Dear friend,
I realize if I actually promise something, I may follow through. Perhaps that's the key to my last blog post ... so, because I promised that you'd have something to read on my blog by six this evening (though it's really going to be more like seven!), here is my entry.
By the way, I am lucky to have you for a friend.
Dear sis (and blogless little sis),
Thank you for my 29th birthday gift ... a do-it-yourself memoir. Lord knows I needed the help to get going ...
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Monday, June 7, 2010
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Why I'm not a Godmother ...
I have this friend. I use that term loosely. You see, once upon a time, I considered her a BEST friend - that kind of friend who you would trust with every secret, every promise, every sin ... everything.
You know how life is ... people change. Sometimes you firmly believe that there are bonds so strong that nothing will get in the way. That's what I thought about me and her. I figured our bond was unbreakable. But, apparently, it wasn't.
We've had a roller coaster of a friendship and there are so many things that I could share to explain it but in one of our many ups and downs, we had a conversation where she told me why I wasn't her son's Godmother. See, I was supposed to be. I knew that. But when she told me who would be, I didn't flinch when it wasn't me. It wasn't a surprise because we weren't currently super tight - this happened three years ago with her first child, too.
For whatever reason, during a 5 hour conversation, she told me why I wasn't. Okay. Thanks. Here it is ...
I voted for someone she didn't. Who you vote for, according to her, shapes and tells everything about you. And she was disgusted by my choice. I wasn't the same person anymore, she said. I was different. The way she emphasized that word I knew she thought it was all horrific. Apparently I was less of a Christian now, too. And I have gay friends. God forbid I socialize with such repulsive sinners. And I make poor choices and my morals and values are just different (again, read "bad") than hers. She doesn't want her child to be like me.
She went on. And on. I said nothing. Finally, after what seemed like eternity, though it couldn't have been more than ten minutes. She just stopped. She said, "well, can you say something?"
I cannot tell you how much this hurt. When someone you think loves you unconditionally has the capacity to say such things, it doesn't matter how ludicrous it might seem, it tears you apart.
What gets me most is she failed to focus on things that have changed that are good ... it's been several weeks and we have not spoken. I can't bring myself to do it. No matter what I say, I will be wrong. Because I'm different. Because I've changed. Apparently for the worse.
I know it isn't true. But it just kind of sucks.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Damn that Cinderella.
Before the boy ... well, well over a year ago ... where the text came from ...
It was a ticket I never paid. Back in Chicago. I had forgotten about it. I packed up my boxes - ticket enclosed in some box, somewhere ... I figured I'd get to it at some point.
He beat me to it. I got a call from some bill collector. I had moved to Nashville three days before and was driving around getting a feel for my new, wonderful surroundings. My new life.
My ticket was turned into some collection agency and some guy, MM, just happened to have my name cross his desk. He called. My world was changed.
He was a total jerk within the first few moments. I suppose it's a tactic that works - but I am fiesty. I told him off, then realized I was lost. Wouldn't you just know it that this man used to live in Nashville. So, from his chair in the south suburbs of Chicago (mere minutes from where I just moved from), he told me how to unlose myself. I got back on the right track. Little did I know that some form of the word lost would come up again. And again. And again.
Now, it would only be me who'd start talking to some random person, quickly strike up a friendship and fall fast and hard. But, it happened. There is very little I'd change about the situation ... I take that back. I'd never get as lost in the idea like I did. Though it was lovely, ridiculous, perfect. It made me feel good.
Or, rather simply, it made me feel.
We started to find reasons to call. Like, you know, I wouldn't pay when I said I would. (stupid, I know). And then, it turned into talking just because. Then it was every day. It was about the little things, the big things. It was about life, fears, hopes, the future. Oh, and we flirted. A LOT. Some people thought I was silly. Other friends would ask every day what the newest MM news was and couldn't wait to hear. I had a smile on my face that couldn't be changed. He had that kind of voice that with the start of a "hello" could send chills to every part of my skin. He was smooth, funny, intelligent and the kind of smart that you get when you choose to learn from what life offers. I was entirely lost in this man and whatever hope he stood for. He seemed to "get me" like no one else could. I knew that it may not turn out the way I wanted, but in those moment, I wanted to become the very best version of myself. Not for him. Just because.
He wanted to visit but I was too scared. Because of my "secret." Here I was on the journey of a better me - I was done hiding behind the weight of difficult years, sadness and the inability to cope with a difficult past. The last thing I wanted was for someone to meet me, take one look and despite whatever relationship was created, walk away and pretend I didn't even exist. I wanted someone - him - to accept me for who I was at that moment, who I had been before, and for the person I had yet to become.
I never even got to that point.
One fateful day (that I think I always knew was coming) he stopped calling. Stopped texting. Stopped communicating. He, apparently, got lost.
Damn Cinderella stories. I wanted a happy ending.
And, boy, did it hurt. I guess the signs were there. He was just getting out of a 2 year relationship with a woman he was still living with. I still don't have his reasoning. I'm assuming it has something to do with that. That I was some fill-in fun. Some random, faceless girl who meant not enough to matter.
Yeah, sometimes I'm that stupid. But, I was coming off a rough year where there was way too much self-realization. Too much loneliness and emptiness. A few broken relationships - I was ready for my big change. And how perfect it would be that amidst my life overhaul, I'd find someone good. What I thought was really good.
So, that's where the text came from. We stopped talking just before Chrismtas '07 and then, nearly a year later, I get a text in the middle of the night. It said he was in town. He did it because he thought I'd "get a kick out of that."
No, not so much.
The same girls that had listened to every last story of MM with earnest ears, took me out for a milkshake that day. Thank God, yet again, for friends.
Oh, and in case you're wondering. Yeah, I responded. But I guess he just wanted to say enough to resurrect the dead. It's just taking a while to put it back to rest.
And yeah, I do have a great guy. The best. It just sucks when old ones decide to find their way back ...
It was a ticket I never paid. Back in Chicago. I had forgotten about it. I packed up my boxes - ticket enclosed in some box, somewhere ... I figured I'd get to it at some point.
He beat me to it. I got a call from some bill collector. I had moved to Nashville three days before and was driving around getting a feel for my new, wonderful surroundings. My new life.
My ticket was turned into some collection agency and some guy, MM, just happened to have my name cross his desk. He called. My world was changed.
He was a total jerk within the first few moments. I suppose it's a tactic that works - but I am fiesty. I told him off, then realized I was lost. Wouldn't you just know it that this man used to live in Nashville. So, from his chair in the south suburbs of Chicago (mere minutes from where I just moved from), he told me how to unlose myself. I got back on the right track. Little did I know that some form of the word lost would come up again. And again. And again.
Now, it would only be me who'd start talking to some random person, quickly strike up a friendship and fall fast and hard. But, it happened. There is very little I'd change about the situation ... I take that back. I'd never get as lost in the idea like I did. Though it was lovely, ridiculous, perfect. It made me feel good.
Or, rather simply, it made me feel.
We started to find reasons to call. Like, you know, I wouldn't pay when I said I would. (stupid, I know). And then, it turned into talking just because. Then it was every day. It was about the little things, the big things. It was about life, fears, hopes, the future. Oh, and we flirted. A LOT. Some people thought I was silly. Other friends would ask every day what the newest MM news was and couldn't wait to hear. I had a smile on my face that couldn't be changed. He had that kind of voice that with the start of a "hello" could send chills to every part of my skin. He was smooth, funny, intelligent and the kind of smart that you get when you choose to learn from what life offers. I was entirely lost in this man and whatever hope he stood for. He seemed to "get me" like no one else could. I knew that it may not turn out the way I wanted, but in those moment, I wanted to become the very best version of myself. Not for him. Just because.
He wanted to visit but I was too scared. Because of my "secret." Here I was on the journey of a better me - I was done hiding behind the weight of difficult years, sadness and the inability to cope with a difficult past. The last thing I wanted was for someone to meet me, take one look and despite whatever relationship was created, walk away and pretend I didn't even exist. I wanted someone - him - to accept me for who I was at that moment, who I had been before, and for the person I had yet to become.
I never even got to that point.
One fateful day (that I think I always knew was coming) he stopped calling. Stopped texting. Stopped communicating. He, apparently, got lost.
Damn Cinderella stories. I wanted a happy ending.
And, boy, did it hurt. I guess the signs were there. He was just getting out of a 2 year relationship with a woman he was still living with. I still don't have his reasoning. I'm assuming it has something to do with that. That I was some fill-in fun. Some random, faceless girl who meant not enough to matter.
Yeah, sometimes I'm that stupid. But, I was coming off a rough year where there was way too much self-realization. Too much loneliness and emptiness. A few broken relationships - I was ready for my big change. And how perfect it would be that amidst my life overhaul, I'd find someone good. What I thought was really good.
So, that's where the text came from. We stopped talking just before Chrismtas '07 and then, nearly a year later, I get a text in the middle of the night. It said he was in town. He did it because he thought I'd "get a kick out of that."
No, not so much.
The same girls that had listened to every last story of MM with earnest ears, took me out for a milkshake that day. Thank God, yet again, for friends.
Oh, and in case you're wondering. Yeah, I responded. But I guess he just wanted to say enough to resurrect the dead. It's just taking a while to put it back to rest.
And yeah, I do have a great guy. The best. It just sucks when old ones decide to find their way back ...
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Headin' out on the town ...
My boy best friend (BoyBF) is in town. We've spent the last 5 days hanging out, experiencing the city, being absolutely ridiculous. Oh man ... we even saw Michael Buble in concert. Super hot. I highly recommend him. Just looking at him, even. Well, and maybe even listening to him sing.
BoyBF offers such a much needed perspective, as all my dear friends do. We haven't spent actual time together since April so it's almost been a year. We use to spend every day together (yay for our old job!) so the changes in me have been very apparent to him.
Ugh.
Let's just say that on Wednesday alone there were three different moments where I cried.
Oh, this healing process ... what a freakin' journey.
The best part though is that we laugh and laugh and laugh. Not that I haven't been laughing, I mean, I'm not that far gone. It's just good to laugh with an old friend, reminisce about old times all while making new memories.
So far we've gotten lost in my new city, saw an amazing up and coming singer, BoyBF became a karaoke sensation last night, and we managed to dodge a verbal altercation with some way too drunken man at the bar.
Good times, great friend. BoyBF is so awesome. He just played me a song with the line: "If there's one thing that I know, with a million miles to go, nobody, no one can take away my song".
Tonight we're hitting the town again. Somewhere in this mind of mine are thoughts I'd rather not admit to. Oh, boy oh boy, it's time for pre drinks.
What's a girl got to do? grab a lowcut shirt and a LARGE glass of wine! :) haha ...
BoyBF offers such a much needed perspective, as all my dear friends do. We haven't spent actual time together since April so it's almost been a year. We use to spend every day together (yay for our old job!) so the changes in me have been very apparent to him.
Ugh.
Let's just say that on Wednesday alone there were three different moments where I cried.
Oh, this healing process ... what a freakin' journey.
The best part though is that we laugh and laugh and laugh. Not that I haven't been laughing, I mean, I'm not that far gone. It's just good to laugh with an old friend, reminisce about old times all while making new memories.
So far we've gotten lost in my new city, saw an amazing up and coming singer, BoyBF became a karaoke sensation last night, and we managed to dodge a verbal altercation with some way too drunken man at the bar.
Good times, great friend. BoyBF is so awesome. He just played me a song with the line: "If there's one thing that I know, with a million miles to go, nobody, no one can take away my song".
Tonight we're hitting the town again. Somewhere in this mind of mine are thoughts I'd rather not admit to. Oh, boy oh boy, it's time for pre drinks.
What's a girl got to do? grab a lowcut shirt and a LARGE glass of wine! :) haha ...
Monday, March 10, 2008
breathing ...
Whew.
Okay. Here I am! Still breathing.
The tv is still on when I go to bed at night.
We still talk - in fact, I think the friendship part of it is the best it's been.
On the surface. Because I'm still sorta, kinda dying inside.
He thinks I've been indifferent lately; he can't figure me out. Does he really not know. What does a girl say, "Um, well see, I'm not indifferent. I'm just heartbroken ... because of you ... duh."
SB is still very much so stupid boy.
I think maybe I'm just weening myself off. That's what my sister said (she is so my saving grace).
Just living day to day and taking care of me is what I'm doing right now. I'm trying to focus less on him and what's gone on and more on me and what I need to do.
I think it's working.
It still sucks. But writing has helped. Talking has helped.
Heartbreak is not fun. Oddly, though, I suppose I can look at it as if I'm lucky I can experience such emotion. Although I'm not quite sure if I believe this in this very moment but I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.
Indifferent is a way I'll never feel. Even if I might wish I could.
As for the rest of life ... one of my best guy friends is coming to town (don't get any ideas!!!) tomorrow and I'm so excited. I haven't really seen him since the move in July. I'm sure we'll fill the visit up with our old crazy antics. And again, another blessing because it's exactly what I need. God sure is good.
I suppose this will be a series ... what's a girl to do to get over a heartbreak? Connect with dear friends, breathe, and drink lots of water.
Okay. Here I am! Still breathing.
The tv is still on when I go to bed at night.
We still talk - in fact, I think the friendship part of it is the best it's been.
On the surface. Because I'm still sorta, kinda dying inside.
He thinks I've been indifferent lately; he can't figure me out. Does he really not know. What does a girl say, "Um, well see, I'm not indifferent. I'm just heartbroken ... because of you ... duh."
SB is still very much so stupid boy.
I think maybe I'm just weening myself off. That's what my sister said (she is so my saving grace).
Just living day to day and taking care of me is what I'm doing right now. I'm trying to focus less on him and what's gone on and more on me and what I need to do.
I think it's working.
It still sucks. But writing has helped. Talking has helped.
Heartbreak is not fun. Oddly, though, I suppose I can look at it as if I'm lucky I can experience such emotion. Although I'm not quite sure if I believe this in this very moment but I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.
Indifferent is a way I'll never feel. Even if I might wish I could.
As for the rest of life ... one of my best guy friends is coming to town (don't get any ideas!!!) tomorrow and I'm so excited. I haven't really seen him since the move in July. I'm sure we'll fill the visit up with our old crazy antics. And again, another blessing because it's exactly what I need. God sure is good.
I suppose this will be a series ... what's a girl to do to get over a heartbreak? Connect with dear friends, breathe, and drink lots of water.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
To my blogging friends ...
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You rock my blogging (and real) world!
You know, it was my sister who talked me into writing a blog. I wonder if she knew what was in store for me. She is absolutely amazing when it comes to helping me heal, or listening, or giving advice, or laughing with me. She's the best. I can't thank her enough for encouraging me to write. How necessary it's been.
This is my therapy.
By your comments and the fact that you're reading this, I feel like I have best friends, shoulders to lean on, tissues to use, slices of chocolate cake, and many, many bottles of wine. Your stories, especially of love winning in the end, are so incredibly helpful and I appreciate all that you have shared with me.
I don't know what I'd do without all of you ... I mean that. I can't wait to read up on everyone's blogs - especially my new friends who've offered their support, thanks to Laskigal. It'll be like hanging out with my girlfriends as I read your happenings.
I'm going to take a few days off of talking about SB. I have to be honest, I know it isn't over - the talking it out part. But I think I might focus on something else because my life is so much more than this.
Oh, and Laskigal. Do you need a kidney? You can have mine.
Love, rjtrue
You know, it was my sister who talked me into writing a blog. I wonder if she knew what was in store for me. She is absolutely amazing when it comes to helping me heal, or listening, or giving advice, or laughing with me. She's the best. I can't thank her enough for encouraging me to write. How necessary it's been.
This is my therapy.
By your comments and the fact that you're reading this, I feel like I have best friends, shoulders to lean on, tissues to use, slices of chocolate cake, and many, many bottles of wine. Your stories, especially of love winning in the end, are so incredibly helpful and I appreciate all that you have shared with me.
I don't know what I'd do without all of you ... I mean that. I can't wait to read up on everyone's blogs - especially my new friends who've offered their support, thanks to Laskigal. It'll be like hanging out with my girlfriends as I read your happenings.
I'm going to take a few days off of talking about SB. I have to be honest, I know it isn't over - the talking it out part. But I think I might focus on something else because my life is so much more than this.
Oh, and Laskigal. Do you need a kidney? You can have mine.
Love, rjtrue
Thursday, January 31, 2008
What She Said
I love, love, LOVE coffee. I realize that I pay far too much for it but you know what? I don't care. Nope, I don't. Not one bit. I don't necessarily have a favorite place (though I do frequent Starbucks). It just needs to be ridiculously pricey and have a spot where I can sit by myself or with a good friend or two.
That's what I did the other day. A girlfriend of mine and I decided to head to the local Starbucks after work. We sat for a while and talked about politics, life, friends, religion, work, and drama. I've known her less than six months and from the beginning she has had this strange insight into who I am. It's not like she has my every move pegged or each thought figured out ... she just gets me and I appreciate her more than words can say.
Well, as you know from reading my life, things have been a little harried for me. Friend knows all about them, too. We talked a moment about that, of course. But it was something she said that had nothing to do with anything that struck me the most. It gave me the little bit of the resuscitation that I needed. I think it had to do with WHAT she said as much as it was simply that SHE said it.
She was talking about a friend of hers that she'd grown up with and said, "She's the coolest girl ... you'd love her."
And the light turned on.
I'm not that girl. My friends, new and old, probably wouldn't describe me that way anymore. They would have. They did. They'd say so many wonderful things about me. They have not changed. Our relationships haven't gone to the wayside. I am just different. I am not the person I once was. I think it's a funk. Just a phase. But it feels never-ending.
I'm not a lost cause. It's not so bad that no one wants to hang around me. I'm just not as fun. As exciting. As sparkly. I'm not as cool as I used to be. I'm just okay now but I'm not okay.
:(
What a girl's got to do when she loses herself? Find her. Hug her. And bring her home.
That's what I did the other day. A girlfriend of mine and I decided to head to the local Starbucks after work. We sat for a while and talked about politics, life, friends, religion, work, and drama. I've known her less than six months and from the beginning she has had this strange insight into who I am. It's not like she has my every move pegged or each thought figured out ... she just gets me and I appreciate her more than words can say.
Well, as you know from reading my life, things have been a little harried for me. Friend knows all about them, too. We talked a moment about that, of course. But it was something she said that had nothing to do with anything that struck me the most. It gave me the little bit of the resuscitation that I needed. I think it had to do with WHAT she said as much as it was simply that SHE said it.
She was talking about a friend of hers that she'd grown up with and said, "She's the coolest girl ... you'd love her."
And the light turned on.
I'm not that girl. My friends, new and old, probably wouldn't describe me that way anymore. They would have. They did. They'd say so many wonderful things about me. They have not changed. Our relationships haven't gone to the wayside. I am just different. I am not the person I once was. I think it's a funk. Just a phase. But it feels never-ending.
I'm not a lost cause. It's not so bad that no one wants to hang around me. I'm just not as fun. As exciting. As sparkly. I'm not as cool as I used to be. I'm just okay now but I'm not okay.
:(
What a girl's got to do when she loses herself? Find her. Hug her. And bring her home.
Monday, January 14, 2008
The girls I know
Shall we discuss the girls that help us along?
I could talk about them every single day. I could talk about boys everyday, too but I have to remember that one of my 2008 Ways of Improving My Life is to get rid of the boys and find me a man ...
Okay, I digress.
I'm in the midst of an odd kind of heartscratch. It's not a break - it wasn't serious enough for that. But, it was unexpectantly expected. I know, strange. But it hurts. A lot. As nearly every matter of the heart like this does. I'll talk about that another day though, friends.
I want to talk about the girls who are by my side through this situation that I should have ran like hell from months ago. I'm walking away slowly now and they are kindly helping ... okay, pulling me along. You know what's funny? All of the girls I'll mention know me so incredibly well. They've been around through the process of this madness and they just listened, gave advice I ignored yet listened still. And though they saw this coming, next to me they still stand.
Two are from work and they sent me e-mails during the day holding words of encouragement and promising chocolate milkshakes and cheese sticks on Wednesday. I've known them a short time but we must be kindred spirits. My best friend from back in Chicago, who is getting married in less than ONE MONTH called me out on every lie and then reminded me of all the great things in my life ... like her of course.
And then, there's my blood. My sisters. My life. I've got a big one and little one. They are quite different but the message is the same: Filled with so much love that it takes care of and replenishes an empty heart.
Because of these women, I'll find what I need to find and then ... because of me, I'll be okay.
Boy are still stupid.
Who are your girls? I sure hope you got yourself a good stable of 'em because I sure don't know who I'd be without them!!
I could talk about them every single day. I could talk about boys everyday, too but I have to remember that one of my 2008 Ways of Improving My Life is to get rid of the boys and find me a man ...
Okay, I digress.
I'm in the midst of an odd kind of heartscratch. It's not a break - it wasn't serious enough for that. But, it was unexpectantly expected. I know, strange. But it hurts. A lot. As nearly every matter of the heart like this does. I'll talk about that another day though, friends.
I want to talk about the girls who are by my side through this situation that I should have ran like hell from months ago. I'm walking away slowly now and they are kindly helping ... okay, pulling me along. You know what's funny? All of the girls I'll mention know me so incredibly well. They've been around through the process of this madness and they just listened, gave advice I ignored yet listened still. And though they saw this coming, next to me they still stand.
Two are from work and they sent me e-mails during the day holding words of encouragement and promising chocolate milkshakes and cheese sticks on Wednesday. I've known them a short time but we must be kindred spirits. My best friend from back in Chicago, who is getting married in less than ONE MONTH called me out on every lie and then reminded me of all the great things in my life ... like her of course.
And then, there's my blood. My sisters. My life. I've got a big one and little one. They are quite different but the message is the same: Filled with so much love that it takes care of and replenishes an empty heart.
Because of these women, I'll find what I need to find and then ... because of me, I'll be okay.
Boy are still stupid.
Who are your girls? I sure hope you got yourself a good stable of 'em because I sure don't know who I'd be without them!!
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