Memoir - page one

My sweet sisters gave me a gift - The Book of Me. There is space on every page to share a memory, a fact, or a story about my life. About me.

I thought I'd share my answers here - and perhaps you want to answer the questions for yourself, too.

AKA

What is your full name? Rebecca Jean T

How was that name chosen? For many years, I thought my middle name, Jean, was after my Grandma Jean who wasn't really my grandma. And, God rest her soul, she wasn't the happiest of souls. Finally, one day, I asked my mom and it turns out I'm named after my aunt - it's her middle name. As for my first name ... it wasn't what my mom originally had in mind. She liked Catherine and Suzanne and, I think, Janelle. But, she went with Rebecca once she saw me and because it was from the bible. I might have to ask her again, though. Just to be sure!

What are all the other names you have used? Oh man ... Becky, Bex, Speck, Beacky, Jeannie, Beckster, T, Lil Turkey, T-ster, Ms T, FP, Seester, MT, Gurl, B*Bomb, T-Time, Sweet T, T-Top, Puddin' Head, Angel Baby ...

How did you get those names? Well, most of them are variations from my given name, obviously. Puddin' Head and Angel Baby are from my Dad and Mom. I probably have a million from my 10 letter intimidating last name.

Have you ever been called by a name that was distasteful or hurtful? Not really. At least none that have really mattered. My last name can be somewhat like "Turds" but, in hindsight, it's humorous.

If you could choose a different name, what would it be? Perhaps something less common but I love my name - after 29 years, it helps define me. I love my last name because it's so different and quite the conversation piece. And, I like the idea that my middle name is after someone important to my Mom. As for Rebecca ... there are few people who call me by my given name - it's mostly Becky. Sometimes that seems silly just to say - a little young, silly but I suppose that can help always keep me youthful.

a post

Dear friend,

I realize if I actually promise something, I may follow through. Perhaps that's the key to my last blog post ... so, because I promised that you'd have something to read on my blog by six this evening (though it's really going to be more like seven!), here is my entry.
By the way, I am lucky to have you for a friend.

Dear sis (and blogless little sis),

Thank you for my 29th birthday gift ... a do-it-yourself memoir. Lord knows I needed the help to get going ...

nothing for my thoughts ...

This morning when I walked to my car, I began thinking about blogging.

You know, I thought I'd be so, so good at it. I thought it could make some new friends. I thought it would make me feel better having such an outlet. Shoot, I thought it would help make me famous (well, not really - but I wouldn't have minded). I thought I could bring a smile to others faces.

But, I am lucky to average quarterly entries. Which is strange because, in my head, there are a million ideas just waiting to be shared. Today, I wrote on a student's paper: Great ideas. Poor execution. Apparently, we suffer from the same ailment.

Truth be told ... all I ever do is think.

I am a great thinker. Perhaps the best. I think about losing weight. I think about writing. I think about cleaning. I think about singing. I think about sending letters. I think about ways to create world peace. I think about getting my desk organized.

I rarely follow through. There's no doing. There's no chasing. There are only half-assed attempts at trying.

Strange. I thought I was someone different than that.

At least I know the problem: Great ideas. Poor execution.

A draft to post.

I wrote this back in August and just re-read the draft. Things have definitely changed in a matter of months ...
___________________


Do you ever have a line from a song that runs through your head? Over and over and over?



Lately, it's been ... "something something big green tractor", mixed with a little of "when the one you're looking for has been here the whole time" No real significance - just country songs that are overplayed yet still enjoyable.



Then there's this one more ... it's one line on constant repeat in my mind. Since the end of my summer, the start of work. The beginning of many changes.



"I'm feeling a little lonely"



It's strange though because things are really so good. I'm running the whole theatre program, my friends are phenomenal, my family rocks, the boy's wonderful ...



But, somehow I'm so lonely.



And empty.



And unhappy.

Almost ...

"He loved her for

almost everything she was

& she decided that was enough

to let him stay

for a very long time."

*

I used to love this quote. I remember when I first saw it. As I stood in the basement of a friend's home, the quote motioned me over, enticing me with its whimsical, yet mass produced painting, and made me read it.

*

I believed it like it was straight from the lips of God. I suppose I needed that quote. Whether it was in that moment or the months to come, that quote reminded me that being almost loved would be okay. I even proudly placed it in my "favorite quote" section on facebook. Proudly. As if one day, my daughter could come home and tell me "mama, there's this boy that almost loves me. isn't that wonderful?" And then I should beam happiness back at her sweet face.

*

Things have changed.

*

Maybe I read those words differently but I don't think that almost is enough anymore. Perhaps it's because I am close to finally believing that someone loves me for everything I am - angry, crazy, fat, beautiful, frustrating, emotional, baggage filled, money owed self.

*

I hope that one day I can fully believe him, too. Either way, the quote's no longer a favorite. I deserve better. So does my daughter.

...

I'm still here.

That's all ... for now.

I'll be back.

I always am ...

Oh, time how you fly.

Hm. So, it's no secret things have been a little rough. Self-discovery and that whole journey is a pain in the ass. But, that's okay because it's an absolute necessity.

I'm 28 now. Not old, but yet, difficult. Hard to explain.

I've finished 5 years of teaching the madness that is high school. I will even begin my 6th year in a different role - getting back in touch with neglected loves - theatre, plays, musicals, and drama ... well, I've always been in touch with drama!

I am still with Boy. He drives me crazy and annoys the hell out of me at times. I'm sure he finds me beyond difficult in way too many moments. I very wrongly thought this whole relationship stuff would be easy ... But, he loves me ... a lot. And, I love him.

When I allow it (and stop acting stupidly scared and undeserving), it's nearly too good to be true.

For the first time in a long time, I'm not really working this summer. Well, I'm working on me. Getting healthy. Writing. Doing music-related things. Oddly enough, the area that's going quite well is the getting healthy.

Oh, irony. You are so silly.

But, life is alright. Especially because of getaway weekends like this:

What a girl gotta do? Accept some joy.