nothing for my thoughts ...

This morning when I walked to my car, I began thinking about blogging.

You know, I thought I'd be so, so good at it. I thought it could make some new friends. I thought it would make me feel better having such an outlet. Shoot, I thought it would help make me famous (well, not really - but I wouldn't have minded). I thought I could bring a smile to others faces.

But, I am lucky to average quarterly entries. Which is strange because, in my head, there are a million ideas just waiting to be shared. Today, I wrote on a student's paper: Great ideas. Poor execution. Apparently, we suffer from the same ailment.

Truth be told ... all I ever do is think.

I am a great thinker. Perhaps the best. I think about losing weight. I think about writing. I think about cleaning. I think about singing. I think about sending letters. I think about ways to create world peace. I think about getting my desk organized.

I rarely follow through. There's no doing. There's no chasing. There are only half-assed attempts at trying.

Strange. I thought I was someone different than that.

At least I know the problem: Great ideas. Poor execution.

A draft to post.

I wrote this back in August and just re-read the draft. Things have definitely changed in a matter of months ...
___________________


Do you ever have a line from a song that runs through your head? Over and over and over?



Lately, it's been ... "something something big green tractor", mixed with a little of "when the one you're looking for has been here the whole time" No real significance - just country songs that are overplayed yet still enjoyable.



Then there's this one more ... it's one line on constant repeat in my mind. Since the end of my summer, the start of work. The beginning of many changes.



"I'm feeling a little lonely"



It's strange though because things are really so good. I'm running the whole theatre program, my friends are phenomenal, my family rocks, the boy's wonderful ...



But, somehow I'm so lonely.



And empty.



And unhappy.

Almost ...

"He loved her for

almost everything she was

& she decided that was enough

to let him stay

for a very long time."

*

I used to love this quote. I remember when I first saw it. As I stood in the basement of a friend's home, the quote motioned me over, enticing me with its whimsical, yet mass produced painting, and made me read it.

*

I believed it like it was straight from the lips of God. I suppose I needed that quote. Whether it was in that moment or the months to come, that quote reminded me that being almost loved would be okay. I even proudly placed it in my "favorite quote" section on facebook. Proudly. As if one day, my daughter could come home and tell me "mama, there's this boy that almost loves me. isn't that wonderful?" And then I should beam happiness back at her sweet face.

*

Things have changed.

*

Maybe I read those words differently but I don't think that almost is enough anymore. Perhaps it's because I am close to finally believing that someone loves me for everything I am - angry, crazy, fat, beautiful, frustrating, emotional, baggage filled, money owed self.

*

I hope that one day I can fully believe him, too. Either way, the quote's no longer a favorite. I deserve better. So does my daughter.

...

I'm still here.

That's all ... for now.

I'll be back.

I always am ...

Oh, time how you fly.

Hm. So, it's no secret things have been a little rough. Self-discovery and that whole journey is a pain in the ass. But, that's okay because it's an absolute necessity.

I'm 28 now. Not old, but yet, difficult. Hard to explain.

I've finished 5 years of teaching the madness that is high school. I will even begin my 6th year in a different role - getting back in touch with neglected loves - theatre, plays, musicals, and drama ... well, I've always been in touch with drama!

I am still with Boy. He drives me crazy and annoys the hell out of me at times. I'm sure he finds me beyond difficult in way too many moments. I very wrongly thought this whole relationship stuff would be easy ... But, he loves me ... a lot. And, I love him.

When I allow it (and stop acting stupidly scared and undeserving), it's nearly too good to be true.

For the first time in a long time, I'm not really working this summer. Well, I'm working on me. Getting healthy. Writing. Doing music-related things. Oddly enough, the area that's going quite well is the getting healthy.

Oh, irony. You are so silly.

But, life is alright. Especially because of getaway weekends like this:

What a girl gotta do? Accept some joy.

what's a girl got to do?

I have no idea ...

I have been reading and thinking and writing and reading and thinking and writing. All I know is that I feel like my life is good. Really, really good but I have not fully appreciated it.

And why? Because I'm too caught up in hanging onto something I probably need to be without. I've put a lot of faith and hope into it. Faith and hope I should have been putting into me.

And all this time is going by and here I am sort of sitting on the sidelines. Of my own life.

If you really knew me ...

My students completed a project not long ago as we began a new unit. They had to answer the following question:

If you really knew me, you'd know ...

They couldn't write about the simple things - like, "my favorite color is blue. I like hockey" It had to give insight to them as a person. I thought I'd answer it today.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I try to be optimistic but lately I've been failing miserably. I live way too much on the what if's, to the point that they consume me. The biggest question of all being, "what if I was thinner?"

You'd know that there are moments I think I should just move back to the one place I said I'd never return. "Home." Sometimes, I don't think I deserve to be where I am. I came to chase a dream but somehow, though once strong and unstoppable, I have become one that sits on the sidelines, watching everyone else.

I love, love teaching but I'm pretty sure I need a break for awhile. I don't want to lose what it is that sets me apart from what I fear I'm becoming. I am passionate about what I do - and I want to continue being so - even if I have to step away for bit.

*********************

I planned to write more but it's 1:30am. Time for bed for this girl that you'll know even more about soon ...