Thursday, January 31, 2008

What She Said

I love, love, LOVE coffee. I realize that I pay far too much for it but you know what? I don't care. Nope, I don't. Not one bit. I don't necessarily have a favorite place (though I do frequent Starbucks). It just needs to be ridiculously pricey and have a spot where I can sit by myself or with a good friend or two.

That's what I did the other day. A girlfriend of mine and I decided to head to the local Starbucks after work. We sat for a while and talked about politics, life, friends, religion, work, and drama. I've known her less than six months and from the beginning she has had this strange insight into who I am. It's not like she has my every move pegged or each thought figured out ... she just gets me and I appreciate her more than words can say.

Well, as you know from reading my life, things have been a little harried for me. Friend knows all about them, too. We talked a moment about that, of course. But it was something she said that had nothing to do with anything that struck me the most. It gave me the little bit of the resuscitation that I needed. I think it had to do with WHAT she said as much as it was simply that SHE said it.

She was talking about a friend of hers that she'd grown up with and said, "She's the coolest girl ... you'd love her."

And the light turned on.

I'm not that girl. My friends, new and old, probably wouldn't describe me that way anymore. They would have. They did. They'd say so many wonderful things about me. They have not changed. Our relationships haven't gone to the wayside. I am just different. I am not the person I once was. I think it's a funk. Just a phase. But it feels never-ending.

I'm not a lost cause. It's not so bad that no one wants to hang around me. I'm just not as fun. As exciting. As sparkly. I'm not as cool as I used to be. I'm just okay now but I'm not okay.


What a girl's got to do when she loses herself? Find her. Hug her. And bring her home.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Disappointment and Back-up

I wrote a few different drafts of blogs with topics I’ve wanted to talk about but there’s something that has come up just a few hours ago that I want to discuss.

I disappointed someone today. Someone who loves me very much and only wants the very best for me. I know this person is okay and we’ll be fine but now I’m sitting here trying to figure out what exactly I need to do to “fix” it. She is disappointed in a very poor decision I made. Hindsight didn’t even need to tell me that I should have chosen differently.

I am always honest with her, even when I know she won’t be too happy with me. In this case, I knew she’d be angry … pissed … livid. Perhaps that’s why I’ve never lied to her. Maybe I want to be called out. She keeps me grounded to say the least. And sane, even when insanity is lying next to me.

In thinking about this nonstop and wondering how to remedy things, I’ve realized it has nothing to do with her. She might be frustrated and upset with me but why? It’s me. I did something that is against character but quickly and frighteningly seemingly becoming who I am.

Sometimes we want to get mad at people who don’t “support” us or get excited about our stupid, harmful endeavors. Even if we know we were doing something stupid it’s easy to get defensive when we’re called out on it. We make excuses to others for ourselves and our behavior but really, just like in this case, there’s no need for it.

Her only concern is me. My concern is everything but me. Lucky me, I have someone watching out. I think the only way to fix this situation is to fix me.

I better get going. I’ve got some figuring out to do.

Who's got your back no matter what ridiculous mess you get yourself into?

Monday, January 14, 2008

The girls I know

Shall we discuss the girls that help us along?

I could talk about them every single day. I could talk about boys everyday, too but I have to remember that one of my 2008 Ways of Improving My Life is to get rid of the boys and find me a man ...

Okay, I digress.

I'm in the midst of an odd kind of heartscratch. It's not a break - it wasn't serious enough for that. But, it was unexpectantly expected. I know, strange. But it hurts. A lot. As nearly every matter of the heart like this does. I'll talk about that another day though, friends.

I want to talk about the girls who are by my side through this situation that I should have ran like hell from months ago. I'm walking away slowly now and they are kindly helping ... okay, pulling me along. You know what's funny? All of the girls I'll mention know me so incredibly well. They've been around through the process of this madness and they just listened, gave advice I ignored yet listened still. And though they saw this coming, next to me they still stand.

Two are from work and they sent me e-mails during the day holding words of encouragement and promising chocolate milkshakes and cheese sticks on Wednesday. I've known them a short time but we must be kindred spirits. My best friend from back in Chicago, who is getting married in less than ONE MONTH called me out on every lie and then reminded me of all the great things in my life ... like her of course.

And then, there's my blood. My sisters. My life. I've got a big one and little one. They are quite different but the message is the same: Filled with so much love that it takes care of and replenishes an empty heart.

Because of these women, I'll find what I need to find and then ... because of me, I'll be okay.

Boy are still stupid.

Who are your girls? I sure hope you got yourself a good stable of 'em because I sure don't know who I'd be without them!!

Monday, January 7, 2008

The games we play

So, over the weekend I went out with a "friend" Without getting into the whole history right now, let's just say he is not just a friend. He should be more, he could be more, he would be more but he just isn't. It's friends we are. Ugh.

Anyway, we had Friday off so we decided to go out in the middle of the day. I knew he had some kind of plans for the evening but he wouldn't say what they were. I'm a smart girl so let's be honest, he didn't need to. But anyway, he chose to be mysterious. Fine. Go ahead. Little does he know that he's about as mysterious as a tween girl's obsession with High School Musical.

Moving on.

We met at his place. Before you get any ideas, friends, I was there for all of 15 minutes. Someone please tell me why he had his "evening" clothes laying on the chair in the LIVING ROOM!?!? I hate games. I don't know what he was trying to prove. I got it, you have a hot date after our "friend time". Whatever. I'm a girl. An emotional one at that. And, like I said, I hate games. But my initial reaction was, thankfully, held at bay. I wanted to go biserck and use all sorts of colorful language about how he was such an ass. Instead, I said, "ooo, going somewhere fancy?" and when he didn't respond I just laughed to myself, yet loud enough for him to hear, and told him I liked his choice of clothes.

We went out. We had a decent time. It was far different from out last get together but fun nonethless. At least I thought. He continued this supposed mystery and before I left, you know, so he could get ready for his big event I said, "Just be sure to be cute and charming" smiled, more like smirked, and walked right out.

I guess I have no choice but to play along.

Stupid games. Stupid boy.

Why do you play? Do you always have to? I don't think I'll ever quite get it. But what's my option ... either I'm in or he's going out to find a new scrabble partner. For now, it works. But I tell you, friends, there will come a day when it isn't worth it. The game will be over even though there may be turns left. You definitely can't give it everything you have because then you have nothing left.
And you sure as hell don't want to lose.

Just some facts ...

Maybe you need to know some details about me before I tell you what you've got to do ... Or before you decide this is your favorite thing to read.

I hate driving the speed limit. Yes, I know it's against the law to go over it but I just can't help myself.

Chocolate chip cookies are all too often my downfall.

I wear my heart on my sleeve even though sometimes I'd like to cover it up.

I'm a master at heartbreak. You know, having my heart broken.

Sometimes I come across as needy and emotional ...

Yet, I can be evil, bitchy and manipulative (I mean, I am a girl ;))

I like boys way too much. I can't wait to get to that point where I find myself a man.

Head over heals is so much fun. Until your head comes crashing into cement. For whatever reason, you can never fall on soft ground.

Friends and caffeine are absolute necessities.

I don't know how to get out of a hot shower.

I'm a dreamer but all too often I get sidetracked. Thank God I have people to keep me grounded.

Life's not always been easy but I find the good in just about everything.

I come from a big, crazy, loud family. They are my foundation.

I've been broken down and stitched back up. I have crawled, walked and then fallen back down. I've been there, done that, and come back only to do it again.


Someone once told me that I should think about starting my own online journal. He (of course it was a he) said that I had so much to say so perhaps I just needed a place to get it all out.

I was irritated by that. I'm (obviously) not against the idea of blogging at all. I think it's cool. But I didn't think I needed that in particular. I had a journal that was tucked away, endless notebooks with thoughts and ideas and me babbling endlessly on paper. But the things I told him I wanted him to listen to. He didn't get that part. He thought I just liked to talk. I mean, I do. A lot. But I liked talking to him. He never heard a word I said.

We don't talk anymore.

But I've realized that since then, maybe I do need some sort of outlet. An outlet that's appreciated. If only by some random person clicking on "next blog" trying to find something that pertains to them. Or maybe someone will read something that I've experienced and apply it to their own life.

I've been through a bit here and there. I don't always succeed but it's in failures, too, that I have learned exactly what a girl's gotta do to survive in this world.

I have a lot of best friends - dysfunction and drama are two of the closest. They've taught me so much over the years. I have a feeling you'll get to know them, and me, very well.