have so little respect for it? Would you put a surgeon in a hospital who repeatedly screwed up surgeries? No. Would you let a man into the police force who could barely shoot a gun? No. Would you allow a pharmacist to work if she couldn't tell the difference between medications? No.
Then why are we letting people who can't teach become teachers?

Thursday's Thirteen

I love perusing people's sites and stealing ideas from them ... such as this one!

Thank you friend!

Now, you may be wondering how the heck I'm managing TWO posts in one day when I go weeks without writing ... well, I'm a teacher and I have a student teacher. My only comment about that for now - borrowing from good 'ol southern women - bless his heart.

Now, for Thirteen Things I Don't Want to Take for Granted ...

1) My family - mom, dad, sisters, brudder, their babies
2) My friends and their willingness to listen to my endless stories
3) My youthful looks. At 27 I still have a baby face - it drives me crazy but I know I'll miss it one day
4) The way fall smells and sounds - the leaves crunching under your feet, the crisp, cool air












5) The time I have to visit with those I love
6) The time I'm given because I have a student teacher
7) Payday











8) My ability to get off a couch, to walk, to move
9) Yummy food - I shouldn't treat it like a regular item
10) Nature - every season
11) The fact that I am saved
12) The boy
13) That there's still time ...

You??

Oh cupcakes ...

What do you do when you've had "one of those days?"
You could be frustrated because work isn't going well, maybe you're mad at your husband, perhaps someone pushed the right button or maybe it's simply ... one of those days.

The perfect solution: cupcakes and amazing girlfriends.

My friend *K* wrote about this, too. The other day, three of my dear friends joined me at this new, fancy cupcake shop. It was two hours of cupcakes (well, we didn't eat for two straight hours - but, man, I wouldn't have minded!), coffee and conversation. I'm amazed that I can talk to these girls every single day and yet still have some of the best and most necessary talks.

It was nice to indulge in this, too: devil's food


And this ... chocolate coconut


Next time I'd really, REALLY like to try this: mint chocolate chip














But, honestly, the company was the best, as it always is with these girls. I moved here well over a year ago at 26 years old and was blessed with meeting three women I feel as though I've known, or should've known, all my life. They are there for me personally, professionally and even spiritually.

What's a girl gotta do when it's one of those days? Grab your best girlfriends, some coffee and a super sweet yummy treat :)

Life is good.

Wordless Wednesday: Labor Day in the West

I know I've not made one post in well over a month. Believe me, I have a lot to say - I just don't know where to begin or what I'm willing to share at this point. So, stealing the idea from my big sis


Yay Montana!


Just a two hours' drive away - Yellowstone!


This is where I could've stayed all day.


Old Faithful

What a trip ...

One word.

Do you ever wonder why someone has found the need to tell you something? Why the information that has been given to them they feel they should bless upon you? Or, in this case, curse …

Because that is what I’m dealing with right now. No, not dealing … suffering.

And now I just want to scream and yell until my throat is raw and dry: “WHY DID YOU TELL ME?”

Some things surely are better left unsaid. This was at the top of that list.

I love this man, don’t get me wrong, but my mind has recorded this word and it plays it over and over. If I’m walking down the stairs, closing a door, driving to work. In the middle of singing my favorite song. When I kiss him …

Someone asked him if I was his “project”

Upon hearing, it took a few moments to realize I stopped breathing.

He told me something I didn’t need to know. I didn’t want to know. It is something I want no part of and I wish it could get ripped right out of my mind. That pain would have nothing on how it felt taking in those words. That word. One word. Project.

Project? Really? What does that even mean?

Am I some sort of assignment? Are you going to put me on display when you are finished? What happened to loving me? What did you give this person that made this question possible to ever be asked? What did you say? How did you respond?

Why do I know?

My Secret

My secret.

If I could keep anything from you, it isn’t that I sucked my thumb for far too long. It wouldn’t be that I grew up in a house where water was shut off due to unpaid bills. Or that I have been accused of lying, cheating, and stealing (whether guilty or not). It wouldn’t even be that I have run away from home in bare feet, scared to death and nowhere to go.

Yes, these are my secrets. Things I try to keep from even my innermost circle of friends. But, with my head hung in shame, fear or embarrassment, I would do it. I would share this with you. If it meant that my secret, my one that can bring me to tears and silence in seconds, would never have to be shared.

It’s that I’m a big girl … big boned, plus sized, shapely, lusciously large, full figured … fat.

No, dear friend, I am not just 10lbs overweight, or even 30. It’s more than that. But, it has never defined me. Yet it has. It doesn’t make me who I am yet at times, it’s everything about me. For others, it IS my very being. I’m sure I’ve been written off by people who have not taken a moment to get to know me strictly because of what I look like.

But, I am so, so much more than that. But there are moments that I forget. And that’s when this little, yet big, issue becomes my grandest secret.

I’ve heard the jokes – from the school hallways to the mall, my own backyard to the workplace. From mothers in front of their daughters at the local playground to boys in clubs with beers in their hands. Some were blatant and said straight to my face. Others were side comments or side glances that I caught – because I’m always on the lookout. Always one the defense. Ready to … to … ready to take it.

There are days I fight. And I fight hard. With the mirror. With my jeans. With my make-up. With every physical part of myself. It seems to be those very days that I just happen to pass the best looking girls, the most attractive men. And I feel inadequate, insecure, insignificant – not me. I seem to forget the things that make up who I am.

How do I get back there to this place where I can remember? I’m on my way right now ...

My first meme!!!!!

I've never done one of these before but I decided to steal it when I saw it on Kathryn's awesome site (check it out ... Seeking Sanity)

I know ... that he loves me
I believe... in God - more than anything else. And, I believe in me, too!
I fought...
I am angered.... by stupidity and ignorance.
I love... Nashville and what life here has given me
I need... my family, friends and MONEY.
I take... what I can get
I hear... typing
I drink... coffee everyday - if I could afford it, I'd drink starbucks twice a day everyday.
I hate.... ants
I use... Herbal Essence shampoo and conditioner
I want... my man
I like... love
I feel... itchy - out of habit I think
I wear... two bras when I work out - my boobs are huge
I left... my checkbook at home - dammit
I do... a lot of stuff. Kinda like staying busy I guess
I hope... that's what I do
I dream... big
I drive... too fast. Need proof? Three tickets in one year
I listen... to country music all the freakin' time
I type... more than I write.
I think... I'm crazy sometimes :)
I wish... I could get a massage right this moment
I am... in love
I regret... not going to the audition today
I care.... too much sometimes. (me too, me too)
I should... workout
I said... whatever came to my mind.
I wonder... if we'll make it because I'm kinda thinking so
I changed... my shirt three times - no reason. I'm not going anywhere. I've pretty much sat inside all day. I mean, it is 100 degrees.
I cry... a lot more lately
I lose... my mind.
I leave... no, I stay.

The Rash and the Visit

Well ...

Let's talk about the rash.

So, they tore my skin out. Tested it. Took a really, really long time to figure it out and after two long weeks they had results.

Inconclusive.

Really? REALLY??

But, oddly enough, it's gone. We'll just wait til it comes back and then try again.

Whatever.

So. Next up. THE visit.

Truth be told - I've never brought anyone home to meet the fam. But he isn't just anyone.

I drove 10 hours to the north a week beforehand to hang out with the family - and yes, I got to see two of my favorite people on earth: my sisters!

He came up the following Friday and can I just say that it was the absolute, most perfect weekend. The family likes him, the friends like him. It went better than I could have thought.

Mom's smitten, bro carried an actual conversation, lil sis joked, sis-in-law asked all the questions, dad told stories, friends sat and chatted for hours.

I smiled. And smiled. And smiled. I'm in love.

Well, this girl's got to get to bed. But let's just say - it seems like there was never an SB ...

a trip "home" part one

Just wanted to say that I went to visit the family ...

Guess who came with??? The boy.

Man oh man ...

Details to follow.
About the visit
And The Rash.

27 year stitch

I love that I have weeks in between my posts.

As if I'm busy.

But I'm not. Not really at all. I've done nothing that I've really wanted to do, including keeping up my blog.

Well, I did go super healthy - for 5 days. That kept me busy!

The summer job is going alright, but, let's be honest, it allows for lots of spare time. I watch the morning news shows everyday. They are so insanely time consuming for several hours straight; even though some of the stories are boring, at least to me. For example this morning: what bears are really doing in the woods.

Um, I don't care. But, yet, I watched. As lyrics swirling in my head went unwritten, weights weren't lifted and a shower, that was much needed, didn't happen (no fear, it finally happened at 4:00pm)


I have one month before I head back to school. I figure at some point, boredom will bore me and I'll get my sh*t done!


Oh ... but want to know what's been taking up some time???


This ... um. Well, "this" was going to be a picture; however, I decided I wouldn't drag you into it. But, I will tell you.


I have a rash. Sounds simple right? But it is taking over MY WORLD, not to mention my body. You'd think we were besties, but we are not. Not at all. I hate it. I want it gone. It wants to stay.


It is winning by a landslide.


About a month ago I noticed a spot on my side. It was itchy. Whatever. But then, it grew. And I noticed something on my face as well. That was itchy. Um, okay. It kept on. I finally went to the doctor. She said.


It's staph infection.


Me: WTF! How did I manage that??
So, I get antibiotics and go on my merry way.

However, it gets bigger and bigger and now is well beyond the size of my hand on my right side. My face and neck have little traces too. I even take a picture and text it to my mother. For some reason, no matter how old I get, I think she can fix it.

I go back to the dr. and she says, "well, hmmm, I don't know what it is."

The answer: steroids. A shot and some pills. No diagnosis, just some 'roids.

At some point in all of this, I decide to re-wash everything I own and to throw away anything that might be contaminating me. Detergent, potent soaps, etc.

It started going away. Summer life was once again wonderful.

Then, a week ago Friday while sipping margaritas at our favorite Mexican restaurant, I start itching once again but don't think much of it. That is, until my lovely, brash roommate says: "Oh God, it's back again!!"

And sure enough, it was. With a fiery vengeance.

I went to a dermatologist. They didn't know what it was. So ... more steroids - now in cream form. UGH! Oh, and no perfume, make-up, lotion, body wash, sun, chemicals ...

I am not a patient person. Nor do I have any self control. It's like being 8 with chicken pox again. It wasn't getting any better and they told me to call in a few days if there were no signs of improvement.

So, I called first thing the following morning.

The next day I went in for "IN-PATIENT SURGERY"

Scary, eh? All it meant was a couple pokes and 4 stitches. A biopsy. But, being me - the new, crabby, irritable, itchy version, I found it to be quite the dramatic situation.

Just ask my sister, Laskigal. Thank the good Lord for mobile to mobile.

So, now, as I continue to live with a growing rash (did I mention it's now spread not only to the majority of my side and stomach, but my chest, tops of my legs and back as well?!??!), I find very little solace in the fact that I will FINALLY find out what the heck it is July 15th.

However, since I consider myself brilliant, I have pretended I was a doctor and started diagnosing myself. The internet is quite handy for that - even though I have freaked myself out beyond my own crazy imagination. I'm fairly sure that, though it could a medication reaction or 'contact dermatitis', I'm going to go with the flesh eating bacteria. I'll let you know if I was right.

What's a girl gotta do if she's got an itch? Scratch it.

Gosh, that doesn't sound so good ...

The start of summer

So, end of the school year we had to turn in our laptop for two weeks.

I thought I'd die without that connection to the world ... my life!

But, finally, I got it back and here I am.

Here's an overview of what's to come in the next few posts:

Summer job - I'm an assistant/best friend/big sister/cook to an 18 year old who was paralyzed in an accident a year ago. He's awesome and has presented me with a challenge: he's denied God. I'll explain more on that for sure because I may need to not only get my thoughts out but advice as well. I'm all about everything happening for a reason ... in the meantime, he's a great kid and we have a blast joking around and chatting it up about life and girls, boys and school.

The boy - um, so it's going well. Really well. One of my two bestest friends met him this past weekend. And, he's coming home with me in July. Whoa ... Laskigal won't get to meet him then but if he's a keeper that'll have to happen fast ... she means more to me than the world!

Speaking of her ... I love her. I think I'm going to call her as soon as I'm done here.

I just finished my first year of teaching here in the south. I spent 3 years in a south Chicago suburb where I learned VOLUMES but this year has proven that the learning process is never, ever ending. There were things that happened that caught me by surprise that I never even mentioned. However, in the midst of that year, and I've talked about them before, I made friendships with these women who have had an AMAZING impact in my life.

I'm writing a book but I think I need to light a fire under my behind to get going. The ideas are swirling in my head and jotted down on papers here and there. Plus, I'm starting a side something, too, that has SO much promise. Again, I need to grab some matches.

For now, I'm going to see if I can get something done with one of the many things I have running around in my mind.

What's a girl got to do when she's got stuff to do ... but the sun and a lounge chair are calling her name? Hmmm ... I'll let you know.

About a Boy

... the boy.

So, things are going well. Really well. Scary well. But it's definitely the "I don't want this to end" well.

I'm not a day by day kind of person but I'm trying my darnedest to be these days because I don't want to freak out like I so notoriously can and have before. I haven't said much of anything about him, maybe it's because I've shared the bad, the hurt, the pain and I know that he probably doesn't (and shouldn't) look so good in my friends' eyes.

I haven't forgotten what's happened, as I know I've mentioned before, but the guy this guy ... he makes me only want to live the present and hope for the future. He makes it easy to let go of, or at least push far away the oh-so-ugly. Not just between me and him, either, which might be the best part, but stuff that happened long before he was even around.

I'm doped up on happy ... not too much that I've detached myself from reality but just enough that it feels good. And right. He once said something about some Dr. Seuss quote that said, "you know you're in love when your reality is finally better than your dreams" or something like that ... well, dare I say it, I'm in love with my reality. Well, the love part of it. Certain parts need some work (and rest assured big sis, I'm working on them).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not lost in the dream world, nor am I masking it with pretty colors. He still drives me crazy and annoys me. I do the same to him. But he's also sweet as sweet can be and completely fighting the fact that he's totally whipped.

I was gone three weekends in a row, then he was gone the next three. I got texts that said I miss you. I got phone calls in the midst of his busy weekend because he just wants to hear my voice. I got a keychain from his one day trip to NC.

Oh, and you'll love this. For my birthday, he surprised me while I was trying to teach Romeo and Juliet to my precious freshmen! (The Balcony Scene nonetheless!). He brought cupcakes, a balloon, an incredibly sweet card and a tiara.

I turned red - I had lobsters beat.

Then, I left for NYC and when he picked me up on Sunday ... he had flowers and a whole evening planned.

Oh, and have I mentioned? He's an incredible kisser.

Have you ever heard the song, "Realize" by Colbie Calliet? He told me I had to listen to it because it was so perfect ...

And here's something he said about a month ago: "I wish I had a time machine ... I'm glad I saw the real you before it was too late for me..."

Okay, I feel like I'm getting kinda sappy which looks good on no one :) I'll keep you up to date and you can feel free to ask any questions. I'm sure there might even be days I need advice since this is so new for me. I just hope it continues because it's sorta, kinda, pretty much exactly what I hoped this feeling would be like (well, without that initial drama, of course!!)

I need coke ...

OMGoodness!
Has it really, truly been over two weeks and you haven't heard a word from me?

Dang! Hope you're all okay but I suppose you're getting used to my being MIA!

So, this is totally random but I was thinking about it the past few days ...

I gave up Coke last summer and switched to Diet. I figured it would help me become healthier and it did assist me in losing a few pounds. I always hated when people said that they liked Diet Coke - you like it? Really? That stuff that has absolutely NO taste at all, whatsoever. And who the heck orders the cheeseburger meal with a diet coke ... freaks!

I became a freak.

Yup, I started liking diet coke and would actually go as far as saying that I craved one.

Well, then, see, I started hearing that it wasn't good for you and perhaps even worse than its regular counterpart. Apparently, the elements in it are so bad it could break down rust, imagine what it's doing to your body - people would say.

Whatever, I don't care about that. Bring it, my body needs to be cleansed of rust anyway. But they'd also add ...

It makes you want sugars because of the lack of said product in it.

No way. I drank away, not believing what people said.

But then, in the midst of my getting healthy in all aspects of life journey, I started wanting, needing candy, chocolate, cake, ice cream - whatever had sugar in it. Hell, I'd eat raw sugar straight from the plant if I knew where to find it.

Then. It happened. My car drove itself to McDonald's drive through for that sugary syrupy goodness. My mouth opened, I couldn't control it, and it requested a medium oh-so-yummy coke (read: no diet!). My lips and tongue even said "light ice" as to maximize the amount of forbidden liquid.

It was good. So good. It was like a reunion.

But it's over. I gave in and I can't do it again. But that one time ... it was right. I won't forget it.

News

Hi friends.

I feel like I come here with my tail between my legs because I've been completely MIA. I was talking to Laskigal and she's like, "just put it out there"

What's "it"? Why, SB of course.

Or B. Just plain B. He's great and right now things are going well. Really, really well. So well that I'm sort of like, "oh...wow" and no, I don't want it to end.

I'm living in some fantasy world that I'm hoping, even when the honeymoon phase is over, will still be a reality. He surprised me at work the day before my birthday since I wasn't there on the actual day. He brought cupcakes for all of my students. So, so sweet. He picked me up from the airport and brought flowers and then had an evening of surprises. He wrote our mutual friend a note about me and how wonderful I am. He's pretty much everything I want "that special someone" to be.

And now it's official. He's gone from SB to BF. I know ... WTF, right? That's what I'm thinking. And, is it too good to be true? Who knows. I hope not but we'll take it one day at a time.

I haven't forgotten. There are issues and we'll just see who wins in the end. Us or the issues. But, I will not sacrifice myself or my full happiness in the process. Right now, I'm happy with him. Sappy, silly, crazy happy.

It's scary as hell.

But there is life other than him still. However, I have spent more time with him or talking to him and I've loved every moment (I'd roll my eyes and make gagging noises if I was hearing someone say this!) . Friends, other than its ridiculously rocky and difficult start (and not to say I completely overlook it), this is exactly what I've wanted. Maybe it isn't right but so what, because right now it's every adjective you could use to describe something good.

So, perhaps that's why I haven't been around. I mean, I spent months talking about the heartbreak and hurt and you were all there for me. And then, BAM! While I'm trying desperately to find a way to get over it, get past it and listening to, or trying to listen to, the advice and support, it changes. And I never saw it coming.

This is my first official adult relationship. Yet I feel like I'm 15. I will still need you all.


Much love.

HIJACKED BLOG!

I just hijacked my sister's blog--hee hee! She is in NYC attending her BFF's wedding! Happy Wedding day Jessica! Wish I could be there (so does little J--but he'd just try to eat your bouquet!). I have no doubt you will make a beautiful bride!

It is my sister's birthday today! I would love to share secrets about her (and one day I am sure I will), but instead, I will do the nice, sisterly thing and just wish her a

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Don't forget to keep your eye on the prize! Remember what you are made of!

LOVE,
Big Sis
LaskiGal

Where have I been????

I'm okay friends! No fear. I've just been out and about and crazy busy! I've been up to Indy over to East Tennessee, and about to head to NYC for 5 days! MADNESS!

I was packing a few moments ago. Okay, I was ABOUT to pack, then I tried on a dress I was thinking of bringing with me. Then I realized I missed my blog friends :( So, now here I am sitting on my bedroom floor, in a dress, with my laptop FINALLY updating my blog.

I have two things in my suitcase. The dress and THE bra. Oh, god the bra is the worst. It's like its own country. But it holds the girls up!

So, how's life been? Good. Great. Busy. Tiring. I want a nap! But, I have to pack. I turn 27 in 3 days (whoa!) and we're having a birthday dinner tomorrow night.

As for the boy - SB ... he's good. Really good. We'll see how he handles my birthday! Always telling. But in the meantime, it's so good it's freaking me out. I'm not used to being all sappy and silly - well, I mean, I'm normally silly but not about one particular boy. At least not this much. I won't lie to you though - it is scary. I thought I liked him before, but boy oh boy do I like him now. Absolutely crazy about him. It's sick!

I still wonder what the hell I'm doing but right now I don't want anything else. It's a moment by moment day to day don't lose hold of your heart too much kind of thing. I'm staying smart. And smiling like crazy.

Oh and I still have that damn list to take care of ... haha! I've started writing some songs but nothing that grabs hold of me at this point! I'm figuring out what's going on with SB - slowly but surely. And, I'm getting healthier. Time to add in a couple more.

How's everyone else? I need to catch up, don't I?

Miss you madly!

Update: The List and a new place!

I picked up my contacts! Finally, I can check something off. And they've only been ready for over two months!

So, I was out on my evening walk the other day and I found a new spot that I like - a place good for relaxation and contemplation. Everywhere I've lived I've had a place or two like that - just a mini escape. Now, in my new home, I have a few but this one is so simple and just up the street.

We have this community something or other with a tennis and basketball court and two swings. Okay, so it's not that fancy but it's so incredibly peaceful at night. I've been a couple of times and it's been so, so nice.

It's probably not that big of a deal to many people or maybe you have your own place to go to, I don't know. Just sometimes, for me, I need a temporary getaway to think about nothing or to think about everything. And the only thing there that can influence me is ... well, um. Nothing.

What's a girl got to do when she needs to get away? Go ...

My sister ...

In honor of her birthday ...

A lot of you know Laskigal - From the Cheap Seats. And perhaps you've figured it out or this may be news to you.
She's my big sister.
She's the one who encouraged me to begin writing a blog. We decided not to say anything - not for any real reason, just because.
So, now if you go back, you might realize it. Lots of "ohhhh, yeah" kind of moments.
I suppose the big one would be the one on heartbreak and asking people to offer support to me (which, I still, and eternally will, appreciate all of you for!). Yes, she's a great blog friend, but she's also an AMAZING sister.

We now live further away from one another than we have before. It's about 9 hours. Yet, we are closer than ever. I probably talk to her 5 times a week. For awhile there, I'd call her twice a day just to get through the agonizing pains of heartbreak.

I don't think there are any words poetic enough or any actions telling enough to thank her for being the best sister in the whole world. She'll say, "Oh, you don't have to thank me ... I'm just your sister." (I know her too well).

Well, let me tell you what this woman, who is 'just my sister' has done for me and share a little bit more about her:
- She makes me laugh when I call her crying.
- She cut my hair when I visited (yup, that was me at WalMart!)
- She 'yells' at me for being late for work because she wants me to have a good reputation
- She helped me countdown to college
- She's still a city girl when she drives
- She knows when something's up within the first few seconds of hearing my voice
- She always tells me to 'be safe and have fun'
- She believes in me, even when I don't believe in myself
- She researches everything just to make sure she's in the know
- She knows how to listen
- She knows how to handle our mom
- She helps me handle our brother - because all I ever want to do is argue!
- She's the most hands on, loving mother I've ever witnessed
- She's patient
- She's helped me write all 5,000 versions of my resume - and I have a pretty damn good job now!
- She's protective as hell
- She questions my choices. Not because they're wrong but to make sure I really want to make them (I mean, hell-o, SB)
- She never makes me feel stupid
- She's funny. Probably the funniest person I know
- She's one of those people that is equally stunningly gorgeous inside and out
- She gives the best advice ever
- She can so often by the only light on a dark path for me.
- She's disgustingly smart!
- She's incredibly, genuinely humble
- I am a better person because of her.

I always wanted to be just like her when I grew up. I can't say that has changed too much. I still want to be like her in so many ways. I take it as a huge compliment when people tell me about a similarity between us - even if it's one of our crazy habits/traits! I don't know what I would have been without having her around as I was growing up. She has taught me what unconditional love is all about.

I thank God for her. She's my sister and truly, wholeheartedly my very best friend.

It's sort of like being friends with someone who's famous. But a whole lot better :)

Happy Birthday, sis. I love you to pieces. I hope that one day, in some way I can find a way to thank you for being the very best person in my life. Until then, please know that I am forever grateful for you and I will always, ALWAYS pray that God blesses you with the very best of what life has to offer.

You can have my kidney - even if you don't need it. Just like as a gift or something :)

SB? Maybe not so S anymore ...

He's changed. SB. I might even have to call him B for now.
Yes, you might say I'm stupid.
You could even call me crazy.
And, you might be right.
All I know is how I feel.
And I feel strongly for him.
I've tried to ignore it, I can't.
I've tried to change it, I can't.
I've tried to run, I didn't get far.

It's over with her. He could be lying.
He asked me to come over and wanted me to read something he'd written. It was about me. How he felt about me. How he was wrong to do what he did. How I have turned his life upside down. How I have changed him. How what he wants has been right in front of him. That would be ... me.
He said he doesn't think he could live without me.

I suppose I should have said, "Well, that's nice. But it's too late." And then walked out.
Perhaps one day I'll wish I would have. See, there is still an "issue". No, we're not together. Not yet.
I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know if one day I'll cut and run and LSHMama thinks I should. And, the day might come when I say to many of you, "go ahead, say it ... you told me so"
But for now, I'm going blindly and perhaps stupidly on faith.

It's been a crazy, wonderful last few weeks. He's as sweet as sweet can be. Calling. Texting. E-mailing. Hanging out. I know he's trying. I think he's sincere. He's even gone as far as calling our mutual friend and letting her in on what's been going on. He likes to talk about us being together (yes, we're not). I don't initiate any of this hypothetical mumbo jumbo. But, I can't say that all of it doesn't make me smile like a lunatic.

Truth be told, my friends, I'm scared to death. I don't know what will happen so again, I'm leaning on faith. I don't want to think about the apparent inevitable that my friends keep talking about ... that he'll be a jerk and screw me over. Right now, I'm just hopeful. Hopeful, yes, that this works out, but hopeful that I'll be alright no matter what.

But yeah, the way this is going right now, I'd be okay if it works. Definitely.

Am I crazy?

What's a girl gotta do? Tell me.

Listing Madness

Do you make lists?




I do all the time. I make lists of what I need to do for the day, the weekend. I make grocery lists. I like to write lists of names of people I’d like to invite to a party that I’m not even going to have because I’m never at home. I write lists of things I’d like to accomplish. I have a “bucket list”. I write lists of what I want in life, in a mate. I write lists of goals. I re-write lists that I’ve written. I make lists of things I haven’t said. I have lists of bills/debts that need to be paid off. I wrote a list of things I’d like to do in my new town. I make lists of things I HAVE accomplished. I’ve created lists of habits that I’d like to break. I make lists of EVERYTHING!

I’m crazy.

You might say, “No, you’re not. That is so normal.” Yeah, maybe but see, I never complete any of my lists. Not even my grocery list. It’ll say milk right there at the top but guess what? I get home and then it’s “dammit, how the heck did I forget the milk?” Or the one that’s driving me crazy right now is the fact that I was supposed to pick up my contacts 6 weeks ago and I still haven’t. I’ve been wearing the same pair for two months. Yet, look at my lists and I can guarantee that it was written down at least 4 times.

I write my lists on torn paper, on post it notes, in an e-mail draft, in my notebook with the hearts on it, in a Word document, in the drafts of my text messages, I record lists on my phone’s voice recorder, on the back of a student’s assignment. And now, in my blog.


Again, I’m crazy. :)

So, today I’m making yet another list and I’m sharing it with all of you.

1) Get healthy
2) Pick up contacts
3) Schedule a dentist appointment
4) Figure out what the deal is with SB.
5) Sing on a stage. Some stage, any stage.
6) Make/save some money (this may entail finding a new/additional job)
7) Buy a better recording device
8) Write another song AND put it to some music
9) Go to three of Nashville’s “best spots”
10) Organize – whatever that means.

Okay, so the big question is … what’s a girl gotta do when she makes herself a list? Start crossing stuff off!

I’ll keep you updated!

What a week it's been!!

So much has happened in the past week, I don't even know where to begin.
I've done a road trip on my own, spent time with BoyBF (ca-razy goodness!), hung out with my most favorite person on earth (yay big sis!!) and even managed to see SB a few times. And boy oh boy has A LOT happened there ...

However, I think, hope and pray that the biggest change is coming from within me. I spent several days having the chance to clear my head (that would be the time I spent with my sister, who is honestly, truthfully the most amazing individual in my life!), got some good advice and set up a plan of action for myself - not dealing with him. Me. Solely me.

The 'ship between SB and I has taken quite an interesting turn. I don't know where it's headed next. It might be another heartbreak. It might be something good. I might be an absolute idiot ... I don't know. Right now, I'm more concerned about getting some things started for me. Things I've put off, things I've ignored, calls that need to be made and directions I need to follow.

For now, that's all I'll say (partly because I'm at work!) as I let the last week's events digest and play out some. Then, I'll be more than happy to hear what ya'll have to say! Even you hotmama!

What's a girl gotta do sometimes? Take a few days off and spend it with the dearest, closest person they know ... and perhaps next time it'll be somewhere sunny, next to a large body of water!

Headin' out on the town ...

My boy best friend (BoyBF) is in town. We've spent the last 5 days hanging out, experiencing the city, being absolutely ridiculous. Oh man ... we even saw Michael Buble in concert. Super hot. I highly recommend him. Just looking at him, even. Well, and maybe even listening to him sing.

BoyBF offers such a much needed perspective, as all my dear friends do. We haven't spent actual time together since April so it's almost been a year. We use to spend every day together (yay for our old job!) so the changes in me have been very apparent to him.

Ugh.

Let's just say that on Wednesday alone there were three different moments where I cried.
Oh, this healing process ... what a freakin' journey.
The best part though is that we laugh and laugh and laugh. Not that I haven't been laughing, I mean, I'm not that far gone. It's just good to laugh with an old friend, reminisce about old times all while making new memories.

So far we've gotten lost in my new city, saw an amazing up and coming singer, BoyBF became a karaoke sensation last night, and we managed to dodge a verbal altercation with some way too drunken man at the bar.

Good times, great friend. BoyBF is so awesome. He just played me a song with the line: "If there's one thing that I know, with a million miles to go, nobody, no one can take away my song".

Tonight we're hitting the town again. Somewhere in this mind of mine are thoughts I'd rather not admit to. Oh, boy oh boy, it's time for pre drinks.

What's a girl got to do? grab a lowcut shirt and a LARGE glass of wine! :) haha ...

breathing ...

Whew.

Okay. Here I am! Still breathing.

The tv is still on when I go to bed at night.

We still talk - in fact, I think the friendship part of it is the best it's been.
On the surface. Because I'm still sorta, kinda dying inside.

He thinks I've been indifferent lately; he can't figure me out. Does he really not know. What does a girl say, "Um, well see, I'm not indifferent. I'm just heartbroken ... because of you ... duh."

SB is still very much so stupid boy.

I think maybe I'm just weening myself off. That's what my sister said (she is so my saving grace).

Just living day to day and taking care of me is what I'm doing right now. I'm trying to focus less on him and what's gone on and more on me and what I need to do.

I think it's working.

It still sucks. But writing has helped. Talking has helped.
Heartbreak is not fun. Oddly, though, I suppose I can look at it as if I'm lucky I can experience such emotion. Although I'm not quite sure if I believe this in this very moment but I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.

Indifferent is a way I'll never feel. Even if I might wish I could.

As for the rest of life ... one of my best guy friends is coming to town (don't get any ideas!!!) tomorrow and I'm so excited. I haven't really seen him since the move in July. I'm sure we'll fill the visit up with our old crazy antics. And again, another blessing because it's exactly what I need. God sure is good.

I suppose this will be a series ... what's a girl to do to get over a heartbreak? Connect with dear friends, breathe, and drink lots of water.

To my blogging friends ...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You rock my blogging (and real) world!

You know, it was my sister who talked me into writing a blog. I wonder if she knew what was in store for me. She is absolutely amazing when it comes to helping me heal, or listening, or giving advice, or laughing with me. She's the best. I can't thank her enough for encouraging me to write. How necessary it's been.

This is my therapy.

By your comments and the fact that you're reading this, I feel like I have best friends, shoulders to lean on, tissues to use, slices of chocolate cake, and many, many bottles of wine. Your stories, especially of love winning in the end, are so incredibly helpful and I appreciate all that you have shared with me.

I don't know what I'd do without all of you ... I mean that. I can't wait to read up on everyone's blogs - especially my new friends who've offered their support, thanks to Laskigal. It'll be like hanging out with my girlfriends as I read your happenings.

I'm going to take a few days off of talking about SB. I have to be honest, I know it isn't over - the talking it out part. But I think I might focus on something else because my life is so much more than this.

Oh, and Laskigal. Do you need a kidney? You can have mine.

Love, rjtrue

I don't even know if I can honestly tell you how much this all means to me. Your support, words of wisdom, advice, love ... all of it. You're helping me more than you know. Laskigal - you can have my kidney for this.

I'm going to continue to be honest because, well because that's simply who I am and I firmly feel that's the best way to go.

I haven't shut him out completely. Although, we have talked less in the past week than in the past several months. He doesn't know how I feel ... well, I take that back. Of course he does it's just easier for him to pretend otherwise. I can't say that I blame him.

Actually, I do.

I just blame me more.

I need to get where I'm going. Heartbreaks suck and this ain't easy.

Fast forward

My absence is not because I have run out of things to say … I just don’t know what I want to say. What I should say. What I need to say.

So, I’ll start with this weekend.
The weather was gorgeous and I took full advantage of it. I needed it.
Some friends and I walked around downtown on Saturday and then checked out open houses just for fun yesterday. I fell in love with the east part of town. It's quite a place filled with antique shops, artsy places and just awesome "stuff". I have a feeling I'll visit there often. I've even gotten a little sun ... so enjoyable.

Problem is, I think about him. I can't help it. He's not in the forefront but he's there for sure. I wonder if he'd like this store or that. I think about how we'd probably have fun just walking around. But he doesn't want to do that with me. How is it easy to forget that? But, I do.

I’ve been going to bed with the TV on. I don’t know if that’s a good idea because then I dream about strange things. I don’t want any time of my own to think because it just goes back to him. What could have been, should have been, will never be. Then I think of how he’s probably with her. And happy.

He wonders why I’m still so hurt. Hm. He thinks it’s because of her. Her? Really? Well, I mean, it is. I’m sad that he’s found someone that isn’t me especially when my gut has told me (and guts CAN lie) that we’d be SO GOOD together. But, I must be honest, while that is difficult, while that does pain me, it’s the fact that … that … that I’m hurt. That in my head I’ve allowed him, created him to be exactly what I want. I’ve made myself believe that except for that one thing I’m everything he wants. But do I want someone who has the capacity to say the things he’s said? I just kept forgiving it all because … because I’m crazy.

I’m hurt because he hurt me.

I think this is a heartbreak. A real one. Truth be told, perhaps the first. But it's different. I suppose they all are different.

I haven't talked to him in a few days. I admit, we got together on Wednesday. It was nice. Actually, it was really nice. We hung out for 7 hours with never a dull moment, awkward ones but never dull. He was left speechless by my gift. What can I say? I'm thoughtful. I'm incredible girlfriend material ... just for someone else.

I feel like I need him by my side while I find my way back to me. Even if it means he’s just a friend. There’s part of me that doesn’t want to lose him at all, no matter what. How twisted is that? He's the one who broke me down, made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and he has apologized but those words still ring in my ears. I can’t make it stop. I want him to fix it. I want the guy that kept me coming back. He's great. He's wonderful. He's what I want.

Or so I've let myself come to believe.

It’s funny to me that the first person I think I’ve truly fallen for is someone who has told me I’m not pretty, has questioned my talents and has intentionally never introduced me to his other circles of friends.

I know it could be worse. I need everyone to know that. Or maybe I need to know that. I was watching that Oprah giveaway yesterday and a woman on there had tragically lost her husband – he was shot while at work. A friend of mine got married, then pregnant and her husband turned into (or perhaps she realized he was) a total loser. Women are murdered by the men they love. Another friend’s boyfriend of years and years, the one she was planning her happily ever after with, who she vacationed with, spent holidays with, told her he just didn’t love her anymore and walked away. Oh, boy could I go on and this is just in the love category.

I just met a boy. He said some great things. He also treated me worse than I've ever been treated. I fell anyway. And he didn’t fall back. He fell ahead. Right into someone else. Leaving me to pick myself up. On my own.

What’s a girl to do? Stay friends and just get over it. Never talk to him again. Run. Run fast. Keep obsessing, wishing. Give and not get. Stay hopeful. Listen to more sad songs. Realize what I deserve, hurt for awhile and move on. Keep writing until I figure it out.

I don’t know.

There will come a day when I will read this and roll my eyes. Wish I could just fast forward.

UGH. Stupid boy.

His Words

There's a part of me that thinks it's completely evil to share this with you, since it's stuff he's written for my eyes but now it's mine and it belongs to me so sharing is what I choose to do. And perhaps I just want you to see firsthand what it is I'm dealing with.

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Last night around 11:30ish I got a text that said, "Hey! I’ll hit you up tomorrow. We are having our first sleepover. Is that TMI?”

I didn't respond.

Then, this morning I read this e-mail he had sent about an hour before the text (the subject was "random thoughts")

-I like girls who like me back. No point fighting the others too hard J Been there, done that, time has passed. I got extremely “lucky” this time. Also, surprised I haven’t screwed this up yet even though I caused sour note over the weekend. I’m very surprised I haven’t disappeared into the awesomeness of our little universe and that I still have kept in touch with everyone else.
-I had a party at my house Sunday and didn’t care that they turned my downstairs into a pig pen. And I got pissed that ½ the people who said they would be there didn’t show up (the golden rule?) But then some unexpected people showed up and filled out the original quota even though I didn’t get the caterer like I had planned. (NOTE: I wasn't invited)
-I think I can learn more about a person by sleeping beside them than in hours of conversation. And some people just fit together like a puzzle and it’s for good reason
-I’m afraid of you when you don’t talk or hold things back. But oddly intrigued by it and wondering what is in that head of yours.
-I think I would take back my “never going on a vacation with you” statement from a few months ago on one or two conditions of a not to be spoken nature. I think we would have fun and we obviously wouldn’t lack for conversation. Until you pissed me off or vice versa. I am really happy we seem to have found our friendship groove however and you have stopped calling me “Friend” in that stupid, silly way that you do J
-I am curious what your statement “I find a lot of things about you endearing, yada, yada, things you like least about yourself” relates to.
-I hope you know I find you insanely fascinating. Your facebook story about the list of things you said you wanted to do in the past year sooo made me want to read it. And if not for Julie, I would have totally been your Valentine if for no other reason than just to be nice and help you cross something off your list.

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What's a girl to do? I sure like what law student hot mama said in my last post.

I have major love for you girls!

I need a hairbrush!

Happy Valentine's Day, friends!

For the first time in a while, I showered at night instead of the morning. See, though I have no date for today I wanted to curl my hair and be all cute for this day; as if to say "I don't care if I'm single, I'm going to smile and live it up anyway."

So, I get to work and of course I decide I don't like my hair. It looks alright but it needs to be brushed. Except there are no brushes ANYWHERE!! Ugh.

I know it isn't the end of the world but I'm irritated. Thankfully, I have my Starbucks coffee (compliments of my work bff), a pink shirt and quite possibly a fork that can act as a comb! And it's only 8am. If this is the worst part of my day, then I'm going to be okay. It's going to be interesting. I can't tell you exactly what I'm doing (for fear you might cringe!) but I will be sure to let you know how it turns out!

So, what's a girl gotta do when she needs a hairbrush? Flip your head upside down, shake it out and act like you don't care ... it's amazing how good it'll look then!

Wish me luck.
Have a happy heart!

The day of love ...

I love love. I am not in love. I haven't been for a little while (if I’ve ever even truly been at all) but the mere thought of it just makes me smile.

I must admit that just after I moved here over 6 months ago I made a big “to do” list. I joyfully accomplished every single one of them but one: have a date for Valentine’s Day. I don’t know why I wrote that down because it didn’t really go with everything else I had set out to do; even so, there it was written.

So, it may then go without saying but I don't have a Valentine (though a teenaged boy did ask me today if I would be his - sweet but no!). But I still love the day nonetheless. I'll probably even wear pink. I'm not that type to wear black and be angry that the day exists and that I am single. I understand why people do that but I cannot find it in me because that, in and of itself, seems to be way too much effort.

I don't think it's just a Hallmark holiday ... well, I suppose it is, but it isn't JUST that. All holidays have become victim to candy aisles and strange paraphernalia (you know heart shaped bobble heads with psychotic smiles, stuffed animals dressed up AS the Easter bunny, Christmas tree shaped ice cube trays - this list does not end, friends!) but there is still some real valid reason they came about in the first place. Good 'ol St. Valentine's tale happens to be my favorite.

The history behind it is quite muddied but the one I like best, and true or not, is that this man (Valentine or something sort of like it) defied his ruler who outlawed marriage for his potential soldiers. Valentine thought this to be ludicrous so he performed marriages in secret. And the story continues that perhaps Valentine, after being put in jail, found love and wrote some lucky lady many a love letter and signed them "from your Valentine"

Oh, be still my heart! What a guy.

Okay, maybe you think it’s cheesy but who cannot love love or at least be a little bit moved by someone who literally risks their own life because they believe in love? Believe me, I have many reasons not to because one particular Valentine's Day from years ago holds terrible memories that I cannot and may not ever shake. However, my heart and even my mind find their way back to the thought, the idea, the reality of what it really is all about. So simple. So pure. So love.

So, yes. If you have love you should celebrate it every single moment you feel it but what's the problem with taking out one day to enjoy it, to soak it up, to spend a little money on it, too!

I don't have any plans, nor will I wait by the door for flowers to be delivered (though I may hope for a singing telegram ;) but I can guarantee that this lovely, albeit bittersweet day will be enjoyed by me and hopefully many, many of you!

What's a girl gotta do on Valentine's Day? Love love, friends.

Girly Girl Goodness

I don't think I'd come right out and say I was a girly girl; however, after a conversation with my sister this afternoon I don't think I can be anything but!

I was driving home from work today and I noticed wild turkeys on the side of the road. I had no idea they were indigenous to this new area in which I live - okay, well I heard that they hung out here but I just couldn't picture that yummy, tasty November goodness running around outside for all the world to see.

Anyway, I saw them. A whole bunch. And in my ever so lovely shrilly voice I shared the information with my sister. I said something along the lines of, "I love nature and wild turkeys". I believe she quipped right back with, "Yeah, when you're a safe distance away as you drive by them ... in your car"

I laughed because it's so true.

I'm the kind of girl whose idea of "roughing it" is walking from the driveway to the front door of my house in weather that is either too cold, too warm, too rainy or too not just right.

My idea of camping involves indoor plumbing.

My idea of hiking would be when I accidentally park on one side of the mall when the store I need to visit is on the absolute opposite side.

I plan on going to a ski lodge one day but not to ski ... I just want to fully utilize the spa facilities and appreciate the view from the outside hot tub. All while I sip on a glass of wine.

Okay, I know I sound like a total snot and I'm really not that bad. I like nature. I love animals. I'm forever baffled by how excited I still get at seeing deer in an open field or the view of rolling hills in the distance.

I can handle getting dirty. I just like being a girl. And oftentimes, I like being a girly girl.

Just wanted you all to know.

What's a girl got to do when she's a girl? Well, duh! Call a few friends and celebrate the fact that God made her something so great!

What She Said

I love, love, LOVE coffee. I realize that I pay far too much for it but you know what? I don't care. Nope, I don't. Not one bit. I don't necessarily have a favorite place (though I do frequent Starbucks). It just needs to be ridiculously pricey and have a spot where I can sit by myself or with a good friend or two.



That's what I did the other day. A girlfriend of mine and I decided to head to the local Starbucks after work. We sat for a while and talked about politics, life, friends, religion, work, and drama. I've known her less than six months and from the beginning she has had this strange insight into who I am. It's not like she has my every move pegged or each thought figured out ... she just gets me and I appreciate her more than words can say.



Well, as you know from reading my life, things have been a little harried for me. Friend knows all about them, too. We talked a moment about that, of course. But it was something she said that had nothing to do with anything that struck me the most. It gave me the little bit of the resuscitation that I needed. I think it had to do with WHAT she said as much as it was simply that SHE said it.



She was talking about a friend of hers that she'd grown up with and said, "She's the coolest girl ... you'd love her."



And the light turned on.



I'm not that girl. My friends, new and old, probably wouldn't describe me that way anymore. They would have. They did. They'd say so many wonderful things about me. They have not changed. Our relationships haven't gone to the wayside. I am just different. I am not the person I once was. I think it's a funk. Just a phase. But it feels never-ending.



I'm not a lost cause. It's not so bad that no one wants to hang around me. I'm just not as fun. As exciting. As sparkly. I'm not as cool as I used to be. I'm just okay now but I'm not okay.



:(





What a girl's got to do when she loses herself? Find her. Hug her. And bring her home.

Disappointment and Back-up

I wrote a few different drafts of blogs with topics I’ve wanted to talk about but there’s something that has come up just a few hours ago that I want to discuss.

I disappointed someone today. Someone who loves me very much and only wants the very best for me. I know this person is okay and we’ll be fine but now I’m sitting here trying to figure out what exactly I need to do to “fix” it. She is disappointed in a very poor decision I made. Hindsight didn’t even need to tell me that I should have chosen differently.

I am always honest with her, even when I know she won’t be too happy with me. In this case, I knew she’d be angry … pissed … livid. Perhaps that’s why I’ve never lied to her. Maybe I want to be called out. She keeps me grounded to say the least. And sane, even when insanity is lying next to me.

In thinking about this nonstop and wondering how to remedy things, I’ve realized it has nothing to do with her. She might be frustrated and upset with me but why? It’s me. I did something that is against character but quickly and frighteningly seemingly becoming who I am.

Sometimes we want to get mad at people who don’t “support” us or get excited about our stupid, harmful endeavors. Even if we know we were doing something stupid it’s easy to get defensive when we’re called out on it. We make excuses to others for ourselves and our behavior but really, just like in this case, there’s no need for it.

Her only concern is me. My concern is everything but me. Lucky me, I have someone watching out. I think the only way to fix this situation is to fix me.

I better get going. I’ve got some figuring out to do.

Who's got your back no matter what ridiculous mess you get yourself into?

The girls I know

Shall we discuss the girls that help us along?


I could talk about them every single day. I could talk about boys everyday, too but I have to remember that one of my 2008 Ways of Improving My Life is to get rid of the boys and find me a man ...


Okay, I digress.


I'm in the midst of an odd kind of heartscratch. It's not a break - it wasn't serious enough for that. But, it was unexpectantly expected. I know, strange. But it hurts. A lot. As nearly every matter of the heart like this does. I'll talk about that another day though, friends.


I want to talk about the girls who are by my side through this situation that I should have ran like hell from months ago. I'm walking away slowly now and they are kindly helping ... okay, pulling me along. You know what's funny? All of the girls I'll mention know me so incredibly well. They've been around through the process of this madness and they just listened, gave advice I ignored yet listened still. And though they saw this coming, next to me they still stand.

Two are from work and they sent me e-mails during the day holding words of encouragement and promising chocolate milkshakes and cheese sticks on Wednesday. I've known them a short time but we must be kindred spirits. My best friend from back in Chicago, who is getting married in less than ONE MONTH called me out on every lie and then reminded me of all the great things in my life ... like her of course.

And then, there's my blood. My sisters. My life. I've got a big one and little one. They are quite different but the message is the same: Filled with so much love that it takes care of and replenishes an empty heart.


Because of these women, I'll find what I need to find and then ... because of me, I'll be okay.


Boy are still stupid.


Who are your girls? I sure hope you got yourself a good stable of 'em because I sure don't know who I'd be without them!!

The games we play

So, over the weekend I went out with a "friend" Without getting into the whole history right now, let's just say he is not just a friend. He should be more, he could be more, he would be more but he just isn't. It's friends we are. Ugh.

Anyway, we had Friday off so we decided to go out in the middle of the day. I knew he had some kind of plans for the evening but he wouldn't say what they were. I'm a smart girl so let's be honest, he didn't need to. But anyway, he chose to be mysterious. Fine. Go ahead. Little does he know that he's about as mysterious as a tween girl's obsession with High School Musical.

Moving on.

We met at his place. Before you get any ideas, friends, I was there for all of 15 minutes. Someone please tell me why he had his "evening" clothes laying on the chair in the LIVING ROOM!?!? I hate games. I don't know what he was trying to prove. I got it, you have a hot date after our "friend time". Whatever. I'm a girl. An emotional one at that. And, like I said, I hate games. But my initial reaction was, thankfully, held at bay. I wanted to go biserck and use all sorts of colorful language about how he was such an ass. Instead, I said, "ooo, going somewhere fancy?" and when he didn't respond I just laughed to myself, yet loud enough for him to hear, and told him I liked his choice of clothes.

We went out. We had a decent time. It was far different from out last get together but fun nonethless. At least I thought. He continued this supposed mystery and before I left, you know, so he could get ready for his big event I said, "Just be sure to be cute and charming" smiled, more like smirked, and walked right out.

I guess I have no choice but to play along.

Stupid games. Stupid boy.

Why do you play? Do you always have to? I don't think I'll ever quite get it. But what's my option ... either I'm in or he's going out to find a new scrabble partner. For now, it works. But I tell you, friends, there will come a day when it isn't worth it. The game will be over even though there may be turns left. You definitely can't give it everything you have because then you have nothing left.
And you sure as hell don't want to lose.

Just some facts ...

Maybe you need to know some details about me before I tell you what you've got to do ... Or before you decide this is your favorite thing to read.



I hate driving the speed limit. Yes, I know it's against the law to go over it but I just can't help myself.

Chocolate chip cookies are all too often my downfall.

I wear my heart on my sleeve even though sometimes I'd like to cover it up.

I'm a master at heartbreak. You know, having my heart broken.

Sometimes I come across as needy and emotional ...

Yet, I can be evil, bitchy and manipulative (I mean, I am a girl ;))

I like boys way too much. I can't wait to get to that point where I find myself a man.

Head over heals is so much fun. Until your head comes crashing into cement. For whatever reason, you can never fall on soft ground.

Friends and caffeine are absolute necessities.

I don't know how to get out of a hot shower.

I'm a dreamer but all too often I get sidetracked. Thank God I have people to keep me grounded.

Life's not always been easy but I find the good in just about everything.

I come from a big, crazy, loud family. They are my foundation.

I've been broken down and stitched back up. I have crawled, walked and then fallen back down. I've been there, done that, and come back only to do it again.

GETTING STARTED

Someone once told me that I should think about starting my own online journal. He (of course it was a he) said that I had so much to say so perhaps I just needed a place to get it all out.

I was irritated by that. I'm (obviously) not against the idea of blogging at all. I think it's cool. But I didn't think I needed that in particular. I had a journal that was tucked away, endless notebooks with thoughts and ideas and me babbling endlessly on paper. But the things I told him I wanted him to listen to. He didn't get that part. He thought I just liked to talk. I mean, I do. A lot. But I liked talking to him. He never heard a word I said.

We don't talk anymore.

But I've realized that since then, maybe I do need some sort of outlet. An outlet that's appreciated. If only by some random person clicking on "next blog" trying to find something that pertains to them. Or maybe someone will read something that I've experienced and apply it to their own life.

I've been through a bit here and there. I don't always succeed but it's in failures, too, that I have learned exactly what a girl's gotta do to survive in this world.

I have a lot of best friends - dysfunction and drama are two of the closest. They've taught me so much over the years. I have a feeling you'll get to know them, and me, very well.