Memoir - page one

My sweet sisters gave me a gift - The Book of Me. There is space on every page to share a memory, a fact, or a story about my life. About me.

I thought I'd share my answers here - and perhaps you want to answer the questions for yourself, too.

AKA

What is your full name? Rebecca Jean T

How was that name chosen? For many years, I thought my middle name, Jean, was after my Grandma Jean who wasn't really my grandma. And, God rest her soul, she wasn't the happiest of souls. Finally, one day, I asked my mom and it turns out I'm named after my aunt - it's her middle name. As for my first name ... it wasn't what my mom originally had in mind. She liked Catherine and Suzanne and, I think, Janelle. But, she went with Rebecca once she saw me and because it was from the bible. I might have to ask her again, though. Just to be sure!

What are all the other names you have used? Oh man ... Becky, Bex, Speck, Beacky, Jeannie, Beckster, T, Lil Turkey, T-ster, Ms T, FP, Seester, MT, Gurl, B*Bomb, T-Time, Sweet T, T-Top, Puddin' Head, Angel Baby ...

How did you get those names? Well, most of them are variations from my given name, obviously. Puddin' Head and Angel Baby are from my Dad and Mom. I probably have a million from my 10 letter intimidating last name.

Have you ever been called by a name that was distasteful or hurtful? Not really. At least none that have really mattered. My last name can be somewhat like "Turds" but, in hindsight, it's humorous.

If you could choose a different name, what would it be? Perhaps something less common but I love my name - after 29 years, it helps define me. I love my last name because it's so different and quite the conversation piece. And, I like the idea that my middle name is after someone important to my Mom. As for Rebecca ... there are few people who call me by my given name - it's mostly Becky. Sometimes that seems silly just to say - a little young, silly but I suppose that can help always keep me youthful.

a post

Dear friend,

I realize if I actually promise something, I may follow through. Perhaps that's the key to my last blog post ... so, because I promised that you'd have something to read on my blog by six this evening (though it's really going to be more like seven!), here is my entry.
By the way, I am lucky to have you for a friend.

Dear sis (and blogless little sis),

Thank you for my 29th birthday gift ... a do-it-yourself memoir. Lord knows I needed the help to get going ...

If you really knew me ...

My students completed a project not long ago as we began a new unit. They had to answer the following question:

If you really knew me, you'd know ...

They couldn't write about the simple things - like, "my favorite color is blue. I like hockey" It had to give insight to them as a person. I thought I'd answer it today.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I try to be optimistic but lately I've been failing miserably. I live way too much on the what if's, to the point that they consume me. The biggest question of all being, "what if I was thinner?"

You'd know that there are moments I think I should just move back to the one place I said I'd never return. "Home." Sometimes, I don't think I deserve to be where I am. I came to chase a dream but somehow, though once strong and unstoppable, I have become one that sits on the sidelines, watching everyone else.

I love, love teaching but I'm pretty sure I need a break for awhile. I don't want to lose what it is that sets me apart from what I fear I'm becoming. I am passionate about what I do - and I want to continue being so - even if I have to step away for bit.

*********************

I planned to write more but it's 1:30am. Time for bed for this girl that you'll know even more about soon ...

What's Keeping Me Away

My sister's on my case about writing a new blog - I started this whole venture into the bloggy world with big ideas and grand dreams of writing every day. Yeah, that didn't happen. It's a treat when I write twice in one month.

I have so, so much to say though. Lots to talk about. Silly stories, serious tales, and frightening experiences. I have thoughts in my mind that keep me awake at night as I stare at the ceiling wondering what I could have done, what I should do or where my next move might take me. I have these ideas from watching the news, reading facebook, and listening to my students chatter on.

I just don't share. Though I want to. Though I should. Though it would be good for me. Though it may be good for you.

I have no real reason I don't, either. I'n not preoccupied with toddlers using my body as a jungle gym. I'm not kept at work for yet another late night because work's piled up. I'm busy, but I have time.

I just can't share my stories. I think it's because there's this one story that looms over my head that once I write it, I have to let it go. And I'm not ready yet.

I'm about at the point where there's so much else to say that I'll find my way to writing again but I just needed these few moments. I'll share soon. I'll even share the story that's keeping me away. Soon.

Thursday's Thirteen

I love perusing people's sites and stealing ideas from them ... such as this one!

Thank you friend!

Now, you may be wondering how the heck I'm managing TWO posts in one day when I go weeks without writing ... well, I'm a teacher and I have a student teacher. My only comment about that for now - borrowing from good 'ol southern women - bless his heart.

Now, for Thirteen Things I Don't Want to Take for Granted ...

1) My family - mom, dad, sisters, brudder, their babies
2) My friends and their willingness to listen to my endless stories
3) My youthful looks. At 27 I still have a baby face - it drives me crazy but I know I'll miss it one day
4) The way fall smells and sounds - the leaves crunching under your feet, the crisp, cool air












5) The time I have to visit with those I love
6) The time I'm given because I have a student teacher
7) Payday











8) My ability to get off a couch, to walk, to move
9) Yummy food - I shouldn't treat it like a regular item
10) Nature - every season
11) The fact that I am saved
12) The boy
13) That there's still time ...

You??

My Secret

My secret.

If I could keep anything from you, it isn’t that I sucked my thumb for far too long. It wouldn’t be that I grew up in a house where water was shut off due to unpaid bills. Or that I have been accused of lying, cheating, and stealing (whether guilty or not). It wouldn’t even be that I have run away from home in bare feet, scared to death and nowhere to go.

Yes, these are my secrets. Things I try to keep from even my innermost circle of friends. But, with my head hung in shame, fear or embarrassment, I would do it. I would share this with you. If it meant that my secret, my one that can bring me to tears and silence in seconds, would never have to be shared.

It’s that I’m a big girl … big boned, plus sized, shapely, lusciously large, full figured … fat.

No, dear friend, I am not just 10lbs overweight, or even 30. It’s more than that. But, it has never defined me. Yet it has. It doesn’t make me who I am yet at times, it’s everything about me. For others, it IS my very being. I’m sure I’ve been written off by people who have not taken a moment to get to know me strictly because of what I look like.

But, I am so, so much more than that. But there are moments that I forget. And that’s when this little, yet big, issue becomes my grandest secret.

I’ve heard the jokes – from the school hallways to the mall, my own backyard to the workplace. From mothers in front of their daughters at the local playground to boys in clubs with beers in their hands. Some were blatant and said straight to my face. Others were side comments or side glances that I caught – because I’m always on the lookout. Always one the defense. Ready to … to … ready to take it.

There are days I fight. And I fight hard. With the mirror. With my jeans. With my make-up. With every physical part of myself. It seems to be those very days that I just happen to pass the best looking girls, the most attractive men. And I feel inadequate, insecure, insignificant – not me. I seem to forget the things that make up who I am.

How do I get back there to this place where I can remember? I’m on my way right now ...

My first meme!!!!!

I've never done one of these before but I decided to steal it when I saw it on Kathryn's awesome site (check it out ... Seeking Sanity)

I know ... that he loves me
I believe... in God - more than anything else. And, I believe in me, too!
I fought...
I am angered.... by stupidity and ignorance.
I love... Nashville and what life here has given me
I need... my family, friends and MONEY.
I take... what I can get
I hear... typing
I drink... coffee everyday - if I could afford it, I'd drink starbucks twice a day everyday.
I hate.... ants
I use... Herbal Essence shampoo and conditioner
I want... my man
I like... love
I feel... itchy - out of habit I think
I wear... two bras when I work out - my boobs are huge
I left... my checkbook at home - dammit
I do... a lot of stuff. Kinda like staying busy I guess
I hope... that's what I do
I dream... big
I drive... too fast. Need proof? Three tickets in one year
I listen... to country music all the freakin' time
I type... more than I write.
I think... I'm crazy sometimes :)
I wish... I could get a massage right this moment
I am... in love
I regret... not going to the audition today
I care.... too much sometimes. (me too, me too)
I should... workout
I said... whatever came to my mind.
I wonder... if we'll make it because I'm kinda thinking so
I changed... my shirt three times - no reason. I'm not going anywhere. I've pretty much sat inside all day. I mean, it is 100 degrees.
I cry... a lot more lately
I lose... my mind.
I leave... no, I stay.

I need coke ...

OMGoodness!
Has it really, truly been over two weeks and you haven't heard a word from me?

Dang! Hope you're all okay but I suppose you're getting used to my being MIA!

So, this is totally random but I was thinking about it the past few days ...

I gave up Coke last summer and switched to Diet. I figured it would help me become healthier and it did assist me in losing a few pounds. I always hated when people said that they liked Diet Coke - you like it? Really? That stuff that has absolutely NO taste at all, whatsoever. And who the heck orders the cheeseburger meal with a diet coke ... freaks!

I became a freak.

Yup, I started liking diet coke and would actually go as far as saying that I craved one.

Well, then, see, I started hearing that it wasn't good for you and perhaps even worse than its regular counterpart. Apparently, the elements in it are so bad it could break down rust, imagine what it's doing to your body - people would say.

Whatever, I don't care about that. Bring it, my body needs to be cleansed of rust anyway. But they'd also add ...

It makes you want sugars because of the lack of said product in it.

No way. I drank away, not believing what people said.

But then, in the midst of my getting healthy in all aspects of life journey, I started wanting, needing candy, chocolate, cake, ice cream - whatever had sugar in it. Hell, I'd eat raw sugar straight from the plant if I knew where to find it.

Then. It happened. My car drove itself to McDonald's drive through for that sugary syrupy goodness. My mouth opened, I couldn't control it, and it requested a medium oh-so-yummy coke (read: no diet!). My lips and tongue even said "light ice" as to maximize the amount of forbidden liquid.

It was good. So good. It was like a reunion.

But it's over. I gave in and I can't do it again. But that one time ... it was right. I won't forget it.

Listing Madness

Do you make lists?




I do all the time. I make lists of what I need to do for the day, the weekend. I make grocery lists. I like to write lists of names of people I’d like to invite to a party that I’m not even going to have because I’m never at home. I write lists of things I’d like to accomplish. I have a “bucket list”. I write lists of what I want in life, in a mate. I write lists of goals. I re-write lists that I’ve written. I make lists of things I haven’t said. I have lists of bills/debts that need to be paid off. I wrote a list of things I’d like to do in my new town. I make lists of things I HAVE accomplished. I’ve created lists of habits that I’d like to break. I make lists of EVERYTHING!

I’m crazy.

You might say, “No, you’re not. That is so normal.” Yeah, maybe but see, I never complete any of my lists. Not even my grocery list. It’ll say milk right there at the top but guess what? I get home and then it’s “dammit, how the heck did I forget the milk?” Or the one that’s driving me crazy right now is the fact that I was supposed to pick up my contacts 6 weeks ago and I still haven’t. I’ve been wearing the same pair for two months. Yet, look at my lists and I can guarantee that it was written down at least 4 times.

I write my lists on torn paper, on post it notes, in an e-mail draft, in my notebook with the hearts on it, in a Word document, in the drafts of my text messages, I record lists on my phone’s voice recorder, on the back of a student’s assignment. And now, in my blog.


Again, I’m crazy. :)

So, today I’m making yet another list and I’m sharing it with all of you.

1) Get healthy
2) Pick up contacts
3) Schedule a dentist appointment
4) Figure out what the deal is with SB.
5) Sing on a stage. Some stage, any stage.
6) Make/save some money (this may entail finding a new/additional job)
7) Buy a better recording device
8) Write another song AND put it to some music
9) Go to three of Nashville’s “best spots”
10) Organize – whatever that means.

Okay, so the big question is … what’s a girl gotta do when she makes herself a list? Start crossing stuff off!

I’ll keep you updated!

Girly Girl Goodness

I don't think I'd come right out and say I was a girly girl; however, after a conversation with my sister this afternoon I don't think I can be anything but!

I was driving home from work today and I noticed wild turkeys on the side of the road. I had no idea they were indigenous to this new area in which I live - okay, well I heard that they hung out here but I just couldn't picture that yummy, tasty November goodness running around outside for all the world to see.

Anyway, I saw them. A whole bunch. And in my ever so lovely shrilly voice I shared the information with my sister. I said something along the lines of, "I love nature and wild turkeys". I believe she quipped right back with, "Yeah, when you're a safe distance away as you drive by them ... in your car"

I laughed because it's so true.

I'm the kind of girl whose idea of "roughing it" is walking from the driveway to the front door of my house in weather that is either too cold, too warm, too rainy or too not just right.

My idea of camping involves indoor plumbing.

My idea of hiking would be when I accidentally park on one side of the mall when the store I need to visit is on the absolute opposite side.

I plan on going to a ski lodge one day but not to ski ... I just want to fully utilize the spa facilities and appreciate the view from the outside hot tub. All while I sip on a glass of wine.

Okay, I know I sound like a total snot and I'm really not that bad. I like nature. I love animals. I'm forever baffled by how excited I still get at seeing deer in an open field or the view of rolling hills in the distance.

I can handle getting dirty. I just like being a girl. And oftentimes, I like being a girly girl.

Just wanted you all to know.

What's a girl got to do when she's a girl? Well, duh! Call a few friends and celebrate the fact that God made her something so great!

Just some facts ...

Maybe you need to know some details about me before I tell you what you've got to do ... Or before you decide this is your favorite thing to read.



I hate driving the speed limit. Yes, I know it's against the law to go over it but I just can't help myself.

Chocolate chip cookies are all too often my downfall.

I wear my heart on my sleeve even though sometimes I'd like to cover it up.

I'm a master at heartbreak. You know, having my heart broken.

Sometimes I come across as needy and emotional ...

Yet, I can be evil, bitchy and manipulative (I mean, I am a girl ;))

I like boys way too much. I can't wait to get to that point where I find myself a man.

Head over heals is so much fun. Until your head comes crashing into cement. For whatever reason, you can never fall on soft ground.

Friends and caffeine are absolute necessities.

I don't know how to get out of a hot shower.

I'm a dreamer but all too often I get sidetracked. Thank God I have people to keep me grounded.

Life's not always been easy but I find the good in just about everything.

I come from a big, crazy, loud family. They are my foundation.

I've been broken down and stitched back up. I have crawled, walked and then fallen back down. I've been there, done that, and come back only to do it again.

GETTING STARTED

Someone once told me that I should think about starting my own online journal. He (of course it was a he) said that I had so much to say so perhaps I just needed a place to get it all out.

I was irritated by that. I'm (obviously) not against the idea of blogging at all. I think it's cool. But I didn't think I needed that in particular. I had a journal that was tucked away, endless notebooks with thoughts and ideas and me babbling endlessly on paper. But the things I told him I wanted him to listen to. He didn't get that part. He thought I just liked to talk. I mean, I do. A lot. But I liked talking to him. He never heard a word I said.

We don't talk anymore.

But I've realized that since then, maybe I do need some sort of outlet. An outlet that's appreciated. If only by some random person clicking on "next blog" trying to find something that pertains to them. Or maybe someone will read something that I've experienced and apply it to their own life.

I've been through a bit here and there. I don't always succeed but it's in failures, too, that I have learned exactly what a girl's gotta do to survive in this world.

I have a lot of best friends - dysfunction and drama are two of the closest. They've taught me so much over the years. I have a feeling you'll get to know them, and me, very well.