Friday, March 28, 2008

Listing Madness

Do you make lists?

I do all the time. I make lists of what I need to do for the day, the weekend. I make grocery lists. I like to write lists of names of people I’d like to invite to a party that I’m not even going to have because I’m never at home. I write lists of things I’d like to accomplish. I have a “bucket list”. I write lists of what I want in life, in a mate. I write lists of goals. I re-write lists that I’ve written. I make lists of things I haven’t said. I have lists of bills/debts that need to be paid off. I wrote a list of things I’d like to do in my new town. I make lists of things I HAVE accomplished. I’ve created lists of habits that I’d like to break. I make lists of EVERYTHING!

I’m crazy.

You might say, “No, you’re not. That is so normal.” Yeah, maybe but see, I never complete any of my lists. Not even my grocery list. It’ll say milk right there at the top but guess what? I get home and then it’s “dammit, how the heck did I forget the milk?” Or the one that’s driving me crazy right now is the fact that I was supposed to pick up my contacts 6 weeks ago and I still haven’t. I’ve been wearing the same pair for two months. Yet, look at my lists and I can guarantee that it was written down at least 4 times.

I write my lists on torn paper, on post it notes, in an e-mail draft, in my notebook with the hearts on it, in a Word document, in the drafts of my text messages, I record lists on my phone’s voice recorder, on the back of a student’s assignment. And now, in my blog.

Again, I’m crazy. :)

So, today I’m making yet another list and I’m sharing it with all of you.

1) Get healthy
2) Pick up contacts
3) Schedule a dentist appointment
4) Figure out what the deal is with SB.
5) Sing on a stage. Some stage, any stage.
6) Make/save some money (this may entail finding a new/additional job)
7) Buy a better recording device
8) Write another song AND put it to some music
9) Go to three of Nashville’s “best spots”
10) Organize – whatever that means.

Okay, so the big question is … what’s a girl gotta do when she makes herself a list? Start crossing stuff off!

I’ll keep you updated!

Monday, March 24, 2008

What a week it's been!!

So much has happened in the past week, I don't even know where to begin.
I've done a road trip on my own, spent time with BoyBF (ca-razy goodness!), hung out with my most favorite person on earth (yay big sis!!) and even managed to see SB a few times. And boy oh boy has A LOT happened there ...

However, I think, hope and pray that the biggest change is coming from within me. I spent several days having the chance to clear my head (that would be the time I spent with my sister, who is honestly, truthfully the most amazing individual in my life!), got some good advice and set up a plan of action for myself - not dealing with him. Me. Solely me.

The 'ship between SB and I has taken quite an interesting turn. I don't know where it's headed next. It might be another heartbreak. It might be something good. I might be an absolute idiot ... I don't know. Right now, I'm more concerned about getting some things started for me. Things I've put off, things I've ignored, calls that need to be made and directions I need to follow.

For now, that's all I'll say (partly because I'm at work!) as I let the last week's events digest and play out some. Then, I'll be more than happy to hear what ya'll have to say! Even you hotmama!

What's a girl gotta do sometimes? Take a few days off and spend it with the dearest, closest person they know ... and perhaps next time it'll be somewhere sunny, next to a large body of water!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Headin' out on the town ...

My boy best friend (BoyBF) is in town. We've spent the last 5 days hanging out, experiencing the city, being absolutely ridiculous. Oh man ... we even saw Michael Buble in concert. Super hot. I highly recommend him. Just looking at him, even. Well, and maybe even listening to him sing.

BoyBF offers such a much needed perspective, as all my dear friends do. We haven't spent actual time together since April so it's almost been a year. We use to spend every day together (yay for our old job!) so the changes in me have been very apparent to him.


Let's just say that on Wednesday alone there were three different moments where I cried.
Oh, this healing process ... what a freakin' journey.
The best part though is that we laugh and laugh and laugh. Not that I haven't been laughing, I mean, I'm not that far gone. It's just good to laugh with an old friend, reminisce about old times all while making new memories.

So far we've gotten lost in my new city, saw an amazing up and coming singer, BoyBF became a karaoke sensation last night, and we managed to dodge a verbal altercation with some way too drunken man at the bar.

Good times, great friend. BoyBF is so awesome. He just played me a song with the line: "If there's one thing that I know, with a million miles to go, nobody, no one can take away my song".

Tonight we're hitting the town again. Somewhere in this mind of mine are thoughts I'd rather not admit to. Oh, boy oh boy, it's time for pre drinks.

What's a girl got to do? grab a lowcut shirt and a LARGE glass of wine! :) haha ...

Monday, March 10, 2008

breathing ...


Okay. Here I am! Still breathing.

The tv is still on when I go to bed at night.

We still talk - in fact, I think the friendship part of it is the best it's been.
On the surface. Because I'm still sorta, kinda dying inside.

He thinks I've been indifferent lately; he can't figure me out. Does he really not know. What does a girl say, "Um, well see, I'm not indifferent. I'm just heartbroken ... because of you ... duh."

SB is still very much so stupid boy.

I think maybe I'm just weening myself off. That's what my sister said (she is so my saving grace).

Just living day to day and taking care of me is what I'm doing right now. I'm trying to focus less on him and what's gone on and more on me and what I need to do.

I think it's working.

It still sucks. But writing has helped. Talking has helped.
Heartbreak is not fun. Oddly, though, I suppose I can look at it as if I'm lucky I can experience such emotion. Although I'm not quite sure if I believe this in this very moment but I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.

Indifferent is a way I'll never feel. Even if I might wish I could.

As for the rest of life ... one of my best guy friends is coming to town (don't get any ideas!!!) tomorrow and I'm so excited. I haven't really seen him since the move in July. I'm sure we'll fill the visit up with our old crazy antics. And again, another blessing because it's exactly what I need. God sure is good.

I suppose this will be a series ... what's a girl to do to get over a heartbreak? Connect with dear friends, breathe, and drink lots of water.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

To my blogging friends ...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You rock my blogging (and real) world!

You know, it was my sister who talked me into writing a blog. I wonder if she knew what was in store for me. She is absolutely amazing when it comes to helping me heal, or listening, or giving advice, or laughing with me. She's the best. I can't thank her enough for encouraging me to write. How necessary it's been.

This is my therapy.

By your comments and the fact that you're reading this, I feel like I have best friends, shoulders to lean on, tissues to use, slices of chocolate cake, and many, many bottles of wine. Your stories, especially of love winning in the end, are so incredibly helpful and I appreciate all that you have shared with me.

I don't know what I'd do without all of you ... I mean that. I can't wait to read up on everyone's blogs - especially my new friends who've offered their support, thanks to Laskigal. It'll be like hanging out with my girlfriends as I read your happenings.

I'm going to take a few days off of talking about SB. I have to be honest, I know it isn't over - the talking it out part. But I think I might focus on something else because my life is so much more than this.

Oh, and Laskigal. Do you need a kidney? You can have mine.

Love, rjtrue
I don't even know if I can honestly tell you how much this all means to me. Your support, words of wisdom, advice, love ... all of it. You're helping me more than you know. Laskigal - you can have my kidney for this.

I'm going to continue to be honest because, well because that's simply who I am and I firmly feel that's the best way to go.

I haven't shut him out completely. Although, we have talked less in the past week than in the past several months. He doesn't know how I feel ... well, I take that back. Of course he does it's just easier for him to pretend otherwise. I can't say that I blame him.

Actually, I do.

I just blame me more.

I need to get where I'm going. Heartbreaks suck and this ain't easy.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Fast forward

My absence is not because I have run out of things to say … I just don’t know what I want to say. What I should say. What I need to say.

So, I’ll start with this weekend.
The weather was gorgeous and I took full advantage of it. I needed it.
Some friends and I walked around downtown on Saturday and then checked out open houses just for fun yesterday. I fell in love with the east part of town. It's quite a place filled with antique shops, artsy places and just awesome "stuff". I have a feeling I'll visit there often. I've even gotten a little sun ... so enjoyable.

Problem is, I think about him. I can't help it. He's not in the forefront but he's there for sure. I wonder if he'd like this store or that. I think about how we'd probably have fun just walking around. But he doesn't want to do that with me. How is it easy to forget that? But, I do.

I’ve been going to bed with the TV on. I don’t know if that’s a good idea because then I dream about strange things. I don’t want any time of my own to think because it just goes back to him. What could have been, should have been, will never be. Then I think of how he’s probably with her. And happy.

He wonders why I’m still so hurt. Hm. He thinks it’s because of her. Her? Really? Well, I mean, it is. I’m sad that he’s found someone that isn’t me especially when my gut has told me (and guts CAN lie) that we’d be SO GOOD together. But, I must be honest, while that is difficult, while that does pain me, it’s the fact that … that … that I’m hurt. That in my head I’ve allowed him, created him to be exactly what I want. I’ve made myself believe that except for that one thing I’m everything he wants. But do I want someone who has the capacity to say the things he’s said? I just kept forgiving it all because … because I’m crazy.

I’m hurt because he hurt me.

I think this is a heartbreak. A real one. Truth be told, perhaps the first. But it's different. I suppose they all are different.

I haven't talked to him in a few days. I admit, we got together on Wednesday. It was nice. Actually, it was really nice. We hung out for 7 hours with never a dull moment, awkward ones but never dull. He was left speechless by my gift. What can I say? I'm thoughtful. I'm incredible girlfriend material ... just for someone else.

I feel like I need him by my side while I find my way back to me. Even if it means he’s just a friend. There’s part of me that doesn’t want to lose him at all, no matter what. How twisted is that? He's the one who broke me down, made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and he has apologized but those words still ring in my ears. I can’t make it stop. I want him to fix it. I want the guy that kept me coming back. He's great. He's wonderful. He's what I want.

Or so I've let myself come to believe.

It’s funny to me that the first person I think I’ve truly fallen for is someone who has told me I’m not pretty, has questioned my talents and has intentionally never introduced me to his other circles of friends.

I know it could be worse. I need everyone to know that. Or maybe I need to know that. I was watching that Oprah giveaway yesterday and a woman on there had tragically lost her husband – he was shot while at work. A friend of mine got married, then pregnant and her husband turned into (or perhaps she realized he was) a total loser. Women are murdered by the men they love. Another friend’s boyfriend of years and years, the one she was planning her happily ever after with, who she vacationed with, spent holidays with, told her he just didn’t love her anymore and walked away. Oh, boy could I go on and this is just in the love category.

I just met a boy. He said some great things. He also treated me worse than I've ever been treated. I fell anyway. And he didn’t fall back. He fell ahead. Right into someone else. Leaving me to pick myself up. On my own.

What’s a girl to do? Stay friends and just get over it. Never talk to him again. Run. Run fast. Keep obsessing, wishing. Give and not get. Stay hopeful. Listen to more sad songs. Realize what I deserve, hurt for awhile and move on. Keep writing until I figure it out.

I don’t know.

There will come a day when I will read this and roll my eyes. Wish I could just fast forward.

UGH. Stupid boy.