I wrote this back in August and just re-read the draft. Things have definitely changed in a matter of months ...
___________________
Do you ever have a line from a song that runs through your head? Over and over and over?
Lately, it's been ... "something something big green tractor", mixed with a little of "when the one you're looking for has been here the whole time" No real significance - just country songs that are overplayed yet still enjoyable.
Then there's this one more ... it's one line on constant repeat in my mind. Since the end of my summer, the start of work. The beginning of many changes.
"I'm feeling a little lonely"
It's strange though because things are really so good. I'm running the whole theatre program, my friends are phenomenal, my family rocks, the boy's wonderful ...
But, somehow I'm so lonely.
And empty.
And unhappy.
Showing posts with label Fixing me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fixing me. Show all posts
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
what's a girl got to do?
I have no idea ...
I have been reading and thinking and writing and reading and thinking and writing. All I know is that I feel like my life is good. Really, really good but I have not fully appreciated it.
And why? Because I'm too caught up in hanging onto something I probably need to be without. I've put a lot of faith and hope into it. Faith and hope I should have been putting into me.
And all this time is going by and here I am sort of sitting on the sidelines. Of my own life.
I have been reading and thinking and writing and reading and thinking and writing. All I know is that I feel like my life is good. Really, really good but I have not fully appreciated it.
And why? Because I'm too caught up in hanging onto something I probably need to be without. I've put a lot of faith and hope into it. Faith and hope I should have been putting into me.
And all this time is going by and here I am sort of sitting on the sidelines. Of my own life.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The Art of Being Happy
I wish I was 5 years old again, holding on to my dad's pinky finger. We'd go across the big main street a block away and visit the amazing, beautiful, peaceful place we simply called, "The Trees."
It was magical. Weeping willows fell low enough to grab on, hold tight and swing - without a care in the world. Weeping ... willow. At 5, why would I bother pondering the name this lovely tree was given? The tree that still holds some of my favorite childhood memories. She couldn't be sad ... she made me so happy.
It was so easy then. That was before my ears knew that mouths could spur loud and hateful words. It was before I knew what hurt was and what pain felt like. I lived and breathed happy. Little did I know the weeping that was occuring and the weeping that would come.
Happiness came with such ease. And even more so, with such acceptance. I didn't fight happy. It was there. We were one. Little girl ... with blue eyes and only innocent tears, dreams yet to be dreamt, long brown hair left untouched, a creative mind only beginning its journey.
I can't be her anymore. Being happy has become an art form. At least right now. It seems unnatural but surely not unwanted. No, I don't spend my days moping around. Life is okay. But, I've hit another brick wall. No, I didn't hit it. I ran, top speed staring straight into it and decided not to stop. Happy is sitting beside me, holding me tightly and I just want to push it away. Give me the weeping. Not the willow.
I didn't think this would be so difficult, but it is. If I'm really honest with myself, which I'd definitely rather not be, I'd know it's not about any one, it's not about any thing, it's me. 100% me.
It was magical. Weeping willows fell low enough to grab on, hold tight and swing - without a care in the world. Weeping ... willow. At 5, why would I bother pondering the name this lovely tree was given? The tree that still holds some of my favorite childhood memories. She couldn't be sad ... she made me so happy.
It was so easy then. That was before my ears knew that mouths could spur loud and hateful words. It was before I knew what hurt was and what pain felt like. I lived and breathed happy. Little did I know the weeping that was occuring and the weeping that would come.
Happiness came with such ease. And even more so, with such acceptance. I didn't fight happy. It was there. We were one. Little girl ... with blue eyes and only innocent tears, dreams yet to be dreamt, long brown hair left untouched, a creative mind only beginning its journey.
I can't be her anymore. Being happy has become an art form. At least right now. It seems unnatural but surely not unwanted. No, I don't spend my days moping around. Life is okay. But, I've hit another brick wall. No, I didn't hit it. I ran, top speed staring straight into it and decided not to stop. Happy is sitting beside me, holding me tightly and I just want to push it away. Give me the weeping. Not the willow.
I didn't think this would be so difficult, but it is. If I'm really honest with myself, which I'd definitely rather not be, I'd know it's not about any one, it's not about any thing, it's me. 100% me.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Damn that Cinderella.
Before the boy ... well, well over a year ago ... where the text came from ...
It was a ticket I never paid. Back in Chicago. I had forgotten about it. I packed up my boxes - ticket enclosed in some box, somewhere ... I figured I'd get to it at some point.
He beat me to it. I got a call from some bill collector. I had moved to Nashville three days before and was driving around getting a feel for my new, wonderful surroundings. My new life.
My ticket was turned into some collection agency and some guy, MM, just happened to have my name cross his desk. He called. My world was changed.
He was a total jerk within the first few moments. I suppose it's a tactic that works - but I am fiesty. I told him off, then realized I was lost. Wouldn't you just know it that this man used to live in Nashville. So, from his chair in the south suburbs of Chicago (mere minutes from where I just moved from), he told me how to unlose myself. I got back on the right track. Little did I know that some form of the word lost would come up again. And again. And again.
Now, it would only be me who'd start talking to some random person, quickly strike up a friendship and fall fast and hard. But, it happened. There is very little I'd change about the situation ... I take that back. I'd never get as lost in the idea like I did. Though it was lovely, ridiculous, perfect. It made me feel good.
Or, rather simply, it made me feel.
We started to find reasons to call. Like, you know, I wouldn't pay when I said I would. (stupid, I know). And then, it turned into talking just because. Then it was every day. It was about the little things, the big things. It was about life, fears, hopes, the future. Oh, and we flirted. A LOT. Some people thought I was silly. Other friends would ask every day what the newest MM news was and couldn't wait to hear. I had a smile on my face that couldn't be changed. He had that kind of voice that with the start of a "hello" could send chills to every part of my skin. He was smooth, funny, intelligent and the kind of smart that you get when you choose to learn from what life offers. I was entirely lost in this man and whatever hope he stood for. He seemed to "get me" like no one else could. I knew that it may not turn out the way I wanted, but in those moment, I wanted to become the very best version of myself. Not for him. Just because.
He wanted to visit but I was too scared. Because of my "secret." Here I was on the journey of a better me - I was done hiding behind the weight of difficult years, sadness and the inability to cope with a difficult past. The last thing I wanted was for someone to meet me, take one look and despite whatever relationship was created, walk away and pretend I didn't even exist. I wanted someone - him - to accept me for who I was at that moment, who I had been before, and for the person I had yet to become.
I never even got to that point.
One fateful day (that I think I always knew was coming) he stopped calling. Stopped texting. Stopped communicating. He, apparently, got lost.
Damn Cinderella stories. I wanted a happy ending.
And, boy, did it hurt. I guess the signs were there. He was just getting out of a 2 year relationship with a woman he was still living with. I still don't have his reasoning. I'm assuming it has something to do with that. That I was some fill-in fun. Some random, faceless girl who meant not enough to matter.
Yeah, sometimes I'm that stupid. But, I was coming off a rough year where there was way too much self-realization. Too much loneliness and emptiness. A few broken relationships - I was ready for my big change. And how perfect it would be that amidst my life overhaul, I'd find someone good. What I thought was really good.
So, that's where the text came from. We stopped talking just before Chrismtas '07 and then, nearly a year later, I get a text in the middle of the night. It said he was in town. He did it because he thought I'd "get a kick out of that."
No, not so much.
The same girls that had listened to every last story of MM with earnest ears, took me out for a milkshake that day. Thank God, yet again, for friends.
Oh, and in case you're wondering. Yeah, I responded. But I guess he just wanted to say enough to resurrect the dead. It's just taking a while to put it back to rest.
And yeah, I do have a great guy. The best. It just sucks when old ones decide to find their way back ...
It was a ticket I never paid. Back in Chicago. I had forgotten about it. I packed up my boxes - ticket enclosed in some box, somewhere ... I figured I'd get to it at some point.
He beat me to it. I got a call from some bill collector. I had moved to Nashville three days before and was driving around getting a feel for my new, wonderful surroundings. My new life.
My ticket was turned into some collection agency and some guy, MM, just happened to have my name cross his desk. He called. My world was changed.
He was a total jerk within the first few moments. I suppose it's a tactic that works - but I am fiesty. I told him off, then realized I was lost. Wouldn't you just know it that this man used to live in Nashville. So, from his chair in the south suburbs of Chicago (mere minutes from where I just moved from), he told me how to unlose myself. I got back on the right track. Little did I know that some form of the word lost would come up again. And again. And again.
Now, it would only be me who'd start talking to some random person, quickly strike up a friendship and fall fast and hard. But, it happened. There is very little I'd change about the situation ... I take that back. I'd never get as lost in the idea like I did. Though it was lovely, ridiculous, perfect. It made me feel good.
Or, rather simply, it made me feel.
We started to find reasons to call. Like, you know, I wouldn't pay when I said I would. (stupid, I know). And then, it turned into talking just because. Then it was every day. It was about the little things, the big things. It was about life, fears, hopes, the future. Oh, and we flirted. A LOT. Some people thought I was silly. Other friends would ask every day what the newest MM news was and couldn't wait to hear. I had a smile on my face that couldn't be changed. He had that kind of voice that with the start of a "hello" could send chills to every part of my skin. He was smooth, funny, intelligent and the kind of smart that you get when you choose to learn from what life offers. I was entirely lost in this man and whatever hope he stood for. He seemed to "get me" like no one else could. I knew that it may not turn out the way I wanted, but in those moment, I wanted to become the very best version of myself. Not for him. Just because.
He wanted to visit but I was too scared. Because of my "secret." Here I was on the journey of a better me - I was done hiding behind the weight of difficult years, sadness and the inability to cope with a difficult past. The last thing I wanted was for someone to meet me, take one look and despite whatever relationship was created, walk away and pretend I didn't even exist. I wanted someone - him - to accept me for who I was at that moment, who I had been before, and for the person I had yet to become.
I never even got to that point.
One fateful day (that I think I always knew was coming) he stopped calling. Stopped texting. Stopped communicating. He, apparently, got lost.
Damn Cinderella stories. I wanted a happy ending.
And, boy, did it hurt. I guess the signs were there. He was just getting out of a 2 year relationship with a woman he was still living with. I still don't have his reasoning. I'm assuming it has something to do with that. That I was some fill-in fun. Some random, faceless girl who meant not enough to matter.
Yeah, sometimes I'm that stupid. But, I was coming off a rough year where there was way too much self-realization. Too much loneliness and emptiness. A few broken relationships - I was ready for my big change. And how perfect it would be that amidst my life overhaul, I'd find someone good. What I thought was really good.
So, that's where the text came from. We stopped talking just before Chrismtas '07 and then, nearly a year later, I get a text in the middle of the night. It said he was in town. He did it because he thought I'd "get a kick out of that."
No, not so much.
The same girls that had listened to every last story of MM with earnest ears, took me out for a milkshake that day. Thank God, yet again, for friends.
Oh, and in case you're wondering. Yeah, I responded. But I guess he just wanted to say enough to resurrect the dead. It's just taking a while to put it back to rest.
And yeah, I do have a great guy. The best. It just sucks when old ones decide to find their way back ...
Monday, August 25, 2008
One word.
Do you ever wonder why someone has found the need to tell you something? Why the information that has been given to them they feel they should bless upon you? Or, in this case, curse …
Because that is what I’m dealing with right now. No, not dealing … suffering.
And now I just want to scream and yell until my throat is raw and dry: “WHY DID YOU TELL ME?”
Some things surely are better left unsaid. This was at the top of that list.
I love this man, don’t get me wrong, but my mind has recorded this word and it plays it over and over. If I’m walking down the stairs, closing a door, driving to work. In the middle of singing my favorite song. When I kiss him …
Someone asked him if I was his “project”
Upon hearing, it took a few moments to realize I stopped breathing.
He told me something I didn’t need to know. I didn’t want to know. It is something I want no part of and I wish it could get ripped right out of my mind. That pain would have nothing on how it felt taking in those words. That word. One word. Project.
Project? Really? What does that even mean?
Am I some sort of assignment? Are you going to put me on display when you are finished? What happened to loving me? What did you give this person that made this question possible to ever be asked? What did you say? How did you respond?
Why do I know?
Because that is what I’m dealing with right now. No, not dealing … suffering.
And now I just want to scream and yell until my throat is raw and dry: “WHY DID YOU TELL ME?”
Some things surely are better left unsaid. This was at the top of that list.
I love this man, don’t get me wrong, but my mind has recorded this word and it plays it over and over. If I’m walking down the stairs, closing a door, driving to work. In the middle of singing my favorite song. When I kiss him …
Someone asked him if I was his “project”
Upon hearing, it took a few moments to realize I stopped breathing.
He told me something I didn’t need to know. I didn’t want to know. It is something I want no part of and I wish it could get ripped right out of my mind. That pain would have nothing on how it felt taking in those words. That word. One word. Project.
Project? Really? What does that even mean?
Am I some sort of assignment? Are you going to put me on display when you are finished? What happened to loving me? What did you give this person that made this question possible to ever be asked? What did you say? How did you respond?
Why do I know?
Friday, August 15, 2008
My Secret
My secret.
If I could keep anything from you, it isn’t that I sucked my thumb for far too long. It wouldn’t be that I grew up in a house where water was shut off due to unpaid bills. Or that I have been accused of lying, cheating, and stealing (whether guilty or not). It wouldn’t even be that I have run away from home in bare feet, scared to death and nowhere to go.
Yes, these are my secrets. Things I try to keep from even my innermost circle of friends. But, with my head hung in shame, fear or embarrassment, I would do it. I would share this with you. If it meant that my secret, my one that can bring me to tears and silence in seconds, would never have to be shared.
It’s that I’m a big girl … big boned, plus sized, shapely, lusciously large, full figured … fat.
No, dear friend, I am not just 10lbs overweight, or even 30. It’s more than that. But, it has never defined me. Yet it has. It doesn’t make me who I am yet at times, it’s everything about me. For others, it IS my very being. I’m sure I’ve been written off by people who have not taken a moment to get to know me strictly because of what I look like.
But, I am so, so much more than that. But there are moments that I forget. And that’s when this little, yet big, issue becomes my grandest secret.
I’ve heard the jokes – from the school hallways to the mall, my own backyard to the workplace. From mothers in front of their daughters at the local playground to boys in clubs with beers in their hands. Some were blatant and said straight to my face. Others were side comments or side glances that I caught – because I’m always on the lookout. Always one the defense. Ready to … to … ready to take it.
There are days I fight. And I fight hard. With the mirror. With my jeans. With my make-up. With every physical part of myself. It seems to be those very days that I just happen to pass the best looking girls, the most attractive men. And I feel inadequate, insecure, insignificant – not me. I seem to forget the things that make up who I am.
How do I get back there to this place where I can remember? I’m on my way right now ...
If I could keep anything from you, it isn’t that I sucked my thumb for far too long. It wouldn’t be that I grew up in a house where water was shut off due to unpaid bills. Or that I have been accused of lying, cheating, and stealing (whether guilty or not). It wouldn’t even be that I have run away from home in bare feet, scared to death and nowhere to go.
Yes, these are my secrets. Things I try to keep from even my innermost circle of friends. But, with my head hung in shame, fear or embarrassment, I would do it. I would share this with you. If it meant that my secret, my one that can bring me to tears and silence in seconds, would never have to be shared.
It’s that I’m a big girl … big boned, plus sized, shapely, lusciously large, full figured … fat.
No, dear friend, I am not just 10lbs overweight, or even 30. It’s more than that. But, it has never defined me. Yet it has. It doesn’t make me who I am yet at times, it’s everything about me. For others, it IS my very being. I’m sure I’ve been written off by people who have not taken a moment to get to know me strictly because of what I look like.
But, I am so, so much more than that. But there are moments that I forget. And that’s when this little, yet big, issue becomes my grandest secret.
I’ve heard the jokes – from the school hallways to the mall, my own backyard to the workplace. From mothers in front of their daughters at the local playground to boys in clubs with beers in their hands. Some were blatant and said straight to my face. Others were side comments or side glances that I caught – because I’m always on the lookout. Always one the defense. Ready to … to … ready to take it.
There are days I fight. And I fight hard. With the mirror. With my jeans. With my make-up. With every physical part of myself. It seems to be those very days that I just happen to pass the best looking girls, the most attractive men. And I feel inadequate, insecure, insignificant – not me. I seem to forget the things that make up who I am.
How do I get back there to this place where I can remember? I’m on my way right now ...
Monday, March 24, 2008
What a week it's been!!
So much has happened in the past week, I don't even know where to begin.
I've done a road trip on my own, spent time with BoyBF (ca-razy goodness!), hung out with my most favorite person on earth (yay big sis!!) and even managed to see SB a few times. And boy oh boy has A LOT happened there ...
However, I think, hope and pray that the biggest change is coming from within me. I spent several days having the chance to clear my head (that would be the time I spent with my sister, who is honestly, truthfully the most amazing individual in my life!), got some good advice and set up a plan of action for myself - not dealing with him. Me. Solely me.
The 'ship between SB and I has taken quite an interesting turn. I don't know where it's headed next. It might be another heartbreak. It might be something good. I might be an absolute idiot ... I don't know. Right now, I'm more concerned about getting some things started for me. Things I've put off, things I've ignored, calls that need to be made and directions I need to follow.
For now, that's all I'll say (partly because I'm at work!) as I let the last week's events digest and play out some. Then, I'll be more than happy to hear what ya'll have to say! Even you hotmama!
What's a girl gotta do sometimes? Take a few days off and spend it with the dearest, closest person they know ... and perhaps next time it'll be somewhere sunny, next to a large body of water!
I've done a road trip on my own, spent time with BoyBF (ca-razy goodness!), hung out with my most favorite person on earth (yay big sis!!) and even managed to see SB a few times. And boy oh boy has A LOT happened there ...
However, I think, hope and pray that the biggest change is coming from within me. I spent several days having the chance to clear my head (that would be the time I spent with my sister, who is honestly, truthfully the most amazing individual in my life!), got some good advice and set up a plan of action for myself - not dealing with him. Me. Solely me.
The 'ship between SB and I has taken quite an interesting turn. I don't know where it's headed next. It might be another heartbreak. It might be something good. I might be an absolute idiot ... I don't know. Right now, I'm more concerned about getting some things started for me. Things I've put off, things I've ignored, calls that need to be made and directions I need to follow.
For now, that's all I'll say (partly because I'm at work!) as I let the last week's events digest and play out some. Then, I'll be more than happy to hear what ya'll have to say! Even you hotmama!
What's a girl gotta do sometimes? Take a few days off and spend it with the dearest, closest person they know ... and perhaps next time it'll be somewhere sunny, next to a large body of water!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Headin' out on the town ...
My boy best friend (BoyBF) is in town. We've spent the last 5 days hanging out, experiencing the city, being absolutely ridiculous. Oh man ... we even saw Michael Buble in concert. Super hot. I highly recommend him. Just looking at him, even. Well, and maybe even listening to him sing.
BoyBF offers such a much needed perspective, as all my dear friends do. We haven't spent actual time together since April so it's almost been a year. We use to spend every day together (yay for our old job!) so the changes in me have been very apparent to him.
Ugh.
Let's just say that on Wednesday alone there were three different moments where I cried.
Oh, this healing process ... what a freakin' journey.
The best part though is that we laugh and laugh and laugh. Not that I haven't been laughing, I mean, I'm not that far gone. It's just good to laugh with an old friend, reminisce about old times all while making new memories.
So far we've gotten lost in my new city, saw an amazing up and coming singer, BoyBF became a karaoke sensation last night, and we managed to dodge a verbal altercation with some way too drunken man at the bar.
Good times, great friend. BoyBF is so awesome. He just played me a song with the line: "If there's one thing that I know, with a million miles to go, nobody, no one can take away my song".
Tonight we're hitting the town again. Somewhere in this mind of mine are thoughts I'd rather not admit to. Oh, boy oh boy, it's time for pre drinks.
What's a girl got to do? grab a lowcut shirt and a LARGE glass of wine! :) haha ...
BoyBF offers such a much needed perspective, as all my dear friends do. We haven't spent actual time together since April so it's almost been a year. We use to spend every day together (yay for our old job!) so the changes in me have been very apparent to him.
Ugh.
Let's just say that on Wednesday alone there were three different moments where I cried.
Oh, this healing process ... what a freakin' journey.
The best part though is that we laugh and laugh and laugh. Not that I haven't been laughing, I mean, I'm not that far gone. It's just good to laugh with an old friend, reminisce about old times all while making new memories.
So far we've gotten lost in my new city, saw an amazing up and coming singer, BoyBF became a karaoke sensation last night, and we managed to dodge a verbal altercation with some way too drunken man at the bar.
Good times, great friend. BoyBF is so awesome. He just played me a song with the line: "If there's one thing that I know, with a million miles to go, nobody, no one can take away my song".
Tonight we're hitting the town again. Somewhere in this mind of mine are thoughts I'd rather not admit to. Oh, boy oh boy, it's time for pre drinks.
What's a girl got to do? grab a lowcut shirt and a LARGE glass of wine! :) haha ...
Monday, March 10, 2008
breathing ...
Whew.
Okay. Here I am! Still breathing.
The tv is still on when I go to bed at night.
We still talk - in fact, I think the friendship part of it is the best it's been.
On the surface. Because I'm still sorta, kinda dying inside.
He thinks I've been indifferent lately; he can't figure me out. Does he really not know. What does a girl say, "Um, well see, I'm not indifferent. I'm just heartbroken ... because of you ... duh."
SB is still very much so stupid boy.
I think maybe I'm just weening myself off. That's what my sister said (she is so my saving grace).
Just living day to day and taking care of me is what I'm doing right now. I'm trying to focus less on him and what's gone on and more on me and what I need to do.
I think it's working.
It still sucks. But writing has helped. Talking has helped.
Heartbreak is not fun. Oddly, though, I suppose I can look at it as if I'm lucky I can experience such emotion. Although I'm not quite sure if I believe this in this very moment but I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.
Indifferent is a way I'll never feel. Even if I might wish I could.
As for the rest of life ... one of my best guy friends is coming to town (don't get any ideas!!!) tomorrow and I'm so excited. I haven't really seen him since the move in July. I'm sure we'll fill the visit up with our old crazy antics. And again, another blessing because it's exactly what I need. God sure is good.
I suppose this will be a series ... what's a girl to do to get over a heartbreak? Connect with dear friends, breathe, and drink lots of water.
Okay. Here I am! Still breathing.
The tv is still on when I go to bed at night.
We still talk - in fact, I think the friendship part of it is the best it's been.
On the surface. Because I'm still sorta, kinda dying inside.
He thinks I've been indifferent lately; he can't figure me out. Does he really not know. What does a girl say, "Um, well see, I'm not indifferent. I'm just heartbroken ... because of you ... duh."
SB is still very much so stupid boy.
I think maybe I'm just weening myself off. That's what my sister said (she is so my saving grace).
Just living day to day and taking care of me is what I'm doing right now. I'm trying to focus less on him and what's gone on and more on me and what I need to do.
I think it's working.
It still sucks. But writing has helped. Talking has helped.
Heartbreak is not fun. Oddly, though, I suppose I can look at it as if I'm lucky I can experience such emotion. Although I'm not quite sure if I believe this in this very moment but I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.
Indifferent is a way I'll never feel. Even if I might wish I could.
As for the rest of life ... one of my best guy friends is coming to town (don't get any ideas!!!) tomorrow and I'm so excited. I haven't really seen him since the move in July. I'm sure we'll fill the visit up with our old crazy antics. And again, another blessing because it's exactly what I need. God sure is good.
I suppose this will be a series ... what's a girl to do to get over a heartbreak? Connect with dear friends, breathe, and drink lots of water.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
To my blogging friends ...
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You rock my blogging (and real) world!
You know, it was my sister who talked me into writing a blog. I wonder if she knew what was in store for me. She is absolutely amazing when it comes to helping me heal, or listening, or giving advice, or laughing with me. She's the best. I can't thank her enough for encouraging me to write. How necessary it's been.
This is my therapy.
By your comments and the fact that you're reading this, I feel like I have best friends, shoulders to lean on, tissues to use, slices of chocolate cake, and many, many bottles of wine. Your stories, especially of love winning in the end, are so incredibly helpful and I appreciate all that you have shared with me.
I don't know what I'd do without all of you ... I mean that. I can't wait to read up on everyone's blogs - especially my new friends who've offered their support, thanks to Laskigal. It'll be like hanging out with my girlfriends as I read your happenings.
I'm going to take a few days off of talking about SB. I have to be honest, I know it isn't over - the talking it out part. But I think I might focus on something else because my life is so much more than this.
Oh, and Laskigal. Do you need a kidney? You can have mine.
Love, rjtrue
You know, it was my sister who talked me into writing a blog. I wonder if she knew what was in store for me. She is absolutely amazing when it comes to helping me heal, or listening, or giving advice, or laughing with me. She's the best. I can't thank her enough for encouraging me to write. How necessary it's been.
This is my therapy.
By your comments and the fact that you're reading this, I feel like I have best friends, shoulders to lean on, tissues to use, slices of chocolate cake, and many, many bottles of wine. Your stories, especially of love winning in the end, are so incredibly helpful and I appreciate all that you have shared with me.
I don't know what I'd do without all of you ... I mean that. I can't wait to read up on everyone's blogs - especially my new friends who've offered their support, thanks to Laskigal. It'll be like hanging out with my girlfriends as I read your happenings.
I'm going to take a few days off of talking about SB. I have to be honest, I know it isn't over - the talking it out part. But I think I might focus on something else because my life is so much more than this.
Oh, and Laskigal. Do you need a kidney? You can have mine.
Love, rjtrue
Monday, March 3, 2008
Fast forward
My absence is not because I have run out of things to say … I just don’t know what I want to say. What I should say. What I need to say.
So, I’ll start with this weekend.
The weather was gorgeous and I took full advantage of it. I needed it.
Some friends and I walked around downtown on Saturday and then checked out open houses just for fun yesterday. I fell in love with the east part of town. It's quite a place filled with antique shops, artsy places and just awesome "stuff". I have a feeling I'll visit there often. I've even gotten a little sun ... so enjoyable.
Problem is, I think about him. I can't help it. He's not in the forefront but he's there for sure. I wonder if he'd like this store or that. I think about how we'd probably have fun just walking around. But he doesn't want to do that with me. How is it easy to forget that? But, I do.
I’ve been going to bed with the TV on. I don’t know if that’s a good idea because then I dream about strange things. I don’t want any time of my own to think because it just goes back to him. What could have been, should have been, will never be. Then I think of how he’s probably with her. And happy.
He wonders why I’m still so hurt. Hm. He thinks it’s because of her. Her? Really? Well, I mean, it is. I’m sad that he’s found someone that isn’t me especially when my gut has told me (and guts CAN lie) that we’d be SO GOOD together. But, I must be honest, while that is difficult, while that does pain me, it’s the fact that … that … that I’m hurt. That in my head I’ve allowed him, created him to be exactly what I want. I’ve made myself believe that except for that one thing I’m everything he wants. But do I want someone who has the capacity to say the things he’s said? I just kept forgiving it all because … because I’m crazy.
I’m hurt because he hurt me.
I think this is a heartbreak. A real one. Truth be told, perhaps the first. But it's different. I suppose they all are different.
I haven't talked to him in a few days. I admit, we got together on Wednesday. It was nice. Actually, it was really nice. We hung out for 7 hours with never a dull moment, awkward ones but never dull. He was left speechless by my gift. What can I say? I'm thoughtful. I'm incredible girlfriend material ... just for someone else.
I feel like I need him by my side while I find my way back to me. Even if it means he’s just a friend. There’s part of me that doesn’t want to lose him at all, no matter what. How twisted is that? He's the one who broke me down, made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and he has apologized but those words still ring in my ears. I can’t make it stop. I want him to fix it. I want the guy that kept me coming back. He's great. He's wonderful. He's what I want.
Or so I've let myself come to believe.
It’s funny to me that the first person I think I’ve truly fallen for is someone who has told me I’m not pretty, has questioned my talents and has intentionally never introduced me to his other circles of friends.
I know it could be worse. I need everyone to know that. Or maybe I need to know that. I was watching that Oprah giveaway yesterday and a woman on there had tragically lost her husband – he was shot while at work. A friend of mine got married, then pregnant and her husband turned into (or perhaps she realized he was) a total loser. Women are murdered by the men they love. Another friend’s boyfriend of years and years, the one she was planning her happily ever after with, who she vacationed with, spent holidays with, told her he just didn’t love her anymore and walked away. Oh, boy could I go on and this is just in the love category.
I just met a boy. He said some great things. He also treated me worse than I've ever been treated. I fell anyway. And he didn’t fall back. He fell ahead. Right into someone else. Leaving me to pick myself up. On my own.
What’s a girl to do? Stay friends and just get over it. Never talk to him again. Run. Run fast. Keep obsessing, wishing. Give and not get. Stay hopeful. Listen to more sad songs. Realize what I deserve, hurt for awhile and move on. Keep writing until I figure it out.
I don’t know.
There will come a day when I will read this and roll my eyes. Wish I could just fast forward.
UGH. Stupid boy.
So, I’ll start with this weekend.
The weather was gorgeous and I took full advantage of it. I needed it.
Some friends and I walked around downtown on Saturday and then checked out open houses just for fun yesterday. I fell in love with the east part of town. It's quite a place filled with antique shops, artsy places and just awesome "stuff". I have a feeling I'll visit there often. I've even gotten a little sun ... so enjoyable.
Problem is, I think about him. I can't help it. He's not in the forefront but he's there for sure. I wonder if he'd like this store or that. I think about how we'd probably have fun just walking around. But he doesn't want to do that with me. How is it easy to forget that? But, I do.
I’ve been going to bed with the TV on. I don’t know if that’s a good idea because then I dream about strange things. I don’t want any time of my own to think because it just goes back to him. What could have been, should have been, will never be. Then I think of how he’s probably with her. And happy.
He wonders why I’m still so hurt. Hm. He thinks it’s because of her. Her? Really? Well, I mean, it is. I’m sad that he’s found someone that isn’t me especially when my gut has told me (and guts CAN lie) that we’d be SO GOOD together. But, I must be honest, while that is difficult, while that does pain me, it’s the fact that … that … that I’m hurt. That in my head I’ve allowed him, created him to be exactly what I want. I’ve made myself believe that except for that one thing I’m everything he wants. But do I want someone who has the capacity to say the things he’s said? I just kept forgiving it all because … because I’m crazy.
I’m hurt because he hurt me.
I think this is a heartbreak. A real one. Truth be told, perhaps the first. But it's different. I suppose they all are different.
I haven't talked to him in a few days. I admit, we got together on Wednesday. It was nice. Actually, it was really nice. We hung out for 7 hours with never a dull moment, awkward ones but never dull. He was left speechless by my gift. What can I say? I'm thoughtful. I'm incredible girlfriend material ... just for someone else.
I feel like I need him by my side while I find my way back to me. Even if it means he’s just a friend. There’s part of me that doesn’t want to lose him at all, no matter what. How twisted is that? He's the one who broke me down, made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and he has apologized but those words still ring in my ears. I can’t make it stop. I want him to fix it. I want the guy that kept me coming back. He's great. He's wonderful. He's what I want.
Or so I've let myself come to believe.
It’s funny to me that the first person I think I’ve truly fallen for is someone who has told me I’m not pretty, has questioned my talents and has intentionally never introduced me to his other circles of friends.
I know it could be worse. I need everyone to know that. Or maybe I need to know that. I was watching that Oprah giveaway yesterday and a woman on there had tragically lost her husband – he was shot while at work. A friend of mine got married, then pregnant and her husband turned into (or perhaps she realized he was) a total loser. Women are murdered by the men they love. Another friend’s boyfriend of years and years, the one she was planning her happily ever after with, who she vacationed with, spent holidays with, told her he just didn’t love her anymore and walked away. Oh, boy could I go on and this is just in the love category.
I just met a boy. He said some great things. He also treated me worse than I've ever been treated. I fell anyway. And he didn’t fall back. He fell ahead. Right into someone else. Leaving me to pick myself up. On my own.
What’s a girl to do? Stay friends and just get over it. Never talk to him again. Run. Run fast. Keep obsessing, wishing. Give and not get. Stay hopeful. Listen to more sad songs. Realize what I deserve, hurt for awhile and move on. Keep writing until I figure it out.
I don’t know.
There will come a day when I will read this and roll my eyes. Wish I could just fast forward.
UGH. Stupid boy.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
What She Said
I love, love, LOVE coffee. I realize that I pay far too much for it but you know what? I don't care. Nope, I don't. Not one bit. I don't necessarily have a favorite place (though I do frequent Starbucks). It just needs to be ridiculously pricey and have a spot where I can sit by myself or with a good friend or two.
That's what I did the other day. A girlfriend of mine and I decided to head to the local Starbucks after work. We sat for a while and talked about politics, life, friends, religion, work, and drama. I've known her less than six months and from the beginning she has had this strange insight into who I am. It's not like she has my every move pegged or each thought figured out ... she just gets me and I appreciate her more than words can say.
Well, as you know from reading my life, things have been a little harried for me. Friend knows all about them, too. We talked a moment about that, of course. But it was something she said that had nothing to do with anything that struck me the most. It gave me the little bit of the resuscitation that I needed. I think it had to do with WHAT she said as much as it was simply that SHE said it.
She was talking about a friend of hers that she'd grown up with and said, "She's the coolest girl ... you'd love her."
And the light turned on.
I'm not that girl. My friends, new and old, probably wouldn't describe me that way anymore. They would have. They did. They'd say so many wonderful things about me. They have not changed. Our relationships haven't gone to the wayside. I am just different. I am not the person I once was. I think it's a funk. Just a phase. But it feels never-ending.
I'm not a lost cause. It's not so bad that no one wants to hang around me. I'm just not as fun. As exciting. As sparkly. I'm not as cool as I used to be. I'm just okay now but I'm not okay.
:(
What a girl's got to do when she loses herself? Find her. Hug her. And bring her home.
That's what I did the other day. A girlfriend of mine and I decided to head to the local Starbucks after work. We sat for a while and talked about politics, life, friends, religion, work, and drama. I've known her less than six months and from the beginning she has had this strange insight into who I am. It's not like she has my every move pegged or each thought figured out ... she just gets me and I appreciate her more than words can say.
Well, as you know from reading my life, things have been a little harried for me. Friend knows all about them, too. We talked a moment about that, of course. But it was something she said that had nothing to do with anything that struck me the most. It gave me the little bit of the resuscitation that I needed. I think it had to do with WHAT she said as much as it was simply that SHE said it.
She was talking about a friend of hers that she'd grown up with and said, "She's the coolest girl ... you'd love her."
And the light turned on.
I'm not that girl. My friends, new and old, probably wouldn't describe me that way anymore. They would have. They did. They'd say so many wonderful things about me. They have not changed. Our relationships haven't gone to the wayside. I am just different. I am not the person I once was. I think it's a funk. Just a phase. But it feels never-ending.
I'm not a lost cause. It's not so bad that no one wants to hang around me. I'm just not as fun. As exciting. As sparkly. I'm not as cool as I used to be. I'm just okay now but I'm not okay.
:(
What a girl's got to do when she loses herself? Find her. Hug her. And bring her home.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Disappointment and Back-up
I wrote a few different drafts of blogs with topics I’ve wanted to talk about but there’s something that has come up just a few hours ago that I want to discuss.
I disappointed someone today. Someone who loves me very much and only wants the very best for me. I know this person is okay and we’ll be fine but now I’m sitting here trying to figure out what exactly I need to do to “fix” it. She is disappointed in a very poor decision I made. Hindsight didn’t even need to tell me that I should have chosen differently.
I am always honest with her, even when I know she won’t be too happy with me. In this case, I knew she’d be angry … pissed … livid. Perhaps that’s why I’ve never lied to her. Maybe I want to be called out. She keeps me grounded to say the least. And sane, even when insanity is lying next to me.
In thinking about this nonstop and wondering how to remedy things, I’ve realized it has nothing to do with her. She might be frustrated and upset with me but why? It’s me. I did something that is against character but quickly and frighteningly seemingly becoming who I am.
Sometimes we want to get mad at people who don’t “support” us or get excited about our stupid, harmful endeavors. Even if we know we were doing something stupid it’s easy to get defensive when we’re called out on it. We make excuses to others for ourselves and our behavior but really, just like in this case, there’s no need for it.
Her only concern is me. My concern is everything but me. Lucky me, I have someone watching out. I think the only way to fix this situation is to fix me.
I better get going. I’ve got some figuring out to do.
Who's got your back no matter what ridiculous mess you get yourself into?
I disappointed someone today. Someone who loves me very much and only wants the very best for me. I know this person is okay and we’ll be fine but now I’m sitting here trying to figure out what exactly I need to do to “fix” it. She is disappointed in a very poor decision I made. Hindsight didn’t even need to tell me that I should have chosen differently.
I am always honest with her, even when I know she won’t be too happy with me. In this case, I knew she’d be angry … pissed … livid. Perhaps that’s why I’ve never lied to her. Maybe I want to be called out. She keeps me grounded to say the least. And sane, even when insanity is lying next to me.
In thinking about this nonstop and wondering how to remedy things, I’ve realized it has nothing to do with her. She might be frustrated and upset with me but why? It’s me. I did something that is against character but quickly and frighteningly seemingly becoming who I am.
Sometimes we want to get mad at people who don’t “support” us or get excited about our stupid, harmful endeavors. Even if we know we were doing something stupid it’s easy to get defensive when we’re called out on it. We make excuses to others for ourselves and our behavior but really, just like in this case, there’s no need for it.
Her only concern is me. My concern is everything but me. Lucky me, I have someone watching out. I think the only way to fix this situation is to fix me.
I better get going. I’ve got some figuring out to do.
Who's got your back no matter what ridiculous mess you get yourself into?
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