Damn that Cinderella.

Before the boy ... well, well over a year ago ... where the text came from ...

It was a ticket I never paid. Back in Chicago. I had forgotten about it. I packed up my boxes - ticket enclosed in some box, somewhere ... I figured I'd get to it at some point.


He beat me to it. I got a call from some bill collector. I had moved to Nashville three days before and was driving around getting a feel for my new, wonderful surroundings. My new life.


My ticket was turned into some collection agency and some guy, MM, just happened to have my name cross his desk. He called. My world was changed.


He was a total jerk within the first few moments. I suppose it's a tactic that works - but I am fiesty. I told him off, then realized I was lost. Wouldn't you just know it that this man used to live in Nashville. So, from his chair in the south suburbs of Chicago (mere minutes from where I just moved from), he told me how to unlose myself. I got back on the right track. Little did I know that some form of the word lost would come up again. And again. And again.

Now, it would only be me who'd start talking to some random person, quickly strike up a friendship and fall fast and hard. But, it happened. There is very little I'd change about the situation ... I take that back. I'd never get as lost in the idea like I did. Though it was lovely, ridiculous, perfect. It made me feel good.

Or, rather simply, it made me feel.

We started to find reasons to call. Like, you know, I wouldn't pay when I said I would. (stupid, I know). And then, it turned into talking just because. Then it was every day. It was about the little things, the big things. It was about life, fears, hopes, the future. Oh, and we flirted. A LOT. Some people thought I was silly. Other friends would ask every day what the newest MM news was and couldn't wait to hear. I had a smile on my face that couldn't be changed. He had that kind of voice that with the start of a "hello" could send chills to every part of my skin. He was smooth, funny, intelligent and the kind of smart that you get when you choose to learn from what life offers. I was entirely lost in this man and whatever hope he stood for. He seemed to "get me" like no one else could. I knew that it may not turn out the way I wanted, but in those moment, I wanted to become the very best version of myself. Not for him. Just because.

He wanted to visit but I was too scared. Because of my "secret." Here I was on the journey of a better me - I was done hiding behind the weight of difficult years, sadness and the inability to cope with a difficult past. The last thing I wanted was for someone to meet me, take one look and despite whatever relationship was created, walk away and pretend I didn't even exist. I wanted someone - him - to accept me for who I was at that moment, who I had been before, and for the person I had yet to become.

I never even got to that point.

One fateful day (that I think I always knew was coming) he stopped calling. Stopped texting. Stopped communicating. He, apparently, got lost.

Damn Cinderella stories. I wanted a happy ending.

And, boy, did it hurt. I guess the signs were there. He was just getting out of a 2 year relationship with a woman he was still living with. I still don't have his reasoning. I'm assuming it has something to do with that. That I was some fill-in fun. Some random, faceless girl who meant not enough to matter.

Yeah, sometimes I'm that stupid. But, I was coming off a rough year where there was way too much self-realization. Too much loneliness and emptiness. A few broken relationships - I was ready for my big change. And how perfect it would be that amidst my life overhaul, I'd find someone good. What I thought was really good.

So, that's where the text came from. We stopped talking just before Chrismtas '07 and then, nearly a year later, I get a text in the middle of the night. It said he was in town. He did it because he thought I'd "get a kick out of that."

No, not so much.

The same girls that had listened to every last story of MM with earnest ears, took me out for a milkshake that day. Thank God, yet again, for friends.

Oh, and in case you're wondering. Yeah, I responded. But I guess he just wanted to say enough to resurrect the dead. It's just taking a while to put it back to rest.

And yeah, I do have a great guy. The best. It just sucks when old ones decide to find their way back ...

a text

Really??

After all this time?

You're gonna send me a message now?

Not fair. Not fair at all.

Here's to another stupid boy.

Thank God I have a good one.

The Rash and the Visit

Well ...

Let's talk about the rash.

So, they tore my skin out. Tested it. Took a really, really long time to figure it out and after two long weeks they had results.

Inconclusive.

Really? REALLY??

But, oddly enough, it's gone. We'll just wait til it comes back and then try again.

Whatever.

So. Next up. THE visit.

Truth be told - I've never brought anyone home to meet the fam. But he isn't just anyone.

I drove 10 hours to the north a week beforehand to hang out with the family - and yes, I got to see two of my favorite people on earth: my sisters!

He came up the following Friday and can I just say that it was the absolute, most perfect weekend. The family likes him, the friends like him. It went better than I could have thought.

Mom's smitten, bro carried an actual conversation, lil sis joked, sis-in-law asked all the questions, dad told stories, friends sat and chatted for hours.

I smiled. And smiled. And smiled. I'm in love.

Well, this girl's got to get to bed. But let's just say - it seems like there was never an SB ...

a trip "home" part one

Just wanted to say that I went to visit the family ...

Guess who came with??? The boy.

Man oh man ...

Details to follow.
About the visit
And The Rash.

About a Boy

... the boy.

So, things are going well. Really well. Scary well. But it's definitely the "I don't want this to end" well.

I'm not a day by day kind of person but I'm trying my darnedest to be these days because I don't want to freak out like I so notoriously can and have before. I haven't said much of anything about him, maybe it's because I've shared the bad, the hurt, the pain and I know that he probably doesn't (and shouldn't) look so good in my friends' eyes.

I haven't forgotten what's happened, as I know I've mentioned before, but the guy this guy ... he makes me only want to live the present and hope for the future. He makes it easy to let go of, or at least push far away the oh-so-ugly. Not just between me and him, either, which might be the best part, but stuff that happened long before he was even around.

I'm doped up on happy ... not too much that I've detached myself from reality but just enough that it feels good. And right. He once said something about some Dr. Seuss quote that said, "you know you're in love when your reality is finally better than your dreams" or something like that ... well, dare I say it, I'm in love with my reality. Well, the love part of it. Certain parts need some work (and rest assured big sis, I'm working on them).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not lost in the dream world, nor am I masking it with pretty colors. He still drives me crazy and annoys me. I do the same to him. But he's also sweet as sweet can be and completely fighting the fact that he's totally whipped.

I was gone three weekends in a row, then he was gone the next three. I got texts that said I miss you. I got phone calls in the midst of his busy weekend because he just wants to hear my voice. I got a keychain from his one day trip to NC.

Oh, and you'll love this. For my birthday, he surprised me while I was trying to teach Romeo and Juliet to my precious freshmen! (The Balcony Scene nonetheless!). He brought cupcakes, a balloon, an incredibly sweet card and a tiara.

I turned red - I had lobsters beat.

Then, I left for NYC and when he picked me up on Sunday ... he had flowers and a whole evening planned.

Oh, and have I mentioned? He's an incredible kisser.

Have you ever heard the song, "Realize" by Colbie Calliet? He told me I had to listen to it because it was so perfect ...

And here's something he said about a month ago: "I wish I had a time machine ... I'm glad I saw the real you before it was too late for me..."

Okay, I feel like I'm getting kinda sappy which looks good on no one :) I'll keep you up to date and you can feel free to ask any questions. I'm sure there might even be days I need advice since this is so new for me. I just hope it continues because it's sorta, kinda, pretty much exactly what I hoped this feeling would be like (well, without that initial drama, of course!!)

Fast forward

My absence is not because I have run out of things to say … I just don’t know what I want to say. What I should say. What I need to say.

So, I’ll start with this weekend.
The weather was gorgeous and I took full advantage of it. I needed it.
Some friends and I walked around downtown on Saturday and then checked out open houses just for fun yesterday. I fell in love with the east part of town. It's quite a place filled with antique shops, artsy places and just awesome "stuff". I have a feeling I'll visit there often. I've even gotten a little sun ... so enjoyable.

Problem is, I think about him. I can't help it. He's not in the forefront but he's there for sure. I wonder if he'd like this store or that. I think about how we'd probably have fun just walking around. But he doesn't want to do that with me. How is it easy to forget that? But, I do.

I’ve been going to bed with the TV on. I don’t know if that’s a good idea because then I dream about strange things. I don’t want any time of my own to think because it just goes back to him. What could have been, should have been, will never be. Then I think of how he’s probably with her. And happy.

He wonders why I’m still so hurt. Hm. He thinks it’s because of her. Her? Really? Well, I mean, it is. I’m sad that he’s found someone that isn’t me especially when my gut has told me (and guts CAN lie) that we’d be SO GOOD together. But, I must be honest, while that is difficult, while that does pain me, it’s the fact that … that … that I’m hurt. That in my head I’ve allowed him, created him to be exactly what I want. I’ve made myself believe that except for that one thing I’m everything he wants. But do I want someone who has the capacity to say the things he’s said? I just kept forgiving it all because … because I’m crazy.

I’m hurt because he hurt me.

I think this is a heartbreak. A real one. Truth be told, perhaps the first. But it's different. I suppose they all are different.

I haven't talked to him in a few days. I admit, we got together on Wednesday. It was nice. Actually, it was really nice. We hung out for 7 hours with never a dull moment, awkward ones but never dull. He was left speechless by my gift. What can I say? I'm thoughtful. I'm incredible girlfriend material ... just for someone else.

I feel like I need him by my side while I find my way back to me. Even if it means he’s just a friend. There’s part of me that doesn’t want to lose him at all, no matter what. How twisted is that? He's the one who broke me down, made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and he has apologized but those words still ring in my ears. I can’t make it stop. I want him to fix it. I want the guy that kept me coming back. He's great. He's wonderful. He's what I want.

Or so I've let myself come to believe.

It’s funny to me that the first person I think I’ve truly fallen for is someone who has told me I’m not pretty, has questioned my talents and has intentionally never introduced me to his other circles of friends.

I know it could be worse. I need everyone to know that. Or maybe I need to know that. I was watching that Oprah giveaway yesterday and a woman on there had tragically lost her husband – he was shot while at work. A friend of mine got married, then pregnant and her husband turned into (or perhaps she realized he was) a total loser. Women are murdered by the men they love. Another friend’s boyfriend of years and years, the one she was planning her happily ever after with, who she vacationed with, spent holidays with, told her he just didn’t love her anymore and walked away. Oh, boy could I go on and this is just in the love category.

I just met a boy. He said some great things. He also treated me worse than I've ever been treated. I fell anyway. And he didn’t fall back. He fell ahead. Right into someone else. Leaving me to pick myself up. On my own.

What’s a girl to do? Stay friends and just get over it. Never talk to him again. Run. Run fast. Keep obsessing, wishing. Give and not get. Stay hopeful. Listen to more sad songs. Realize what I deserve, hurt for awhile and move on. Keep writing until I figure it out.

I don’t know.

There will come a day when I will read this and roll my eyes. Wish I could just fast forward.

UGH. Stupid boy.

His Words

There's a part of me that thinks it's completely evil to share this with you, since it's stuff he's written for my eyes but now it's mine and it belongs to me so sharing is what I choose to do. And perhaps I just want you to see firsthand what it is I'm dealing with.

****

Last night around 11:30ish I got a text that said, "Hey! I’ll hit you up tomorrow. We are having our first sleepover. Is that TMI?”

I didn't respond.

Then, this morning I read this e-mail he had sent about an hour before the text (the subject was "random thoughts")

-I like girls who like me back. No point fighting the others too hard J Been there, done that, time has passed. I got extremely “lucky” this time. Also, surprised I haven’t screwed this up yet even though I caused sour note over the weekend. I’m very surprised I haven’t disappeared into the awesomeness of our little universe and that I still have kept in touch with everyone else.
-I had a party at my house Sunday and didn’t care that they turned my downstairs into a pig pen. And I got pissed that ½ the people who said they would be there didn’t show up (the golden rule?) But then some unexpected people showed up and filled out the original quota even though I didn’t get the caterer like I had planned. (NOTE: I wasn't invited)
-I think I can learn more about a person by sleeping beside them than in hours of conversation. And some people just fit together like a puzzle and it’s for good reason
-I’m afraid of you when you don’t talk or hold things back. But oddly intrigued by it and wondering what is in that head of yours.
-I think I would take back my “never going on a vacation with you” statement from a few months ago on one or two conditions of a not to be spoken nature. I think we would have fun and we obviously wouldn’t lack for conversation. Until you pissed me off or vice versa. I am really happy we seem to have found our friendship groove however and you have stopped calling me “Friend” in that stupid, silly way that you do J
-I am curious what your statement “I find a lot of things about you endearing, yada, yada, things you like least about yourself” relates to.
-I hope you know I find you insanely fascinating. Your facebook story about the list of things you said you wanted to do in the past year sooo made me want to read it. And if not for Julie, I would have totally been your Valentine if for no other reason than just to be nice and help you cross something off your list.

****

What's a girl to do? I sure like what law student hot mama said in my last post.

I have major love for you girls!

The girls I know

Shall we discuss the girls that help us along?


I could talk about them every single day. I could talk about boys everyday, too but I have to remember that one of my 2008 Ways of Improving My Life is to get rid of the boys and find me a man ...


Okay, I digress.


I'm in the midst of an odd kind of heartscratch. It's not a break - it wasn't serious enough for that. But, it was unexpectantly expected. I know, strange. But it hurts. A lot. As nearly every matter of the heart like this does. I'll talk about that another day though, friends.


I want to talk about the girls who are by my side through this situation that I should have ran like hell from months ago. I'm walking away slowly now and they are kindly helping ... okay, pulling me along. You know what's funny? All of the girls I'll mention know me so incredibly well. They've been around through the process of this madness and they just listened, gave advice I ignored yet listened still. And though they saw this coming, next to me they still stand.

Two are from work and they sent me e-mails during the day holding words of encouragement and promising chocolate milkshakes and cheese sticks on Wednesday. I've known them a short time but we must be kindred spirits. My best friend from back in Chicago, who is getting married in less than ONE MONTH called me out on every lie and then reminded me of all the great things in my life ... like her of course.

And then, there's my blood. My sisters. My life. I've got a big one and little one. They are quite different but the message is the same: Filled with so much love that it takes care of and replenishes an empty heart.


Because of these women, I'll find what I need to find and then ... because of me, I'll be okay.


Boy are still stupid.


Who are your girls? I sure hope you got yourself a good stable of 'em because I sure don't know who I'd be without them!!

The games we play

So, over the weekend I went out with a "friend" Without getting into the whole history right now, let's just say he is not just a friend. He should be more, he could be more, he would be more but he just isn't. It's friends we are. Ugh.

Anyway, we had Friday off so we decided to go out in the middle of the day. I knew he had some kind of plans for the evening but he wouldn't say what they were. I'm a smart girl so let's be honest, he didn't need to. But anyway, he chose to be mysterious. Fine. Go ahead. Little does he know that he's about as mysterious as a tween girl's obsession with High School Musical.

Moving on.

We met at his place. Before you get any ideas, friends, I was there for all of 15 minutes. Someone please tell me why he had his "evening" clothes laying on the chair in the LIVING ROOM!?!? I hate games. I don't know what he was trying to prove. I got it, you have a hot date after our "friend time". Whatever. I'm a girl. An emotional one at that. And, like I said, I hate games. But my initial reaction was, thankfully, held at bay. I wanted to go biserck and use all sorts of colorful language about how he was such an ass. Instead, I said, "ooo, going somewhere fancy?" and when he didn't respond I just laughed to myself, yet loud enough for him to hear, and told him I liked his choice of clothes.

We went out. We had a decent time. It was far different from out last get together but fun nonethless. At least I thought. He continued this supposed mystery and before I left, you know, so he could get ready for his big event I said, "Just be sure to be cute and charming" smiled, more like smirked, and walked right out.

I guess I have no choice but to play along.

Stupid games. Stupid boy.

Why do you play? Do you always have to? I don't think I'll ever quite get it. But what's my option ... either I'm in or he's going out to find a new scrabble partner. For now, it works. But I tell you, friends, there will come a day when it isn't worth it. The game will be over even though there may be turns left. You definitely can't give it everything you have because then you have nothing left.
And you sure as hell don't want to lose.