A draft to post.

I wrote this back in August and just re-read the draft. Things have definitely changed in a matter of months ...
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Do you ever have a line from a song that runs through your head? Over and over and over?



Lately, it's been ... "something something big green tractor", mixed with a little of "when the one you're looking for has been here the whole time" No real significance - just country songs that are overplayed yet still enjoyable.



Then there's this one more ... it's one line on constant repeat in my mind. Since the end of my summer, the start of work. The beginning of many changes.



"I'm feeling a little lonely"



It's strange though because things are really so good. I'm running the whole theatre program, my friends are phenomenal, my family rocks, the boy's wonderful ...



But, somehow I'm so lonely.



And empty.



And unhappy.

Sometimes ...

just sometimes ...


I'm really stupid.


But, I don't regret it.


Except that it hurts. A lot.

Damn that Cinderella.

Before the boy ... well, well over a year ago ... where the text came from ...

It was a ticket I never paid. Back in Chicago. I had forgotten about it. I packed up my boxes - ticket enclosed in some box, somewhere ... I figured I'd get to it at some point.


He beat me to it. I got a call from some bill collector. I had moved to Nashville three days before and was driving around getting a feel for my new, wonderful surroundings. My new life.


My ticket was turned into some collection agency and some guy, MM, just happened to have my name cross his desk. He called. My world was changed.


He was a total jerk within the first few moments. I suppose it's a tactic that works - but I am fiesty. I told him off, then realized I was lost. Wouldn't you just know it that this man used to live in Nashville. So, from his chair in the south suburbs of Chicago (mere minutes from where I just moved from), he told me how to unlose myself. I got back on the right track. Little did I know that some form of the word lost would come up again. And again. And again.

Now, it would only be me who'd start talking to some random person, quickly strike up a friendship and fall fast and hard. But, it happened. There is very little I'd change about the situation ... I take that back. I'd never get as lost in the idea like I did. Though it was lovely, ridiculous, perfect. It made me feel good.

Or, rather simply, it made me feel.

We started to find reasons to call. Like, you know, I wouldn't pay when I said I would. (stupid, I know). And then, it turned into talking just because. Then it was every day. It was about the little things, the big things. It was about life, fears, hopes, the future. Oh, and we flirted. A LOT. Some people thought I was silly. Other friends would ask every day what the newest MM news was and couldn't wait to hear. I had a smile on my face that couldn't be changed. He had that kind of voice that with the start of a "hello" could send chills to every part of my skin. He was smooth, funny, intelligent and the kind of smart that you get when you choose to learn from what life offers. I was entirely lost in this man and whatever hope he stood for. He seemed to "get me" like no one else could. I knew that it may not turn out the way I wanted, but in those moment, I wanted to become the very best version of myself. Not for him. Just because.

He wanted to visit but I was too scared. Because of my "secret." Here I was on the journey of a better me - I was done hiding behind the weight of difficult years, sadness and the inability to cope with a difficult past. The last thing I wanted was for someone to meet me, take one look and despite whatever relationship was created, walk away and pretend I didn't even exist. I wanted someone - him - to accept me for who I was at that moment, who I had been before, and for the person I had yet to become.

I never even got to that point.

One fateful day (that I think I always knew was coming) he stopped calling. Stopped texting. Stopped communicating. He, apparently, got lost.

Damn Cinderella stories. I wanted a happy ending.

And, boy, did it hurt. I guess the signs were there. He was just getting out of a 2 year relationship with a woman he was still living with. I still don't have his reasoning. I'm assuming it has something to do with that. That I was some fill-in fun. Some random, faceless girl who meant not enough to matter.

Yeah, sometimes I'm that stupid. But, I was coming off a rough year where there was way too much self-realization. Too much loneliness and emptiness. A few broken relationships - I was ready for my big change. And how perfect it would be that amidst my life overhaul, I'd find someone good. What I thought was really good.

So, that's where the text came from. We stopped talking just before Chrismtas '07 and then, nearly a year later, I get a text in the middle of the night. It said he was in town. He did it because he thought I'd "get a kick out of that."

No, not so much.

The same girls that had listened to every last story of MM with earnest ears, took me out for a milkshake that day. Thank God, yet again, for friends.

Oh, and in case you're wondering. Yeah, I responded. But I guess he just wanted to say enough to resurrect the dead. It's just taking a while to put it back to rest.

And yeah, I do have a great guy. The best. It just sucks when old ones decide to find their way back ...

The Rash and the Visit

Well ...

Let's talk about the rash.

So, they tore my skin out. Tested it. Took a really, really long time to figure it out and after two long weeks they had results.

Inconclusive.

Really? REALLY??

But, oddly enough, it's gone. We'll just wait til it comes back and then try again.

Whatever.

So. Next up. THE visit.

Truth be told - I've never brought anyone home to meet the fam. But he isn't just anyone.

I drove 10 hours to the north a week beforehand to hang out with the family - and yes, I got to see two of my favorite people on earth: my sisters!

He came up the following Friday and can I just say that it was the absolute, most perfect weekend. The family likes him, the friends like him. It went better than I could have thought.

Mom's smitten, bro carried an actual conversation, lil sis joked, sis-in-law asked all the questions, dad told stories, friends sat and chatted for hours.

I smiled. And smiled. And smiled. I'm in love.

Well, this girl's got to get to bed. But let's just say - it seems like there was never an SB ...

Headin' out on the town ...

My boy best friend (BoyBF) is in town. We've spent the last 5 days hanging out, experiencing the city, being absolutely ridiculous. Oh man ... we even saw Michael Buble in concert. Super hot. I highly recommend him. Just looking at him, even. Well, and maybe even listening to him sing.

BoyBF offers such a much needed perspective, as all my dear friends do. We haven't spent actual time together since April so it's almost been a year. We use to spend every day together (yay for our old job!) so the changes in me have been very apparent to him.

Ugh.

Let's just say that on Wednesday alone there were three different moments where I cried.
Oh, this healing process ... what a freakin' journey.
The best part though is that we laugh and laugh and laugh. Not that I haven't been laughing, I mean, I'm not that far gone. It's just good to laugh with an old friend, reminisce about old times all while making new memories.

So far we've gotten lost in my new city, saw an amazing up and coming singer, BoyBF became a karaoke sensation last night, and we managed to dodge a verbal altercation with some way too drunken man at the bar.

Good times, great friend. BoyBF is so awesome. He just played me a song with the line: "If there's one thing that I know, with a million miles to go, nobody, no one can take away my song".

Tonight we're hitting the town again. Somewhere in this mind of mine are thoughts I'd rather not admit to. Oh, boy oh boy, it's time for pre drinks.

What's a girl got to do? grab a lowcut shirt and a LARGE glass of wine! :) haha ...

breathing ...

Whew.

Okay. Here I am! Still breathing.

The tv is still on when I go to bed at night.

We still talk - in fact, I think the friendship part of it is the best it's been.
On the surface. Because I'm still sorta, kinda dying inside.

He thinks I've been indifferent lately; he can't figure me out. Does he really not know. What does a girl say, "Um, well see, I'm not indifferent. I'm just heartbroken ... because of you ... duh."

SB is still very much so stupid boy.

I think maybe I'm just weening myself off. That's what my sister said (she is so my saving grace).

Just living day to day and taking care of me is what I'm doing right now. I'm trying to focus less on him and what's gone on and more on me and what I need to do.

I think it's working.

It still sucks. But writing has helped. Talking has helped.
Heartbreak is not fun. Oddly, though, I suppose I can look at it as if I'm lucky I can experience such emotion. Although I'm not quite sure if I believe this in this very moment but I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.

Indifferent is a way I'll never feel. Even if I might wish I could.

As for the rest of life ... one of my best guy friends is coming to town (don't get any ideas!!!) tomorrow and I'm so excited. I haven't really seen him since the move in July. I'm sure we'll fill the visit up with our old crazy antics. And again, another blessing because it's exactly what I need. God sure is good.

I suppose this will be a series ... what's a girl to do to get over a heartbreak? Connect with dear friends, breathe, and drink lots of water.