Fast forward

My absence is not because I have run out of things to say … I just don’t know what I want to say. What I should say. What I need to say.

So, I’ll start with this weekend.
The weather was gorgeous and I took full advantage of it. I needed it.
Some friends and I walked around downtown on Saturday and then checked out open houses just for fun yesterday. I fell in love with the east part of town. It's quite a place filled with antique shops, artsy places and just awesome "stuff". I have a feeling I'll visit there often. I've even gotten a little sun ... so enjoyable.

Problem is, I think about him. I can't help it. He's not in the forefront but he's there for sure. I wonder if he'd like this store or that. I think about how we'd probably have fun just walking around. But he doesn't want to do that with me. How is it easy to forget that? But, I do.

I’ve been going to bed with the TV on. I don’t know if that’s a good idea because then I dream about strange things. I don’t want any time of my own to think because it just goes back to him. What could have been, should have been, will never be. Then I think of how he’s probably with her. And happy.

He wonders why I’m still so hurt. Hm. He thinks it’s because of her. Her? Really? Well, I mean, it is. I’m sad that he’s found someone that isn’t me especially when my gut has told me (and guts CAN lie) that we’d be SO GOOD together. But, I must be honest, while that is difficult, while that does pain me, it’s the fact that … that … that I’m hurt. That in my head I’ve allowed him, created him to be exactly what I want. I’ve made myself believe that except for that one thing I’m everything he wants. But do I want someone who has the capacity to say the things he’s said? I just kept forgiving it all because … because I’m crazy.

I’m hurt because he hurt me.

I think this is a heartbreak. A real one. Truth be told, perhaps the first. But it's different. I suppose they all are different.

I haven't talked to him in a few days. I admit, we got together on Wednesday. It was nice. Actually, it was really nice. We hung out for 7 hours with never a dull moment, awkward ones but never dull. He was left speechless by my gift. What can I say? I'm thoughtful. I'm incredible girlfriend material ... just for someone else.

I feel like I need him by my side while I find my way back to me. Even if it means he’s just a friend. There’s part of me that doesn’t want to lose him at all, no matter what. How twisted is that? He's the one who broke me down, made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and he has apologized but those words still ring in my ears. I can’t make it stop. I want him to fix it. I want the guy that kept me coming back. He's great. He's wonderful. He's what I want.

Or so I've let myself come to believe.

It’s funny to me that the first person I think I’ve truly fallen for is someone who has told me I’m not pretty, has questioned my talents and has intentionally never introduced me to his other circles of friends.

I know it could be worse. I need everyone to know that. Or maybe I need to know that. I was watching that Oprah giveaway yesterday and a woman on there had tragically lost her husband – he was shot while at work. A friend of mine got married, then pregnant and her husband turned into (or perhaps she realized he was) a total loser. Women are murdered by the men they love. Another friend’s boyfriend of years and years, the one she was planning her happily ever after with, who she vacationed with, spent holidays with, told her he just didn’t love her anymore and walked away. Oh, boy could I go on and this is just in the love category.

I just met a boy. He said some great things. He also treated me worse than I've ever been treated. I fell anyway. And he didn’t fall back. He fell ahead. Right into someone else. Leaving me to pick myself up. On my own.

What’s a girl to do? Stay friends and just get over it. Never talk to him again. Run. Run fast. Keep obsessing, wishing. Give and not get. Stay hopeful. Listen to more sad songs. Realize what I deserve, hurt for awhile and move on. Keep writing until I figure it out.

I don’t know.

There will come a day when I will read this and roll my eyes. Wish I could just fast forward.

UGH. Stupid boy.