Wednesday, April 30, 2008


Hi friends.

I feel like I come here with my tail between my legs because I've been completely MIA. I was talking to Laskigal and she's like, "just put it out there"

What's "it"? Why, SB of course.

Or B. Just plain B. He's great and right now things are going well. Really, really well. So well that I'm sort of like, "" and no, I don't want it to end.

I'm living in some fantasy world that I'm hoping, even when the honeymoon phase is over, will still be a reality. He surprised me at work the day before my birthday since I wasn't there on the actual day. He brought cupcakes for all of my students. So, so sweet. He picked me up from the airport and brought flowers and then had an evening of surprises. He wrote our mutual friend a note about me and how wonderful I am. He's pretty much everything I want "that special someone" to be.

And now it's official. He's gone from SB to BF. I know ... WTF, right? That's what I'm thinking. And, is it too good to be true? Who knows. I hope not but we'll take it one day at a time.

I haven't forgotten. There are issues and we'll just see who wins in the end. Us or the issues. But, I will not sacrifice myself or my full happiness in the process. Right now, I'm happy with him. Sappy, silly, crazy happy.

It's scary as hell.

But there is life other than him still. However, I have spent more time with him or talking to him and I've loved every moment (I'd roll my eyes and make gagging noises if I was hearing someone say this!) . Friends, other than its ridiculously rocky and difficult start (and not to say I completely overlook it), this is exactly what I've wanted. Maybe it isn't right but so what, because right now it's every adjective you could use to describe something good.

So, perhaps that's why I haven't been around. I mean, I spent months talking about the heartbreak and hurt and you were all there for me. And then, BAM! While I'm trying desperately to find a way to get over it, get past it and listening to, or trying to listen to, the advice and support, it changes. And I never saw it coming.

This is my first official adult relationship. Yet I feel like I'm 15. I will still need you all.

Much love.

Thursday, April 24, 2008


I just hijacked my sister's blog--hee hee! She is in NYC attending her BFF's wedding! Happy Wedding day Jessica! Wish I could be there (so does little J--but he'd just try to eat your bouquet!). I have no doubt you will make a beautiful bride!

It is my sister's birthday today! I would love to share secrets about her (and one day I am sure I will), but instead, I will do the nice, sisterly thing and just wish her a


Don't forget to keep your eye on the prize! Remember what you are made of!

Big Sis

Monday, April 21, 2008

Where have I been????

I'm okay friends! No fear. I've just been out and about and crazy busy! I've been up to Indy over to East Tennessee, and about to head to NYC for 5 days! MADNESS!

I was packing a few moments ago. Okay, I was ABOUT to pack, then I tried on a dress I was thinking of bringing with me. Then I realized I missed my blog friends :( So, now here I am sitting on my bedroom floor, in a dress, with my laptop FINALLY updating my blog.

I have two things in my suitcase. The dress and THE bra. Oh, god the bra is the worst. It's like its own country. But it holds the girls up!

So, how's life been? Good. Great. Busy. Tiring. I want a nap! But, I have to pack. I turn 27 in 3 days (whoa!) and we're having a birthday dinner tomorrow night.

As for the boy - SB ... he's good. Really good. We'll see how he handles my birthday! Always telling. But in the meantime, it's so good it's freaking me out. I'm not used to being all sappy and silly - well, I mean, I'm normally silly but not about one particular boy. At least not this much. I won't lie to you though - it is scary. I thought I liked him before, but boy oh boy do I like him now. Absolutely crazy about him. It's sick!

I still wonder what the hell I'm doing but right now I don't want anything else. It's a moment by moment day to day don't lose hold of your heart too much kind of thing. I'm staying smart. And smiling like crazy.

Oh and I still have that damn list to take care of ... haha! I've started writing some songs but nothing that grabs hold of me at this point! I'm figuring out what's going on with SB - slowly but surely. And, I'm getting healthier. Time to add in a couple more.

How's everyone else? I need to catch up, don't I?

Miss you madly!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Update: The List and a new place!

I picked up my contacts! Finally, I can check something off. And they've only been ready for over two months!

So, I was out on my evening walk the other day and I found a new spot that I like - a place good for relaxation and contemplation. Everywhere I've lived I've had a place or two like that - just a mini escape. Now, in my new home, I have a few but this one is so simple and just up the street.

We have this community something or other with a tennis and basketball court and two swings. Okay, so it's not that fancy but it's so incredibly peaceful at night. I've been a couple of times and it's been so, so nice.

It's probably not that big of a deal to many people or maybe you have your own place to go to, I don't know. Just sometimes, for me, I need a temporary getaway to think about nothing or to think about everything. And the only thing there that can influence me is ... well, um. Nothing.

What's a girl got to do when she needs to get away? Go ...

Friday, April 4, 2008

My sister ...

In honor of her birthday ...

A lot of you know Laskigal - From the Cheap Seats. And perhaps you've figured it out or this may be news to you.
She's my big sister.
She's the one who encouraged me to begin writing a blog. We decided not to say anything - not for any real reason, just because.
So, now if you go back, you might realize it. Lots of "ohhhh, yeah" kind of moments.
I suppose the big one would be the one on heartbreak and asking people to offer support to me (which, I still, and eternally will, appreciate all of you for!). Yes, she's a great blog friend, but she's also an AMAZING sister.

We now live further away from one another than we have before. It's about 9 hours. Yet, we are closer than ever. I probably talk to her 5 times a week. For awhile there, I'd call her twice a day just to get through the agonizing pains of heartbreak.

I don't think there are any words poetic enough or any actions telling enough to thank her for being the best sister in the whole world. She'll say, "Oh, you don't have to thank me ... I'm just your sister." (I know her too well).

Well, let me tell you what this woman, who is 'just my sister' has done for me and share a little bit more about her:
- She makes me laugh when I call her crying.
- She cut my hair when I visited (yup, that was me at WalMart!)
- She 'yells' at me for being late for work because she wants me to have a good reputation
- She helped me countdown to college
- She's still a city girl when she drives
- She knows when something's up within the first few seconds of hearing my voice
- She always tells me to 'be safe and have fun'
- She believes in me, even when I don't believe in myself
- She researches everything just to make sure she's in the know
- She knows how to listen
- She knows how to handle our mom
- She helps me handle our brother - because all I ever want to do is argue!
- She's the most hands on, loving mother I've ever witnessed
- She's patient
- She's helped me write all 5,000 versions of my resume - and I have a pretty damn good job now!
- She's protective as hell
- She questions my choices. Not because they're wrong but to make sure I really want to make them (I mean, hell-o, SB)
- She never makes me feel stupid
- She's funny. Probably the funniest person I know
- She's one of those people that is equally stunningly gorgeous inside and out
- She gives the best advice ever
- She can so often by the only light on a dark path for me.
- She's disgustingly smart!
- She's incredibly, genuinely humble
- I am a better person because of her.

I always wanted to be just like her when I grew up. I can't say that has changed too much. I still want to be like her in so many ways. I take it as a huge compliment when people tell me about a similarity between us - even if it's one of our crazy habits/traits! I don't know what I would have been without having her around as I was growing up. She has taught me what unconditional love is all about.

I thank God for her. She's my sister and truly, wholeheartedly my very best friend.

It's sort of like being friends with someone who's famous. But a whole lot better :)

Happy Birthday, sis. I love you to pieces. I hope that one day, in some way I can find a way to thank you for being the very best person in my life. Until then, please know that I am forever grateful for you and I will always, ALWAYS pray that God blesses you with the very best of what life has to offer.

You can have my kidney - even if you don't need it. Just like as a gift or something :)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

SB? Maybe not so S anymore ...

He's changed. SB. I might even have to call him B for now.
Yes, you might say I'm stupid.
You could even call me crazy.
And, you might be right.
All I know is how I feel.
And I feel strongly for him.
I've tried to ignore it, I can't.
I've tried to change it, I can't.
I've tried to run, I didn't get far.

It's over with her. He could be lying.
He asked me to come over and wanted me to read something he'd written. It was about me. How he felt about me. How he was wrong to do what he did. How I have turned his life upside down. How I have changed him. How what he wants has been right in front of him. That would be ... me.
He said he doesn't think he could live without me.

I suppose I should have said, "Well, that's nice. But it's too late." And then walked out.
Perhaps one day I'll wish I would have. See, there is still an "issue". No, we're not together. Not yet.
I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know if one day I'll cut and run and LSHMama thinks I should. And, the day might come when I say to many of you, "go ahead, say it ... you told me so"
But for now, I'm going blindly and perhaps stupidly on faith.

It's been a crazy, wonderful last few weeks. He's as sweet as sweet can be. Calling. Texting. E-mailing. Hanging out. I know he's trying. I think he's sincere. He's even gone as far as calling our mutual friend and letting her in on what's been going on. He likes to talk about us being together (yes, we're not). I don't initiate any of this hypothetical mumbo jumbo. But, I can't say that all of it doesn't make me smile like a lunatic.

Truth be told, my friends, I'm scared to death. I don't know what will happen so again, I'm leaning on faith. I don't want to think about the apparent inevitable that my friends keep talking about ... that he'll be a jerk and screw me over. Right now, I'm just hopeful. Hopeful, yes, that this works out, but hopeful that I'll be alright no matter what.

But yeah, the way this is going right now, I'd be okay if it works. Definitely.

Am I crazy?

What's a girl gotta do? Tell me.